That's the only true way to describe what I'm feeling. I feel defeated. Let down. Yes I'm happy at the same time, but right now disillusioned is taking the spotlight.
Yesterday I was addressing the envelopes for Sean's birth announcements and I realized I was sending announcements to people (on both sides) who couldn't care less about my kids. Not once have they called to say congratulations. They haven't sent a card. I know that these people know about Sean. They know about his issues. Some of them even follow this very blog. And yet..... they claim to care about my kids.
I have always gone out of my way to make sure that just because I have my differences with someone, it shouldn't affect my kids. My kids should still have contact with their family so that they may make their own decisions regarding a relationship when they're older. The only thing I have ever asked is that those same people not disappoint my kids. And yet I know that that's exactly what's going to happen. My kids are going to ask why I make them make cards for them. Why do I send holiday cards to them? Why do I make my kids make the effort when those people don't make the effort for my kids.
Meredith is starting to ask now. I don't know what to tell her. She is starting to learn about family and all the dynamics that go along with it. And she's starting to ask. All I tell her is that everyone in her family loves her even if they don't show it to her. I tell her they are always with her even if she can't see them. I know she doesn't understand that, but I hope that when she's old enough to understand it, she'll feel comforted by it.
It disappoints me though that I even have to go through those motions. It disappoints me for them. I know it shouldn't bother me because I fully expected it to happen. I fully expected for Meredith to be inquisitive as she learned that not all things are created equal in the world or families. I just hope that my reassurance isn't setting Meredith & Sean up to be disillusioned as they grow up.
I'm hoping that as Meredith & Sean look through their memory boxes, they don't notice there are no cards from people that claim to love them. I hope they don't notice there are no pictures with these people. I hope they don't notice there are no stories. I hope they understand that it's not their fault. I hope they understand that some people just don't show they care even though they may.
Sometimes I feel like these people shouldn't be privy to my life (via this blog) and the lives of my kids if they can't take the time to show my kids that they care. But then at the same time I hope that seeing how happy my kids are despite not knowing them makes them feel guilty. I sometimes hope seeing them hurts them the way my kids are starting to be hurt by wondering.
In the future I'm going to save my postage. I'm not going to be pressured from either side to send cards & pictures to people who don't take the time or waste the postage on us.
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteWe have been through some thing similiar recently. I have the same feeling of resnetment that you have against some members of DH's family & other who i feel if Olivia had been born healthy not needing emergency surgery at two days old & ultimately being diagnosed with a rare syndrome called Charge. she would have been celebrated more. I feel she has been forgotten in some ways. During her long NICU stay (6 weeks) we did not allow anyone to visit due to when our oldest daughter was there his family were more of a hindrance than a help. In fact DH's Dad did not meet her until she was almost 3 months old.
After this we have learned to be more insular in regards to our children, ti suck but its the way it will have to be.
By the way Dr. Bacha is gong to be Olivia's surgeon too when its time to do her Ebsteins Anamoly Surgery.