Who am I? To tell you the truth...... I have no idea anymore. I can tell you who I am to other people. I am:
* A wife
* A mother
* A nurse
* A teacher
* A jester
* An advocate
* A receptionist
* Maid
* Butler
* Personal shopper
* Personal assistant
* Banker
All of these things to everyone else and nothing to or for myself. Somewhere between marriage & having children I seem to have checked my identity at the door & someone walked away with it. I don't know who I am because I never get the chance anymore to explore it. I am always doing something for someone else.
I need time and yet "keeper of time" is not on the list of trades is it? Nope. "Keeper of time" is a trade that belongs to someone else and I just don't know who. I don't know who to ask for the time I need to explore who I am. I try & try to find out who it is. I ask around and I'm told the same thing over & over. "I'm sorry. You'll have to continue your search." Quite frankly unless the keeper of time knocks on my door, I may never find out who it is because I just don't have the energy needed to keep searching.
I may just have to give up. I'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that there is time for me. I'm tired of tricking myself into thinking that I'm entitled to have time to explore. I'm tired of wondering who I am. I should just get used to the idea that I apparently don't get to have anyone be anything for me. I don't get a nurse. I don't get a butler or maid. And I certainly don't have the time or energy to be them to myself.
Apparently since I am home, I am not entitled to have an identity. I'm not entitled to time off.
One of the benefits to working outside of the home is that you get some time to yourself. It might not be much, but you're guaranteed at least some time for lunch and commuting. You still work 24/7, but the day is broken up into pieces. You're not in any one place 24 hours a day with the same people.
I used to hate the hour long commute on the train into & from the city every single day. Now I would give my left leg to stand on that train packed to the gills with people just to have some time out of my house and away from my family. When you're working outside the home, you're guaranteed some time for lunch. You can go shopping, sit in the park ALONE and have something to eat that you don't have to share. The life of this stay at home mom is nothing like that. My kids tag team me all day long. Usually when one goes to sleep, the other one wakes up. As soon as I feed & change one, the next one is ready to be fed & changed. In the evenings it's the same thing. Rob tries to help, but it's always me in the end. Even in the middle of the night. I guess after two years I should be used to having to do everything. I should be used to having a cling on.
I talked myself into believing that by now someone else would be able to soothe Meredith. I talked myself into believing that when she got older it would get easier with her. I truly did believe these things and yet here I am.
The events in recent weeks have opened my eyes to countless things. I have been given an all access pass into the minds of others and I am no longer blinded by hope. I'm not hopeless, but I'm no longer blind to the capabilities of others or rather what others want to be capable of. Can others take on some of what my shoulders are bearing? Yes. Should I expect them to? No. Not anymore. And I will stop asking. I will stop asking because being told "yes" and then it not happening is worse than just keeping it all on my shoulders.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
We certainly have been busy beavers
When I was pregnant with Sean I worried so much about him being a boy. I used to worry that Meredith would have no one to play tea party with. I decided right then & there that Sean would get no devil dogs if he didn't play tea party. Apparently I didn't have to worry about that. Meredith is already making sure that he plays tea party. She's so cute. She came over with her set screaming "tea party!". So we sat on the floor while Sean did his tummy time and had ourselves the most perfect little tea party. She even made sure to include Sean.
The next day we went to the 18th Avenue Feast for dinner. I realized just how old I am getting. We went to the feast for dinner and came home to have a beer. Ok I had a beer. Rob pretty much collapsed on the bed ready for sleep. Way back when, we'd have stayed, had a couple of beers. Met up with friends. You get the idea. It's amazing how your priorities change when you have kids that will be up at 6am.
Meredith went on the big slide with Rob and she was fine the whole time. Then she got off, looked at me & broke down. Poor kid looked terrified. She wouldn't even go back on it with me.
She got to walk around for a little bit and just kind of took in the sights & sounds. We got something to eat. Rob & I had sausage & pepper heros. Meredith had a hot dog bun. She wouldn't eat the hot dog. Lucy's isn't good anymore. Hasn't been in a few years. So we had Vinny's. It wasn't bad, but geez was it expensive.
What festival is complete without junk food right? So we got Meredith some marshmallows with chocolate & sprinkles. Poor kid was so teething so bad, she hardly ate it. But she did manage to get chocolate & sprinkles EVERYWHERE. I had a bite & got sprinkles all over Sean. We got some zeppoles & Meredith wouldn't even try one. I was a little disappointed by that, but what can you do? Maybe next year she'll enjoy them. I mean really.... who doesn't like fried dough & powered sugar?
We stopped to play a game. Meredith didn't win, but I think her & Rob had a good time trying.
On Saturday, Meredith & I tried a new hair do. I want her to wear her hair up for school. I don't know how feasible that's going to be though. She really wasn't thrilled with me putting it in pig tails.
After that we went to Rob's brother's house for lunch. It was a nice afternoon. Meredith got to spend time with Hannah and us adults chatted. Meredith even had 3 bites of her bologna sandwich. Hailey was upstairs with her friend.
Meredith & Hannah had fun laying with sidewalk chalk, playing with the baby dolls, bubbles and anything else they could get their hands on.
Yesterday we just kind of fotzed around. We did a little bit of shopping and had lunch at Wendy's.
The next day we went to the 18th Avenue Feast for dinner. I realized just how old I am getting. We went to the feast for dinner and came home to have a beer. Ok I had a beer. Rob pretty much collapsed on the bed ready for sleep. Way back when, we'd have stayed, had a couple of beers. Met up with friends. You get the idea. It's amazing how your priorities change when you have kids that will be up at 6am.
Meredith went on the big slide with Rob and she was fine the whole time. Then she got off, looked at me & broke down. Poor kid looked terrified. She wouldn't even go back on it with me.
She got to walk around for a little bit and just kind of took in the sights & sounds. We got something to eat. Rob & I had sausage & pepper heros. Meredith had a hot dog bun. She wouldn't eat the hot dog. Lucy's isn't good anymore. Hasn't been in a few years. So we had Vinny's. It wasn't bad, but geez was it expensive.
What festival is complete without junk food right? So we got Meredith some marshmallows with chocolate & sprinkles. Poor kid was so teething so bad, she hardly ate it. But she did manage to get chocolate & sprinkles EVERYWHERE. I had a bite & got sprinkles all over Sean. We got some zeppoles & Meredith wouldn't even try one. I was a little disappointed by that, but what can you do? Maybe next year she'll enjoy them. I mean really.... who doesn't like fried dough & powered sugar?
We stopped to play a game. Meredith didn't win, but I think her & Rob had a good time trying.
On Saturday, Meredith & I tried a new hair do. I want her to wear her hair up for school. I don't know how feasible that's going to be though. She really wasn't thrilled with me putting it in pig tails.
After that we went to Rob's brother's house for lunch. It was a nice afternoon. Meredith got to spend time with Hannah and us adults chatted. Meredith even had 3 bites of her bologna sandwich. Hailey was upstairs with her friend.
Meredith & Hannah had fun laying with sidewalk chalk, playing with the baby dolls, bubbles and anything else they could get their hands on.
Yesterday we just kind of fotzed around. We did a little bit of shopping and had lunch at Wendy's.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Foggy thoughts
I have so many thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head lately.
I find myself getting very anxious and upset about Sean's upcoming surgery. Just at the mere thought that my baby..... my sweet innocent little baby..... is going to be put under anesthesia and have his chest ripped open has me in tears. How terrified is he going to be? How terrified am I going to be? How will I care for him? How will I juggle Meredith's & Sean's needs to have their mommy with them while he is in the hospital? I am paralyzed with fear. I am happy that he's having his surgery relatively soon. It means I can stop questioning everything. Is he to hot? Is he to cold? Is he crying to hard? Is he turning blue? Is he not eating because he has congestive heart failure? Is he sleeping to much because his heart is working to hard? I will hopefully be able to say "he's a baby & babies sleep". Ok a lot of babies sleep. Right? Or "he's sleeping a lot because he's growing." Or something like that. I don't want to always wonder whether it's his heart.
I'm also finding that I have no one to compare Sean to. Yes yes.... I shouldn't compare him anyway, but I have no idea what's normal for him. I don't know where on the spectrum of capability he is. It's making me nuts. I am dying to know how well he's faring in the milestone department. I know we're told he's doing exceptionally well, but I need more. I need my baby to be "normal". I need him to reach his milestones on time. I need to know what he's going to be able to do. I need to see my baby show me that he loves me with a smile. We've gotten a few, but nothing consistent. I need my baby to show me that he's happy & content.
I'm also finding that I'm harboring a lot of resentment toward a lot of things. Not people per se, but situations. Like.... Meredith waking up in the middle of the night. Like Meredith only wanting me. Sean taking a lifetime to nurse. I totally feel like childcare is solely on my shoulders. Not that Rob doesn't help out or doesn't want to help, but in the end it's just me. It's me remembering all the little details that keep the family humming. It's me that remembers to give medicine or remembers who likes what kind of show. It's me who has to sway back & forth, sit in the glider or do a swaddle. Which by the way Hoodini couldn't have gotten out of my uber swaddle & Sean does.
I struggle with surrendering parenting to Rob. Partially because even though he's taking care of the issue at hand, I'm still walking him through a lot it. So if I have to do it anyway, I might as well do it and get it over with. Not that I have to give him step by step instructions, but I do have to remind him of a lot of things. Especially preferences. This is creating a lot of resentment for me.
I'm also getting tired of having to ask. Not that I expect Rob to read my mind, but at this point I would expect some anticipatory actions. I know I do this parenting things everyday ALL DAY LONG, but just once I'd like Rob to anticipate that at 7pm Meredith is going to have to start unwinding. Not to start her up by playing with the dogs.
Stupid things are bothering me. I don't know how to cope with the little things. Big things, yes. But not little things. And the little things add up. It's a diaper here. A swaddle there. A dirty floor here. I wish I could just scream "Holy crap!!!!! If you feel funk under your feet clean the floor!!". But I can't and don't. What would it solve? He already feels like I ask him to do to much. And I don't..... If you're home you have to not only deal with the kids, but everyday chores as well. You don't get to just be the fun guy.
I also feel trapped. I feel like I can't get out of this house to do anything or see anyone. I'm so afraid of Sean getting sick again that I just want to keep him in a bubble until he's home from surgery. I realize there aren't enough indoor activities to keep Meredith & I from going all Redrum for me to just stay home, but I still feel like that's what I want to do. On the other hand, all I want to do is take my babies for a nice long walk so I can work off some calories, they can get air and maybe stop to smell some roses. Unfortunately it's either been sweltering outside so Sean can't be out to long, Sean doesn't like the stroller & can't be in the jogger yet and Meredith's schedule is so ingrained that she's a bear if it gets messed up. So I may very well go all Redrum soon.
I have a TON of mommy guilt. I feel like I don't spend enough quality time with Meredith. I also feel like I spend no quality time with Sean. I'm either nursing, doing exercises or trying to put him to sleep. I spend all of my days juggling their needs and have no time left over for wants. I think the last few days I finally stopped for 5 minutes & just snuggled my little man. I hadn't had a chance to let him sleep on me and really snuggle yet. I made the time to do that. Meredith always snuggled on me when she was that young. I miss that. Now she's just on me. All. The. Time. Not that I want Sean to sleep on me for 2 hours like Meredith used to, but I'd like 10 minutes (maybe) of time for Sean to really settle in & feel that same closeness that Meredith & I got to share without her screaming or throwing blocks, etc. I doubt I'll ever feel like I'm giving them each the amount of time they deserve, but I hope after Sean's surgery meeting needs gets a little more efficient so I have more time for wants.
Oh well..... I hope that my pressure valve is released soon. I hope that things can finally settle into a "normal" routine for us. Only then, unfortunately, will I feel my thoughts can be organized. Hopefully I'll feel less scatter brained and less resentful. I really just need a break from reality for a little while.
I find myself getting very anxious and upset about Sean's upcoming surgery. Just at the mere thought that my baby..... my sweet innocent little baby..... is going to be put under anesthesia and have his chest ripped open has me in tears. How terrified is he going to be? How terrified am I going to be? How will I care for him? How will I juggle Meredith's & Sean's needs to have their mommy with them while he is in the hospital? I am paralyzed with fear. I am happy that he's having his surgery relatively soon. It means I can stop questioning everything. Is he to hot? Is he to cold? Is he crying to hard? Is he turning blue? Is he not eating because he has congestive heart failure? Is he sleeping to much because his heart is working to hard? I will hopefully be able to say "he's a baby & babies sleep". Ok a lot of babies sleep. Right? Or "he's sleeping a lot because he's growing." Or something like that. I don't want to always wonder whether it's his heart.
I'm also finding that I have no one to compare Sean to. Yes yes.... I shouldn't compare him anyway, but I have no idea what's normal for him. I don't know where on the spectrum of capability he is. It's making me nuts. I am dying to know how well he's faring in the milestone department. I know we're told he's doing exceptionally well, but I need more. I need my baby to be "normal". I need him to reach his milestones on time. I need to know what he's going to be able to do. I need to see my baby show me that he loves me with a smile. We've gotten a few, but nothing consistent. I need my baby to show me that he's happy & content.
I'm also finding that I'm harboring a lot of resentment toward a lot of things. Not people per se, but situations. Like.... Meredith waking up in the middle of the night. Like Meredith only wanting me. Sean taking a lifetime to nurse. I totally feel like childcare is solely on my shoulders. Not that Rob doesn't help out or doesn't want to help, but in the end it's just me. It's me remembering all the little details that keep the family humming. It's me that remembers to give medicine or remembers who likes what kind of show. It's me who has to sway back & forth, sit in the glider or do a swaddle. Which by the way Hoodini couldn't have gotten out of my uber swaddle & Sean does.
I struggle with surrendering parenting to Rob. Partially because even though he's taking care of the issue at hand, I'm still walking him through a lot it. So if I have to do it anyway, I might as well do it and get it over with. Not that I have to give him step by step instructions, but I do have to remind him of a lot of things. Especially preferences. This is creating a lot of resentment for me.
I'm also getting tired of having to ask. Not that I expect Rob to read my mind, but at this point I would expect some anticipatory actions. I know I do this parenting things everyday ALL DAY LONG, but just once I'd like Rob to anticipate that at 7pm Meredith is going to have to start unwinding. Not to start her up by playing with the dogs.
Stupid things are bothering me. I don't know how to cope with the little things. Big things, yes. But not little things. And the little things add up. It's a diaper here. A swaddle there. A dirty floor here. I wish I could just scream "Holy crap!!!!! If you feel funk under your feet clean the floor!!". But I can't and don't. What would it solve? He already feels like I ask him to do to much. And I don't..... If you're home you have to not only deal with the kids, but everyday chores as well. You don't get to just be the fun guy.
I also feel trapped. I feel like I can't get out of this house to do anything or see anyone. I'm so afraid of Sean getting sick again that I just want to keep him in a bubble until he's home from surgery. I realize there aren't enough indoor activities to keep Meredith & I from going all Redrum for me to just stay home, but I still feel like that's what I want to do. On the other hand, all I want to do is take my babies for a nice long walk so I can work off some calories, they can get air and maybe stop to smell some roses. Unfortunately it's either been sweltering outside so Sean can't be out to long, Sean doesn't like the stroller & can't be in the jogger yet and Meredith's schedule is so ingrained that she's a bear if it gets messed up. So I may very well go all Redrum soon.
I have a TON of mommy guilt. I feel like I don't spend enough quality time with Meredith. I also feel like I spend no quality time with Sean. I'm either nursing, doing exercises or trying to put him to sleep. I spend all of my days juggling their needs and have no time left over for wants. I think the last few days I finally stopped for 5 minutes & just snuggled my little man. I hadn't had a chance to let him sleep on me and really snuggle yet. I made the time to do that. Meredith always snuggled on me when she was that young. I miss that. Now she's just on me. All. The. Time. Not that I want Sean to sleep on me for 2 hours like Meredith used to, but I'd like 10 minutes (maybe) of time for Sean to really settle in & feel that same closeness that Meredith & I got to share without her screaming or throwing blocks, etc. I doubt I'll ever feel like I'm giving them each the amount of time they deserve, but I hope after Sean's surgery meeting needs gets a little more efficient so I have more time for wants.
Oh well..... I hope that my pressure valve is released soon. I hope that things can finally settle into a "normal" routine for us. Only then, unfortunately, will I feel my thoughts can be organized. Hopefully I'll feel less scatter brained and less resentful. I really just need a break from reality for a little while.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Dear Meredith
Your birthday is approaching. You're going to be 2 years old! I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I can't believe what an amazing young lady you have become.
I often sit & look at you while you're playing, while you're learning, while you're sleeping and wonder "where has my baby gone?" The things you're able to do amaze me. Your ability to take it all in amazes me. Your ability to smile and make me feel like everything with the world is just as it should be means everything to me.
I'm in awe of your beauty and light. You always have a way of bringing in the sunshine even when it's cloudy & raining outside.
When you started to walk, you didn't go slowly. One day you were just holding onto our hands or furniture and cruising along & the next you were running. It was as if you were waiting for the right moment to shock me. I knew right then & there I was in trouble. There was no turning back now. You wanted to walk everywhere & anywhere you could. You were still a little wobbly, but you didn't let it stop you. You just kept going. And that's when I knew you were determined. As determined as me.
You learned how to speak. You had words before this year, but in this year you learned how to tell a story. And everything you tell is compelling. You speak with such passion. Everything you say has meaning. It's so nice to hear your voice. I cried the first time you told me you "ubbed" me. There was just something so endearing about the way you looked up at me & said "I ub mommy".
I love to hear you call for everyone when you wake up from your nap. It's so adorable that you call for Dutchess & Brewster. Then you call for Elmo & Minnie Mouse. It sounds like you just hope that they come to get you.
This year you became a big sister. The whole time Sean was in my belly, you loved him, but I'm pretty sure you didn't realize there was actually a real person in there. Especially because you told me you had a boo boo in your baby when you had a bellyache. Which by the way, I almost fell over when you said that. But it didn't matter. You loved him. You loved the baby that was in mommy's belly. You also used an ever growing Sean as a step to get up higher on mommy.
Now that Sean has been here, you have shown us how very special Sean is to you. You get right down to his level & talk to him in a way only a big sister knows how to. He responds to you in only a way only a big sister would understand. There is an amazing bond between you both. And it was an immediate unbreakable bond.
You surprise us everyday with the things you have learned. Just when we think that you haven't learned something, you go ahead & prove us wrong.
And you have taught mommy & daddy an amazing amount of things as well. You taught us how to stop & pay attention. You taught us how to grow with you. You taught us how to have fun doing silly things just because it's fun to be silly. You showed us that sometimes it's fun to be messy & to get dirty. You reminded us that it's oh so much fun to jump in the puddles during a rain storm.
You taught us that it's ok to cry. You taught us the meaning of all encompassing love. You also taught us the feeling of all encompassing fear. You taught us the true meaning of sacrifice because it wouldn't matter what we had to sacrifice to make you happy. We'd do it.
Everyday you are here with us, you teach us something. Even if some of those things are things we had to relearn. Things that we had forgotten about.
And boy are you nearing two. You are testing your boundaries everyday and gaining such an enormous amount of independence. It's refreshing, but at the same time makes us sad. But it's a good sad. It's a sad with a lot of pride. We watch you take on new adventures. And we help you gain the courage to do things you don't think you can do. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for us. I'm very impatiently waiting to see what kind of adventures await us.
With an amazing amount of love and hope............
Mommy
Then.........
And now.......
I often sit & look at you while you're playing, while you're learning, while you're sleeping and wonder "where has my baby gone?" The things you're able to do amaze me. Your ability to take it all in amazes me. Your ability to smile and make me feel like everything with the world is just as it should be means everything to me.
I'm in awe of your beauty and light. You always have a way of bringing in the sunshine even when it's cloudy & raining outside.
When you started to walk, you didn't go slowly. One day you were just holding onto our hands or furniture and cruising along & the next you were running. It was as if you were waiting for the right moment to shock me. I knew right then & there I was in trouble. There was no turning back now. You wanted to walk everywhere & anywhere you could. You were still a little wobbly, but you didn't let it stop you. You just kept going. And that's when I knew you were determined. As determined as me.
You learned how to speak. You had words before this year, but in this year you learned how to tell a story. And everything you tell is compelling. You speak with such passion. Everything you say has meaning. It's so nice to hear your voice. I cried the first time you told me you "ubbed" me. There was just something so endearing about the way you looked up at me & said "I ub mommy".
I love to hear you call for everyone when you wake up from your nap. It's so adorable that you call for Dutchess & Brewster. Then you call for Elmo & Minnie Mouse. It sounds like you just hope that they come to get you.
This year you became a big sister. The whole time Sean was in my belly, you loved him, but I'm pretty sure you didn't realize there was actually a real person in there. Especially because you told me you had a boo boo in your baby when you had a bellyache. Which by the way, I almost fell over when you said that. But it didn't matter. You loved him. You loved the baby that was in mommy's belly. You also used an ever growing Sean as a step to get up higher on mommy.
Now that Sean has been here, you have shown us how very special Sean is to you. You get right down to his level & talk to him in a way only a big sister knows how to. He responds to you in only a way only a big sister would understand. There is an amazing bond between you both. And it was an immediate unbreakable bond.
You surprise us everyday with the things you have learned. Just when we think that you haven't learned something, you go ahead & prove us wrong.
And you have taught mommy & daddy an amazing amount of things as well. You taught us how to stop & pay attention. You taught us how to grow with you. You taught us how to have fun doing silly things just because it's fun to be silly. You showed us that sometimes it's fun to be messy & to get dirty. You reminded us that it's oh so much fun to jump in the puddles during a rain storm.
You taught us that it's ok to cry. You taught us the meaning of all encompassing love. You also taught us the feeling of all encompassing fear. You taught us the true meaning of sacrifice because it wouldn't matter what we had to sacrifice to make you happy. We'd do it.
Everyday you are here with us, you teach us something. Even if some of those things are things we had to relearn. Things that we had forgotten about.
And boy are you nearing two. You are testing your boundaries everyday and gaining such an enormous amount of independence. It's refreshing, but at the same time makes us sad. But it's a good sad. It's a sad with a lot of pride. We watch you take on new adventures. And we help you gain the courage to do things you don't think you can do. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for us. I'm very impatiently waiting to see what kind of adventures await us.
With an amazing amount of love and hope............
Mommy
Then.........
And now.......
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