Always learning

It seems lately that everywhere I turn there is a lesson to be learned. I learn those lessons because I am open to them. This weekend I learned some very valuable lessons.

With both kids being sick I have learned just how sane I can stay in the face of emergency. We gave Sean some saline in his nose & he acted as though he was drowning for quite some time. He was gagging & gasping. Not to mention the screaming. Oy the screaming. Instead of running for the phone to dial 911, my thoughts were "He's screaming. That means air is getting in & out." Then it turned to "how can we help him out?" We suctioned his nose & mouth and then we turned the nebulizer on. That seemed to help him out a lot. He was able to be calm enough to nurse & then to sleep. Thank goodness.

We called the dr and the dr told us the way to give Sean the saline without him drowning. We never had to worry about this things with Meredith. She hated saline & wouldn't let us squirt it up her nose. She still won't. She runs away screaming like we're chasing her with a chainsaw.

The dr also told us that since the congestion was in his nose, not in his chest and he wasn't coughing, those were all good things. That's what he likes to see with bronchiolitis. If it's not in the chest/lungs, it can't settle and become a pneumonia. Makes sense to me.

I have also learned that having a child with special needs as your 2nd child is both a blessing (if you have to have one) and unfortunate. Even though I worried about Meredith incessantly, the kinds of things I worried about were trivial in comparison to the things I feel I need to worry about with Sean. If Sean had been my first child, I might not have that perception. I worried about dropping Meredith. I worried about whether she was breathing at night. I worried about whether I was teaching her enough. You get the idea. Normal 1st time mom things.

With Sean I worry whether crying is going to make him turn blue. I worry whether his heart is going to give out on me because I put him on his side and maybe his heart can't handle being on his side. No one has ever said he can't be on his side. It's just a crazy thought I have. I worry whether being sick is going to make his little lungs & heart work to much. I worry whether he's getting to hot or cold & his little body can't handle that. I worry that he's eating enough & keeping his sugars up. I worry whether he's gaining enough weight. These are never things I worried about with Meredith.

If Sean had been my 1st child with his needs, perhaps I wouldn't feel like I was walking on eggshells every single day with him.

On the other hand, with him being my 2nd, I worry less about what I should do in situations that seem urgent. Like the saline incident. I worry less about what germs he is coming into contact with. Isn't that amazing? With Meredith I worried a lot more about germs. This time around I'm kind of "eh" about them. I guess because I can't keep Meredith away from them and therefore him either. Who knows?

But I worry less about him getting hurt. I worry less about dirt & germs (except in my own house). I worry less about driving with him. I had such anxiety about driving with Meredith. Especially alone in the car. What if she needed something? What if she started to choke? What if she cried & cried & cried (which she did ALL THE TIME in the car)? How would I be able to help her & drive at the same time. Would I be able to stop safely with enough time to save her if she was choking? I don't worry about those things as much. Sean does cry in the car sometimes, but I'm a little more immune to the urgency he's feeling in the car.

Another thing I learned this weekend is that Rob apparently thinks that I didn't have a life before him. At least that's what it seemed like yesterday. There are a lot of people Rob & I have known for many years, but separately. Rob seems to forget that. Yesterday he said that I didn't know someone well while we were talking to someone else. I didn't say anything, but..... how the hell would he know how well I know someone that I knew before he was even in my life? It annoyed me to say the least, but we were talking to other people & I didn't want to be that wife. I let it go. I find it amusing now though.

Rob & I are still trying to find our way since Sean is born. After Meredith was born, it was very similar. Her birth took a huge toll on our marriage. We stopped talking. We stopped hugging & kissing so much. We stopped laughing with each other. We were each trying to learn how to be parents. We were each trying to do things the way we felt was right even if it didn't mesh well with what the other one was doing. And because I was home with Meredith, I think Rob felt like an outsider. He was gone all day at work & when he got home we already had a way of doing things. I think Rob had a hard time (and still does) figuring out a way of doing things with Meredith that worked for them. We eventually worked it out.

We talked and acknowledged that we were not being very good to each other. We acknowledged how hard it was & is to be a parent and a spouse and that it was ok to be angry. It was to be jealous. It was ok to feel whatever we were feeling. It was so cleansing for us to get it all out there. It took us quite some time to figure out how to get back to us while being parents, but it was nice to know we were both working at getting there.

Since Sean is born, we're trying to relearn those lessons. We're trying to get back to us. Unfortunately, at least for me, it's harder this time. It's harder to balance both kids while incorporating my husband. I'm making more of an effort to include Rob in our daily lives. Unfortunately that means that I always have to stop & think about how what I'm doing with the kids is going to affect Rob's relationship with them. It's also hard to have 2 kids in such different stages. When they get older, it'll be a lot easier because they'll be at the same stage, but right now it's really hard.

I'm also feeling a little resentful that I'm more aware of how our routine affects Rob. I'm not feeling resentful toward Rob, more about the situation. I'm also feeling really annoyed that I'm not able to "do it all". I have unrealistic expectations of myself and what I should be able to do. I should be able to juggle everything and do everything well.

It's also difficult for me to wait for Rob. Especially when I'm so limited in what I can do at the moment. before Sean was born Rob & I came to an agreement. Because Meredith was getting older and I needed to be able to do things with her. Like going to the zoo, parks, museums, etc. Anytime I had brought up to Rob that I was going to do things with her, he'd always tell me "but I wanted to do that too." I'd always feel badly that Rob wasn't able to come and we'd end up doing nothing because we were always waiting for Rob to have a day off or to have nothing to do on the weekends, etc. We finally had to come to the agreement that we'd wait for Rob to do certain things. If we were going to the beach & the zoo and he wanted to do both, he needed to understand that it wasn't fair to us, especially Meredith, to have to wait. So he had to decide what was the more important activity to be included in. That's the one we'd wait for him to do.

We're having to think about this again. It's not fair to our kids & me to have to wait again because Rob wants to experience all of Sean's firsts. It's especially not fair to Meredith. But...... it's easier for me to wait for Rob. Then I don't have to wrangle 2 kids into & our of the car, through an activity, etc. This is also taking its toll on me. I want to get out of the house & do things with the kids. I so desperately need it. But, like Meredith at that age, Sean hates the stroller. And I hate to wake him when Meredith and I are ready to do something. It's such a pain in the ass to make sure he's fed, changed, etc. when it's just so easy to stay home & not bother. And so... my mommy guilt gets worse. I really need to figure out a good routine so we can have more time out & about.