How Hay Made Me The Mom I Thought I Wanted To Be

I woke up this morning exhausted and mentally drained. I just couldn't (can't) keep up the pace my children and my life have set for me.

I didn't ask for this life. I didn't ask for one of my children to have down syndrome. I always wonder whether my life would be easier if Sean didn't have it. I always say that it would be fabulous not to question everything as it relates to him. This morning I whined & complained to a bunch of moms that down syndrome has robbed me of being the mom I thought I wanted to be. For all I know I'd still impatient and unmotivated at this point in time, but I will never know. When it was just Lady M and even while Sean was still and infant, we did things. Anything. Now I just can't muster the motivation to do "things". I do sometimes, but mostly because my guilt gets the better of me.

I am feeling the weight of all I have to remember & do. I am feeling resentful and angry that if I died tomorrow (God forbid!!!!!) no one would possess the ability to just pick it up where I left off. I have been so upset that I just can't seem to fit it all in. Anywhere. 

There is a level of anger & frustration that I feel as a special needs mom that I didn't feel before Sean and one I can't imagine feeling if I only had typical children. It's more than mourning. It's more than resentment. It's a constant and unending anger & frustration. That never knowing what else is lurking. What else can possibly happen and what else someone is going to pity. 

And then hay happened. 

Ok bear with me here. My yard isn't fenced in. I live on a fairly busy street. Most of our time spent in the yard is spent making sure Sean hasn't disappeared down the driveway into the road. It's also spent cursing because it's generally pretty muddy with all the precipitation we've had over the last year. Read: Way to much rain last year that killed my grass and way to much snow this year that made the bare spots muddy when it melted. 

We put our grass seed down the other day and went to Lowes to get some hay. Yes. Hay. Because isn't hay what you spread over your grass seed to keep it moist and keep the birds from eating it? I think so. What does this chick from the concrete jungle know? 

So off we went to get some hay. This afternoon, after going to the mall because I just needed to not be home wallowing in my own self pity anymore, I was determined to spread that damn hay. I was determined to work out my aggression. I was determined to set to one task and actually finish it. Plus... it was beautiful outside. The kids needed to be outside. I put Evan to sleep and got to it. 

Little did I know that hay was the thing that was going to make me the mom I always thought I wanted to be. Even if it was just for a little while. I'm not exactly sure why, but it was so relaxing to just spread that hay. It was relaxing to have a hay fight with Sean. Yes I said hay fight. Think snow ball fight, but with hay. He came up to me and threw hay at me. Then fell over in a giggling fit when I chucked some back at him

Meredith dug her way through dirt and "planted" plants in her bucket. She didn't wanna have a hay fight with us. Stick in the mud! 

Yes those are rain boots with a Tinkerbell dress. 

She always reminds me of the book "The Bridesmaid Wears Tennis Shoes"

Something happened today. I'm not exactly sure what. I'm not even exactly sure how. But I know why. It was fun. It was relaxing. I was so close to my breaking point that I just didn't care. And that was just what we needed. I was exactly the mom I thought I wanted to be this afternoon. Carefree. 

And then Evan woke up. And was not a happy camper at having woken up way to early from his nap.  So.... there went that. 

For those of you wondering, it takes 3 bales of hay to cover my backyard. Bring on the baby grass!!!

My saddle's a blazing?

Well... not anymore.

I haven't posted an entry since July. In that time a lot of things have happened. I had a baby. My big kids started school again and I acknowledged something that had been bugging me for quite some time and it showed. This blog had become more a journal about my daily life as a mom and less a reflection of that daily life. It became a way for people far flung to see our kids and another social media outlet. I was censoring myself in fear of insulting people and that was not at all where I wanted to be.

When I made a conscious decision to be alone with my thoughts when I could no longer reflect on them without fear of people feeling insulted and when I could no longer be here without someone questioning how come there were no pictures because they rely on them to keep up with the kids..... it was kindly pointed out that I "must need some sort of outlet with so much going on" and that the blog was a good way of doing that.

Honestly... the blog is a good outlet, but quite frankly not in a "I must need a shrink" kind of way. More of a place to organize my thoughts.

I've been doing some soul searching. I've come to realize that my saddle doesn't blaze with advocacy. That doesn't mean that I don't stand up for fairness for my children. It just means that I no longer have the urge or desire to jump at every opportunity to right what I perceive as an injustice against Sean's different learning style.

I'm at a point in this down syndrome journey where I'm ok to sit back some and fit in. I'm ok with allowing my kids to navigate their young lives and find their niche. I guide them, but honestly Sean might just be happy with fitting in. He might not, but its for him to decide whether he wants to fight every fight.

I'm also at a point of feeling less guilt in terms of what I am and what I'm not doing for my kids' academic curve. Instead of intense "brain training" that I thought Sean would need in order to succeed I have decided that it's ok for him to be the oldest kid in his class if that's where he fits to learn at an average for that age pace. Does that mean I no longer hold him to high standards? Nope. It means Sean is happy to learn. It means I'm happy to teach him because he's ready to learn now. Same for Meredith.

My new year's resolution was to be easier on myself. So far I'm doing ok. I no longer feel the need for perfectionism. Well that's not entirely true. I feel the need for myself, but not in regard to the kids. I have instead decided to focus on what's important. A need to grow & evolve as a family. A need to feel comfortable where we are RIGHT NOW. Not 5 years from now. I have no desire to keep up with the Joneses. We, as a family, have lost sight of what's important. Owning a house is important, but not as important as making memories. Not as important as being content with what we have right this second. We may never own a house or live in a bigger house than we're in now. We may never buy another brand new car. We may never see Hawaii and we may never get to take the kids on a cruise to Alaska. You know what? None of it matters. What matters is that our kids know how to explore and live in the world they live in right now. What matters is that they figure out how to be kids. What matters is that they discover what it's like to wonder and believe that anything is possible. Not that everything has to have a goal. They have to learn balance. We have to relearn balance as well. We have to remember that not everything has to have an end. We have to remember that sometimes the path we take is just as important as what we hope to accomplish.

My time of reflection; my time of being one with myself and less exposed to others has helped me in ways I could not have imagined before. It helped me to understand that I had gotten lost in what others thought I needed. I had gotten lost in other people's ideals. It had taken my a long time to make peace with myself, my path, where I'd been. It took a long time to be comfortable in my own skin and somewhere along the way I had begun to lose that sense of peace. Being alone with my thoughts allowed me to make peace again. I once again feel no need to make excuses for myself and my actions or non-actions, as the case may be. I am once again holding my head up high and recognizing that the only ideals I need to fit into are my ideals.

It feels good. It feels good to no longer question aspects that have no answer. It feels good to once again find acceptance where acceptance needed to be found and to once again feel good about standing up tall & realizing that not every fight needs to be fought. And it feels even better to find comfort in what we have now instead of longing for something we don't need.

That's where I have been and where I am right now.