"It is not the outside riches, but the inside ones that produce happiness." That was my fortune tonight from my fortune cookie. I really think that is so fitting to my life. Especially these days.
I have been reminded today that nothing & no one can make me happy. I am happy because I choose to be. Even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.
I don't know how I am able to be happy honestly. There are plenty of times when I want to throw up my hands & scream uncle. There are plenty of times when I just say "fuck it" and walk away. But I always come back even more determined to get passed whatever circumstance we seem to be facing at that time. In recent days I have had to laugh. Just laugh at my situation. If I didn't, I'd cry.
Last night I became ready to share Sean with the world. We ordered Sean's birth announcements & I wasn't ready to send them out. I don't know why, but I have been wanting to keep him all to myself. I know that sounds so silly, but I have.
A few weeks ago I also wondered when I would fall in love with Sean. And I realized last night, that I have. I thought about him as I laid him in his bed for the night & was overcome with emotion. I had put him in that bed a thousand times before with no incident. Why was last night different? He didn't smell different. He didn't look different. He didn't make any cute faces or sounds. I was just overcome with such strong emotion. And I realized I was in love with my son. I have said before that it builds over time and one day you just realize this little person was absolutely meant to be yours. This little person was meant to grow up as part of your family. And he is. He's meant to ours. He's meant to grow up here. And we're meant to love him & learn from him.
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