Sean is Quite the Jokester ::insert eye roll::

We went for our scheduled non-stress test and biophysical profile ultrasound at 8am. I get hooked up and the woman doing my NST is very nice. She even let Rob bring Meredith back there when she shouldn't have.

After the NST was done the tech read the heart rate info & said "uh oh". I said "that doesn't sound good."  She said "no it's not. I have to go speak to the dr." Um...... The dr comes into the room & says it's an anomaly. What does that even mean? Sean was showing signs of heart decelerations. The dr said to have my bpp and she'd make a decision whether she should send me to labor & delivery. She said it was very likely I'd be delivered today.

Gretta did my ultrasound and we went to speak to the perinatologist. The peri said she was sending me to labor & delivery and they'd make a final decision about whether to deliver Sean today. What I wanted to know was what does "deliver" mean? To induce my labor or to have a csection. No one was clear. I'm pretty sure she meant induction, but who knows? I asked if it could wait until I saw my ob at 12pm at my appointment. Whether I could go home first to get my hospital bag and other goodies. Maybe wait for my mother in law to come back to NYC so that Meredith could stay with her. And here's where it gets hairy.

She said to me that a lot of babies with down's syndrome go into distress. So now my baby was in distress. I was scared for him. Then she said........ "right now he's salvageable." Oh my god! What the fuck does that mean? I lost it. I couldn't keep it together anymore. Was she suggesting that my baby was a worn out rug that could be salvaged by the right person? Was she suggesting that because he had down's I had the option of deciding whether he was "salvageable" or not? I called Rob who had taken a walk with Meredith and he was unable to understand a syllable I said because I was so hysterical. I called my mother in law so she could prepare to come back if necessary and I was inaudible.

As Rob & I were leaving the office, Gretta came by & asked what was the matter. I told her about the "salvageable" and she explained that the dr wasn't from the US and that she doesn't know how her words impact on people. Then she said she had to go because she was starting to cry with us. She's so sweet, but I'm still calling bullshit on the perinatologist.

This isn't the first time Sean has fooled us with his heart. When I was 13 weeks pregnant with him, my then midwife couldn't find his heartbeat on the doppler & sent me for an emergency ultrasound at Newton Hospital. My little jokester was laying with his head toward my bellybutton and in what we thought was perfect health. That was also the time we found out he was a boy.

Rob, Meredith & I headed to labor & delivery. We registered and were brought to a room to get my vitals. Everything was normal. I got my "bracelet" and the nurse was so nice. She gave Meredith a matching bracelet. Is that cute or what? They hooked me up to the monitors and away we went. I took a picture of Meredith because I wanted to remember my baby as she spent the last few minutes as an only child. Can you see my red toes in the background? I painted them myself yesterday because I didn't want to go into labor without polish on my toes.



Meredith wanted no part of leaving my side with daddy. I wanted Rob to go home & get the bag, camera, etc. Ya know.... since we were sure I was being delivered today. We had nothing with us. Silly I know, but true. The hospital bag is now safely tucked into the car. Anyway, our nurse came in and told us I'd be there for at least 2 hours being monitored and the resident would make the ultimate decision about whether I needed to be delivered. I explained that no.... Dr. Abe would in fact be the deciding factor thank you very much. Rob corrected me & said that it was all the doctors involved in our care that would have to make that decision. Fun times.

Rob had to try to find way of entertaining Meredith throughout the whole process. So he helped her be silly. Did you know labor & delivery could be so much fun?



The 2nd time our nurse came in to check the paper for the monitors she said we looked familiar. She was there when I delivered Meredith. I find it so amazing that all of the nurses involved with the delivery of Meredith remember us. They all stayed for 2 hours after their shift ended to cheer me on while I pushed & pushed for Meredith to come out. Dr. Abe marveled at our cheering section.

We finally met the resident. I didn't care for her. She reminded me of the troll from Rockaway. I think it was the voice. Either way it rubbed me the wrong way and I just wanted her away from me.

After 2 hours, I was finally released from my monitors and allowed to go home. Sean had no major decels and I wouldn't have to be delivered today.

I didn't necessarily mind having Sean today. I really just wanted controlled chaos. I wanted to be able to get my bag. Make sure Meredith was safe & sound. All those kind of things.

We were sent directly to Dr. Abe's office. Meredith was happily napping after her long morning. Dr. Abe passed by the room I was waiting in and said "At the hospital huh? They kept you a long time." And with that he walked away. Uh... yeah they kept me a long time. Ya know why? Because my kid is officially a pain in the ass. I'm thinking of changing his name to Sean "Biggest Pain in the Ass EVAH!" Scott. But it might be too long of a signature when he gets older.

When he came in to do my exam he commented on my hair, which he has never seen down before. I never would've guessed that he noticed things like that, but ok. He did his exam & said that I was 1cm dilated & "very soft". Yay for progress. Even if it's just a little bit. With Meredith I wasn't dilated at all until my water broke in the middle of the night.

Then he said "I guess I'm not going on vacation this weekend. My wife is very upset about it." It makes me so happy to know he cares that much about my care that he really wants to ensure that he's there to deliver me. I begged him to induce me on Friday, but I had no luck. He said he wouldn't induce me until I was 39 weeks pregnant because he wanted to ensure that Sean's lungs were mature, but if I went into labor on my own, he wouldn't stop it. Ok fine. Humpf. How do you argue that really?

We met up with my in laws for lunch and then came home. We strapped up the puppies and went for a walk.

I am still having contractions and still very crampy. Mr. Man is still moving around. All we know for now is that my next NST/BPP is scheduled for next Wednesday morning & my next ob appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday afternoon. Until then.... I will go with the flow until Friday evening. I made a promise to a friend that I wouldn't do anything to speed the process up until after our date at the Brooklyn Children's Museum.

Grad Party

Yesterday we went to a graduation party for Rob's cousin Bret. We're so proud of him for graduating high school. He's such a good young man and has done very well.

Meredith wore a really cute little dress I found at Once Upon a Child. I love that store!!! Look how cute she is. She's such a little lady.

Meredith had a good time with two very special little girls. They are twins and 7 years old. I never would've guessed twins. Never. Madison was especially sweet & caring toward Meredith and Meredith just adored the attention. Meredith must have kid-dar. As soon as Madison & Allie came in, Meredith spotted them. She was a little hesitant to make her way through all the adults, but eventually making friends won out. It was so cute. She didn't leave Madison's side the whole time we were there.

I felt a little bad for Rob though. He kind of got stuck watching the kids. I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to sit & relax without having to worry about chasing Meredith and making sure she wasn't getting into trouble.

Meredith discovered balloons outside. She loves balloons. She was so cute. She ran back & forth with them giggling the whole time. She also wanted to share "her" balloons with Madison. Of course Remmy, the dog, was also a source of great pleasure for Meredith. She loves a good dog. We're going to have to work on how she plays with other people's dogs though.


















With our dogs Meredith does whatever she pleases to them and they let her with not so much as a peep. Sometimes they look at us like "um..... help?", but they're saints. She lays on them, pulls on them, chases them, etc. And they lap it up. Unfortunately she thinks that every dog is that way. So sometimes she's a little rough with them. We of course tell her she can't do that with other people's dogs, but....... Thankfully enough she wasn't to rough with Remmy & Remmy was very good with Meredith. Meredith wouldn't let go of "her" balloons even while she played with Remmy.









Meredith didn't want to eat almost the entire day yesterday. It's really starting to concern me that Meredith isn't eating. It's not that she doesn't eat at all, it's just that it's so inconsistent. And she hardly ate until Madison fed her a hot dog. We were all stunned that I tried, Rob tried, her grandma tried and she wouldn't eat for anyone except Madison. At least she ate some right? That's what matters.









We started for home at about 7:30 and it was a very nice time.




We were afraid Meredith would fall asleep in the car & then be up all night, but she did very well. She spoke to us for the whole ride. She told us all about her puppies, how she walks them, how they pee & poop, how they play with the ball & it goes boom on their head. It was a very nice ride actually.

When we got home she didn't want to goto sleep, but she had to. She was up a long time and we all needed our sleep. Rob laid down with her on the couch and she fell asleep. We've been working on her being able to fall asleep on the couch so that when I goto the hospital to have Sean, she doesn't need to be rocked to sleep by just me. So far so good. At least way, if grandma, grandpa & Rob decide to just leave her on the couch at night, they can. It'll probably be easier all around to just leave her there anyway. I don't want her climbing into bed with anyone when I'm not around. I just don't think it's safe for her to sleep with anyone, but her parents.

Last night she woke up & I was having contractions. So I just asked that she come to bed with us since I just couldn't get up with her and Rob was exhausted too. She ended up cuddling upside down with our blanket. I left her there for 2 hours & then evicted her to her own bed. She did alright after that. We really need to figure this out. I hope once Sean is here it's easier for me to help Meredith sleep in her own bed all night.

Officially full term today

I am officially full term today. Sean is more than welcome to come anytime he wants now. I'm actually getting tired of people telling me to "be patient", "he'll come when he's ready" and that other jazz. This pregnancy has been nothing, but hard for me. It has been nothing, but hard on my marriage. It has taken away from my ability to move, sleep, enjoy time with Meredith, enjoy time with Rob & most importantly..... it has impacted my ability to take time for myself.

Between the pain, heartache & constant doctors' appointments, I feel like I have nothing left. No more energy. So yes.... I am ready to give birth. I am ready to have this kid as soon as possible. I'm anxious and nervous, but quite frankly I'm just done.

I don't even get to say "as long he's healthy......." because he's not. I don't get to have a normal delivery. I don't get to have a healthy child after all is said & done. I don't get to pretend that I do either.

I know that people mean well, but it irks me.

Dear little man:

Anytime you're ready to make your appearance, I'll be eagerly awaiting it. Will you come if I promise you a pony? How about candy & toys?

While I'm overjoyed with your seemingly amazing amount of flexibility & muscle tone, I'd be even more overjoyed to witness it in person. Come out & amaze everyone else too.

Please please please come out NOW!!!!

Love,
Mommy

When you just know.....

Yesterday we went to the beach. I was figuring on a nice relaxing day with lots of fun stuff to do. Meredith had other ideas. She woke up at 5:30 am. My plan was to head to the beach for 9am. We made it out of the house by 9am. I was so proud, but Meredith was already showing signs of needing a nap.

Even still, we made our pit stops & continued on to the beach. What we usually do is load up the stroller with all of our wares, umbrella, bag, cooler, pool, bucket & toys, and we set up camp near the water. I figured Meredith would go down for a nap at the beach like she did last year. I should have known better. All she wanted to do was play with the sand.






We set up shop, filled the pool and played for a little while. We usually put our neat sheet (amazing thing from babie r us), put the pool at one corner, use the 5 gallon bucket to fill the pool with water and then fill the bucket with sand to house the umbrella. When the umbrella is in the bucket we can move the umbrella as needed with the sun. When we pack everything up, anything wet or sandy goes into the bucket and everything else gets packed in the same manner as when we arrived.






I knew Meredith needed a nap when she started ignoring me. She stops listening & starts to get unruly when she's tired. It makes me so frustrated and angry. I hate being ignored.

One of the times Meredith decided to ignore me was by the surf. She took off running laughing & giggling the whole time. It was pretty cute, but still...... Well my poor baby tripped & fell. I picked her up just in time before a wave washed over her face, but she was still pretty stunned. I'm just glad the water didn't wash over her face.



No I wasn't far away from her. Rob took that picture. After that though, she wanted no part of the surf. Rob thinks it's because the water was cold, but I don't think so. I guess we'll see next time we goto the beach whether she's curious about it again. I'm hoping to make it there next weekend if Sean hasn't made his appearance yet.

I decided at 11:30 or so that it was time to try to put Meredith down for a nap. She was not having it one bit. And the more she screamed, the more angry I got. And the more she screamed the more Rob would say "jut let her play." Well of course she's going to keep screaming if there is someone saying she doesn't have to nap. And with every passing minute, I got more & more frustrated by the whole situation. She NEEDED a nap. It wasn't a question of want. She needed it. One woman decided it was a good time for her to bring her daughter over to "make the baby stop crying." I maybe not so politely, maybe?, asked her not to because we were trying to get her to nap. She didn't come over. If you ask me she just wanted her kid to be able to play in the pool. As soon as the pool goes up, I'm always amazed at the amount of children that show up near us. We could have a sliver of sand between us & the next group of people & someone will always try to squeeze in.

I gave up. I took the umbrella down. It didn't make sense for me to be sitting under it. I love the sun. And Meredith's pool wouldn't warm up in the shade. Plus she had no desire to be in the shade. I gave Meredith her peanut butter & jelly sandwich & took out some pickins in the hope that Meredith would finally eat something & drink something.

It's always so interesting how hungry my non-eating child gets as soon as I "ask" her to goto sleep. She knows that that is the one thing that will get her out of sleep because I'm always so concerned about her calorie intake.

One woman said "I guess she was hungry & that's why she was screaming." Um.... yeah.... no lady. My kid was screaming because she's overtired and needs a nap. I'm pretty sure I know when she's hungry and when she's not. 

A note to people out there..... Please remember that most parents of toddlers aren't just fumbling around in the dark. Sometimes we may feel like we are, but we're really not. We know for the most part, when our kids are tired, when they're hungry & when they just need get over themselves because they're testing the boundaries. Making comments a) doesn't help the situation and b) when made to a very tired, very pregnant, very frustrated mother on the beach is more than likely going to get your drowned. 

After that I sat. I wasn't dealing with her cranky nonsense anymore. If she didn't want to sleep, fine. If she didn't want to eat, fine. If she didn't drink, we'd head home. It was hot & she at least needed to drink.

She ran around in the hot sand saying "Hot. Hot. Hot." and would run back onto our beach sheet. She didn't want to go into the pool, but played on the outside until I got in with her. She played in the moist sand & ran from the waves. She sat with daddy & threw sand at him.





And yes..... no beach day is complete without pictures of Sean in mommy's belly. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow.









I got into the pool with her & rinsed her off so she could have some more pickins. Apparently as long as I was in the pool with her, she was ok to play in there.

Rob taught Meredith how to fish and she scooped water out of her pool. They built sand castles. At 1:30, having been there for 4 hours, I was hot and done. I needed to get the sand off of me. Blech. I love the beach, but hate the gritty feeling of sand on me. Especially when I can't get into the water to rinse it off.














As soon as we got onto the sidewalk & started to the car (not 1 minute after starting to the car), she fell asleep. She stayed asleep while I put her into her car seat & even made the transition to the house. She slept for 2.5 hours.



It wasn't a bad day. Just not the kind of day I was hoping for. She had fun. Rob had fun. I enjoyed most of my day and the gluttons we are, we're doing it again next weekend.

Meredith & I have had a busy couple of days. I finally hung her growth chart that her Bubbe got for her. I hung a green dragonfly over the nail to hide it. I think it looks cute. As soon as her fan is hung up, I'm going to hang her sun catchers from the ceiling. I can't wait.



We met a new friend this week. Her name is Kathleen & her daughter's name is Julie. We met at a local playground. Her daughter is 8 months old. I kind of felt bad because Meredith was just raring to go and her little one couldn't just get & go yet. Meredith & I played before Kathleen got there. Meredith chased a squirrel up a tree. She waved her stick at it & yelled when it ran up the tree. Then she discovered the flock of birds. Apparently they were just calling her name. So she chased them too.















I was also a little uncomfortable. Kathleen & I got to talking and it turns out that she had a son born 6 days before Meredith. As we got deeper into the conversation she told me that he was born with a serious heart defect. She delivered at Columbia so as to ensure she was at the hospital for her son to have the surgery he needed.  Her son passed away. It was all I could do to keep it together. I can't imagine how she felt. Here we were watching Meredith do things she should be watching her son do. I told her about Sean. She didn't seem uncomfy at all. So I just listened. Maybe she just needed someone who understood. We talked more in detail, but..... it's not my story to tell. I invited her & her daughter over here next week. I figure it would be easier for the kids. Julia will be able sit & play with toys & Meredith will be able to do what she wants. Kathleen & I will be able to have a cup of coffee & chat.

Meredith had her dinner and then started to play with it. She was so tired & delirious.



Yesterday we went to the GI specialist in Staten Island. Because we don't get to Staten Island that often these days I decided it was a good day to head to the carousel. The heat was horrendous, but it didn't matter.




As we rode the carousel, we both smiled and giggled. She pointed out the different animals that she saw. She looked up at the gears and stared long & hard at them. She was clearly trying to figure out how the carousel worked. We rode it twice and then had ice cream.





















We went on the carousel one more time and then it was time for a hot dog. As she ate her hot dog two little girls mosied on over. They were twins and about 2.5 years old. Meredith didn't know what to make of them at first, but one thing every girl has in common..... a love for picking flowers.







We made our way to the doctor's office. While were there one of the nurses offered Meredith a lollipop. Of course Meredith took off running for a "pop". Meredith did "check" with me first to make sure it was ok, but still. We're going to have to work hard at making sure she shouldn't goto strangers for candy. 

The GI dr told us the only to make 100% certain whether Meredith's reflux has returned is to perform an endoscopy under general anesthesia. I'm very wary of letting anyone put Meredith under general anesthesia. What we are doing though is having a stool sample tested for H. Pylori. H. Pylori is a very common bacteria that can cause all of Meredith's symptoms. Dr. T said it would explain everything and it's the least invasive test. We have to go back in 2 weeks to get the results and discuss the endoscopy. Dr. T said that Rob & I should both be there. I'm very nervous about making this decision. I want to know for sure if my baby is suffering, but I'm scared to death of her getting an IV & then being sedated.

Rob & I will have to really discuss this & figure out all the things we want to know. Maybe Meredith will surprise me & go back to sleeping well. HA!

Cruel Jokes from Mother Nature

I have been feeling very anxious & apprehensive about delivering Sean. I want him out, NOW, but I also don't want to have another birth experience I don't enjoy.

When I delivered Meredith I was so excited that I had finally delivered my little girl, but there were some people I feel that were very selfish. I was bombarded with constant phone calls about my father's death. He died the same night I delivered Meredith. I felt like I couldn't truly enjoy Meredith's coming into the world because I was busy with receiving faxes (yes at the hospital) and sending permissions via fax for funeral arrangements. I just couldn't believe that it was happening. I couldn't believe so many people were so wrapped up in such bullshit that I was prevented from enjoying my little girl. I couldn't believe my permission was so important when my sister's permission was also needed & everyone had to wait on that anyway.

He didn't die of natural causes. He died from his own stupidity and I am only happy that he didn't hurt or kill anyone else in the process. In the end I got fed up and told everyone that if they didn't leave me alone, I'd step up & really put a monkey wrench in the works & no one would get a choice in what they wanted to do with his funeral arrangements. That seemed to work. The constant phone calls finally stopped. 

Then we had a lot of visitors at the hospital. I was so happy to see everyone and I know everyone was super thrilled to see Meredith, but I kind of felt like people stayed to long. The only whole day I spent in the hospital was spent with constant visitors. I felt like I didn't have a chance to really bond with Meredith in the hospital. I also didn't have 5 minutes to myself. I had to sneak into the bathroom to take care of things because some of the men folk were uneasy with women issues. I had to ask people to leave the room so I could nurse Meredith. 

I also felt really bad for my roommate. She was pregnant with twins & in the hospital because of severe morning sickness. She had to deal with the constant stream of visitors too. She also had to deal with M's crying in the middle of the night. 

Now I'm almost at the point of delivering Sean and I won't have a good experience with him either. As soon as he's here, he'll be whisked away for monitoring. Yes I know that's a good thing. I know he needs it. But then he'll be in the nicu. I will be able to visit my own child anytime I want, but it's visiting. It's showing up to feed him and then I go back to my room. What is that? Then I may get discharged to  go home and have to pick him from the hospital the next day. 

I'm not thrilled about the whole thing. However, I need this kid out. I need my squatter to be born so I can hopefully get this over with. That's a horrible feeling. To feel like you just want to get his birth over with. 

It's like a cruel joke on me. I have had to deal with so much heartache. So much struggle with this whole pregnancy. Then at the end when I finally fall in love, I can't even enjoy him. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not that important. It's only a couple of days, but come on. Give me something! When we decided to have another baby we were optimistic. Would we have another girl? Would we have a boy? Would the kids get along? Would Meredith enjoy having a baby around? I thought about everything else except the things that could go wrong. I was trying to be cautiously optimistic. I didn't worry about having a miscarriage like I did with Meredith. 

Then I got pregnant & I wasn't happy. There wasn't anything I could do about it, but I just wasn't happy. I have mentioned in the past that maybe my body just knew there was a problem. I wasn't worried, just not happy. 

I have had one thing to celebrate in the last few months regarding Sean. And that's his 3d ultrasound from the other day. It's seems so trivial, but he looks so normal there & I am celebrating that. So here I am almost ready to deliver & I have only had 1 thing to celebrate. That's terrible. 

Of course Meredith not sleeping is not helping me at all. I love my child with all my heart, but I am so tired of her waking up at night. I'm tired of her screaming "MOMMY!" at night. Why doesn't she trust that I will be there when she wakes up? Why doesn't she trust that even when she's on top of me in my bed, I'm still there?

It's like another cruel joke. I am hugely pregnant. I am so uncomfortable and yet I can't even get into my bed & know I will be able to rest because Meredith screams as soon as I shut my eyes. She doesn't need to sleep in my bed, but because of my hip hurting I can't sit for longer than 3 minutes with her. My hip hurting is another story. 

We're going to the GI specialist to make sure she's not suffering. I want to make sure that her reflux hasn't returned and is waking her up. There are some other things I want to make sure of, but I won't go into detail. I hope we either get some clear answers that don't require Meredith to be completely traumatized or that Dr. T will tell me I'm crazy and there's nothing wrong with Meredith. 

I just can't understand what happened to my baby. She was sleeping so well. We spent so many months trying to figure out what her issue was and why she wasn't sleeping. We still haven't figured out the exact cause, but whatever we were doing was helping. She was sleeping sooooooo much better. Now we're back at square one. I have been told by many people "it's time to let her cry until she falls asleep." That's wonderful fi that works for other people's families, but it just doesn't work for mine. I do not believe in letting my poor kid cry in the middle of the night in the dark when all she wants is one of her parents to reassure her that all is ok. I would hate to be upset for whatever reason at night and have no one come hug me. Especially if I knew that someone was there. Meredith would never do that to me. Wy would I do it to her?

Plus.... because she can't really express all that well if something is bothering her, I wouldn't want my poor baby to be crying because she's in pain & I'm there just ignoring her. Again... I don't judge any family that does let their children cry it out. It just doesn't work for us. 

I have also read some studies that show allowing your child to consistently cry it out for long periods of time contributes to certain mental health issues later in life, like depression and a whole host of other lovelies.

I do need some sleep though. I need to recuperate. I need to be away from this kid for a little bit after being with her all day. Because of all of this, I'm afraid to go to the hospital to deliver Sean. What will that do to Meredith? She is going to be devastated. Will she bounce back quickly? Will she be even worse with the separation anxiety? How will she be when I return? Will I have 2 kids in my room at night? Will I ever sleep? 

So now onto my hip. Let's just put it out there. I'm an idiot. In May when we were in PA, I felt like I needed to crack my back. So in all my pregnant glory I twisted with great force while standing up and as soon as I did, I knew that I was in trouble. I immediately felt pain in my left hip. I hoped it would go away with some sleep & some rest, but..... that's when Meredith's tummy troubles started and her sleep stopped. Guess what that meant & means. So it has only gotten worse over the last 5 weeks. Between moving, my continued idiocy (moving furniture, lifting, etc), lack of sleep, and the stairs. It hasn't been pretty. Rob has been around to help, but you know..... things never get done quick enough for me. I'm inpatient. I need things to have a home. 

Anyway, I finally did goto an orthopedist and he won't treat me until I have this baby. So I have to suffer until Sean comes. Not to mention that he seems to feel that I'm in pain because I'm pregnant. I know this not to be true, but what am I going to do? I learned with the cardiologist not to question doctors who seem so confident in their diagnoses. Instead of hearing their patients they only hear their patients questioning their perfection.

I am afraid to question them because I don't need an ego pissing match with someone I'm hoping to trust to treat me. So when Sean is here I will find a different orthopedist who will hopefully listen to my concerns. I'm just not in the mood to listen to someone tell me that my hip hurts because I'm pregnant and there is nothing I can do. I'd rather deal with the pain. 

Now when it comes to my kids I don't have that problem. I don't care what the doctors feel like when it comes to making sure I understand the treatment of my kids and finding people we trust to treat them. 

We're off to Staten Island in a little while for our appointment with the GI specialist. I figure since we'll be there I might as well take Meredith to the carousel and goto Once Upon a Child. I love that store. 

Three appointments & finally something to celebrate

Today we had a bunch of appointments related to Sean. Our first appointment of the day was yet another fetal echo.

Sean cooperated very nicely for the echo and the tech was able to get way more pics than ever before. There has been no change in his heart. His pulmonary artery should be about 8mm-9mm wide and his is narrowed to about 7mm. So it's not to bad. She did say though that these are approximations because you can't ever really get a true picture until the baby is out. His blood flow in his brain is good & the umbilical cord looks good. 

The cardiologist said that Sean would be able to be released from the nicu and into the regular nursery after the first night if he was doing well. And then he would be discharged from the hospital with me. 

Then we met with the neonatologist. I didn't necessarily care for this guy, but he's the director of the unit. So it's not a guarantee I'll even have to see him. He said that Sean will come to me first as long as he's crying and breathing & then goto the nicu team. He will be evaluated and given IV fluids if his sugars dip below 45. They encourage bfing, but warned that because of the down's, Sean's muscle tone may not be strong enough to suck well. He would then be kept in the nicu until he was able to suck. If my milk is not enough, then we will have to supplement until my milk comes in. This bothers me, but it is what it is I guess. I wondered what would happen if we didn't know he had down's until he was born. This wouldn't even be an issue. At least I don't think it would be. They'd wait until my milk came in and that would be it. Why can't we assume that my body is making enough? Especially since the amount you can pump is never indicative of the amount of milk a baby can suckle from a breast. A baby is usually more efficient. I wonder what the lactation nazi's at the hospital would say about that. I'm not opposed to formula feeding and I'm not opposed to supplementing with formula. I'm annoyed that they don't seem willing to allow breastfeeding to happen naturally on it's own course. It takes time for any mother & baby to develop a good nursing relationship. 


I guess I should be grateful for what I am getting. A trained nicu staff that will be there if Sean has a problem. I also get to deliver at the hospital my OB is affiliated with. 


I am allowed to the nicu anytime I want to hold him, feed him, etc. So will Rob. No one else will be allowed to visit him while he's there. He also said that Sean will be discharged from the hosp from the nicu. Not into a regular nursery & then home. He said that if his sucking is great and the cardiologist releases him, he could go home with me or a day later. 

Then it was time for the non-stress test & ultrasound. Sean did very well this time with the NST. His heart rate stayed around 130+ beats per minutes. Then the good u/s tech did my u/s. Everything measured right on time and his femur was proportional and of normal length. Then we switched to 3/d. When she swiped across his face I screamed "Oh my god he looks normal!" She asked why he wouldn't so we told her that he had downs. Even though she was there for the amnio, she hadn't followed up on the results. She spent a lot of time looking for any markers for down's. He has a fully formed nasal bone, all the bones in his fingers & his femur is of normal length. She looked and looked and looked at his face & everything and said that it was amazing that he had down's. 


We went into this expecting someone very different to be staring back at us. We expected very different features. We expected very different emotions when we finally saw a face staring back at us. I guess I was expecting to feel saddened that he didn't look like a "normal" or typical baby. I wasn't expecting to see this typical looking baby staring back at me. I wasn't expecting to be elated when I saw his little face.  He looks normal to me. He has my nose and Meredith's lips. He weighs about 5.5lbs. 

Not that I would feel differently about him if he has characteristics of down's and not that I think this is the end all of pictures, but it was nice to have something to celebrate finally. I told Rob that if Sean comes out & doesn't have the 1 crease on his palm, we're having him retested.