New things & new thoughts

Most of Meredith's new furniture came. The crib & dresser came & rob was able to put it together. She's been sleeping in it for a couple of nights. We're just waiting for the armoire. Unfortunately for us, she hasn't been staying in her own bed at night. She usually ends up in our bed. Which is going to have to end. I like having my room in bed. I hate having someone touch me all night long. Rob hates that I like to sleep that way, but what are ya going to do? 

Since her new furniture came, we were able to move the cherry furniture into Sean's room. I even put his bedding into the crib. Ya know what that means? He has a bed he won't sleep in until I evict him from my room a few months after he is born. I can't wait to decorate it. I'm cutting out the animals from the wall border we ordered to match his bedding. It looked a little.... well... flat before. Everyone expects the border. I think I'll have some of the animals pop out of various places in his room.  

Sean is almost here!! Can you believe it? 

I have been forced to face some of my own prejudices. I have been forced to face some things that have always evoked intense emotions for me. For instance, there is a man who stands on 67th Street & 7th Avenue. I believe he has cerebal palsy. He is amazingly sweet and amazingly bright. He is out on that corner day in & day out selling candy by the side of the road. And every time we pass him, we buy $5 worth of candy (because hey.... candy is candy) and we give him whatever we have & tell him to keep the change. I cry hysterically just thinking about him. He doesn't use his physical limitations as crutch that prevents him from working. He doesn't let his perceived limitations stop him from getting out there. It doesn't matter if it's raining, sunny, hot or cold. He gets out there. He pushes through. I can only hope and pray that Sean has that much pride, dedication & determination. Quite frankly I can only hope & pray that either of my children have that much pride, dedication & determination to be productive citizens. 

I had never been forced to face my emotions about this man before. I was always able to drive away knowing that I had helped him earn a day's living. I can't drive away anymore. I am forced to look at, learn about and love a person that has special needs and physical limitations. I am forced to hope & pray that my son takes pride in everything he does & pushes on. I am forced to make sure that happens. 

I also think about friends of ours that work with many special needs children and adults. Until recently I wondered how they were able to do it. I cry just at the thought of it. Not because I feel there is something wrong with it, but just the sheer wanting  for them to be "normal". My non-comprehension and ignorance as to how these people felt, thought, etc. left me & continues to leave me with intense emotions that I can't name. Will Sean be able to tell me how he thinks? Will he be able to tell me how he operates? Will he be able to recognize these things to be able to tell me? How can he compare? To him, how he lives & thinks will be the norm. He won't really know there's a difference will he? 

I know that I'm happy these children & adults are well taken care of (at least the people my friends help) and being productive. They are doing what they're able to and they don't seem to question why they can't do something. They try. They always try to do whatever it is they want to do. 

I've also started to think about the fact that most children with special needs don't try to be something they're not. I felt such relief the other day when watching some teenage boys walking down the block, when I thought about how Sean will more than likely never feel the need to fit in by wearing his shorts/pants below his tushy. Can someone seriously explain this trend to me? 

Then a woman (?) walked by wearing something a) i wish I had the body to wear and b) if I wore it I wouldn't have been insulted if someone mistook me for a street walker. And I thought "Oh my goodness. My little girl may one day find that appealing or cool in some sort of way & try to go out looking like that." I started to feel really badly about the fact that I had that kind of prejudice, but then I got over it. 

Raising a little girl is the easy part. Raising a teenage girl is going to be hard. Does anyone know how long I can keep my baby a little girl? Anyone have any secrets to making sure she actually hears the words I speak to her about treating herself well and making sure everyone else does as well? 

I guess I will just have to hope that my influence over her is greater than that of everyone else. I'm also going to have to hope that when she's old enough to reason through her decisions, she makes the right choices. 

I will have to hope the same for Sean. Although I worry less about him in that regard.