As it gets closer to having Sean

This morning we kept busy by going grocery shopping. But as I sit here alone I am thinking about what my life will be like when Sean is here.

I'm so afraid I won't be able to love him. I'm so afraid I won't think he's cute. I'm afraid that all of my frustrations, anxieties and loneliness will prevent me from wanting to care for him. Yes I know. If I feel this way when he's here, seek help. Rob knows to seek help for me if I am unable to.

There are some things I never wanted to be.

I never wanted to be a teacher to society. A teacher to my kids, yes. Not to everyone else.

I never wanted to have my patience tested so much that I would be afraid I would explode.

I never wanted to feel like I could break down at any moment because of the flood of emotions I continue to feel each & every single day.

I never wanted to be the woman who felt like she had to continually fight every single day for the care of her son.

I never wanted to be the mother that felt like all she wanted to do was not be pregnant with her son.

I feel like every day is struggle to keep my sanity. I feel like everyday I have to convince myself why I should get out of bed. There are days I can't even be happy for Meredith's sake. Some days I feel like I just don't have anymore to give. Today is one of those days. I'm tired of juggling. He's not even here yet & I'm tired of juggling. What does that say about me? What does that say about me as a mother?

I watch Meredith & it scares me half to death that I won't think highly of my son because he's not like her. He won't reach & exceed milestones like she does.

I am not prepared for the birth of my son. When I was pregnant with Meredith everything was already done by now. Her clothes were washed. He room was decorated. The car seat was in the car. Everything was literally done. Here I sit at 34 weeks pregnant and I have no motivation to do any of these things for Sean. I feel incredibly guilty about that. What little clothes he has (M had a whole wardrobe by now), still have the tags on them, unwashed. His room looks like a bomb hit it. Yes I know we just moved in a week ago, but still. I'm usually on top of these things. The car seat is still in storage. Maybe it's my defense. What if he doesn't make it? What if he's so sick and can't come home for quite some time? If I'm not sitting here looking at his things, maybe it won't bother me so much. Yes I know in my head that could never be true. But if I don't invest my time & energy I won't feel like I wasted it. Who knows?

We are supposed to go this week to get the car seat out of storage and wash his clothes. Because yes I know I do have to because in all likelihood he will be home with us. And in all likelihood it will be soon.