Cruel Jokes from Mother Nature

I have been feeling very anxious & apprehensive about delivering Sean. I want him out, NOW, but I also don't want to have another birth experience I don't enjoy.

When I delivered Meredith I was so excited that I had finally delivered my little girl, but there were some people I feel that were very selfish. I was bombarded with constant phone calls about my father's death. He died the same night I delivered Meredith. I felt like I couldn't truly enjoy Meredith's coming into the world because I was busy with receiving faxes (yes at the hospital) and sending permissions via fax for funeral arrangements. I just couldn't believe that it was happening. I couldn't believe so many people were so wrapped up in such bullshit that I was prevented from enjoying my little girl. I couldn't believe my permission was so important when my sister's permission was also needed & everyone had to wait on that anyway.

He didn't die of natural causes. He died from his own stupidity and I am only happy that he didn't hurt or kill anyone else in the process. In the end I got fed up and told everyone that if they didn't leave me alone, I'd step up & really put a monkey wrench in the works & no one would get a choice in what they wanted to do with his funeral arrangements. That seemed to work. The constant phone calls finally stopped. 

Then we had a lot of visitors at the hospital. I was so happy to see everyone and I know everyone was super thrilled to see Meredith, but I kind of felt like people stayed to long. The only whole day I spent in the hospital was spent with constant visitors. I felt like I didn't have a chance to really bond with Meredith in the hospital. I also didn't have 5 minutes to myself. I had to sneak into the bathroom to take care of things because some of the men folk were uneasy with women issues. I had to ask people to leave the room so I could nurse Meredith. 

I also felt really bad for my roommate. She was pregnant with twins & in the hospital because of severe morning sickness. She had to deal with the constant stream of visitors too. She also had to deal with M's crying in the middle of the night. 

Now I'm almost at the point of delivering Sean and I won't have a good experience with him either. As soon as he's here, he'll be whisked away for monitoring. Yes I know that's a good thing. I know he needs it. But then he'll be in the nicu. I will be able to visit my own child anytime I want, but it's visiting. It's showing up to feed him and then I go back to my room. What is that? Then I may get discharged to  go home and have to pick him from the hospital the next day. 

I'm not thrilled about the whole thing. However, I need this kid out. I need my squatter to be born so I can hopefully get this over with. That's a horrible feeling. To feel like you just want to get his birth over with. 

It's like a cruel joke on me. I have had to deal with so much heartache. So much struggle with this whole pregnancy. Then at the end when I finally fall in love, I can't even enjoy him. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not that important. It's only a couple of days, but come on. Give me something! When we decided to have another baby we were optimistic. Would we have another girl? Would we have a boy? Would the kids get along? Would Meredith enjoy having a baby around? I thought about everything else except the things that could go wrong. I was trying to be cautiously optimistic. I didn't worry about having a miscarriage like I did with Meredith. 

Then I got pregnant & I wasn't happy. There wasn't anything I could do about it, but I just wasn't happy. I have mentioned in the past that maybe my body just knew there was a problem. I wasn't worried, just not happy. 

I have had one thing to celebrate in the last few months regarding Sean. And that's his 3d ultrasound from the other day. It's seems so trivial, but he looks so normal there & I am celebrating that. So here I am almost ready to deliver & I have only had 1 thing to celebrate. That's terrible. 

Of course Meredith not sleeping is not helping me at all. I love my child with all my heart, but I am so tired of her waking up at night. I'm tired of her screaming "MOMMY!" at night. Why doesn't she trust that I will be there when she wakes up? Why doesn't she trust that even when she's on top of me in my bed, I'm still there?

It's like another cruel joke. I am hugely pregnant. I am so uncomfortable and yet I can't even get into my bed & know I will be able to rest because Meredith screams as soon as I shut my eyes. She doesn't need to sleep in my bed, but because of my hip hurting I can't sit for longer than 3 minutes with her. My hip hurting is another story. 

We're going to the GI specialist to make sure she's not suffering. I want to make sure that her reflux hasn't returned and is waking her up. There are some other things I want to make sure of, but I won't go into detail. I hope we either get some clear answers that don't require Meredith to be completely traumatized or that Dr. T will tell me I'm crazy and there's nothing wrong with Meredith. 

I just can't understand what happened to my baby. She was sleeping so well. We spent so many months trying to figure out what her issue was and why she wasn't sleeping. We still haven't figured out the exact cause, but whatever we were doing was helping. She was sleeping sooooooo much better. Now we're back at square one. I have been told by many people "it's time to let her cry until she falls asleep." That's wonderful fi that works for other people's families, but it just doesn't work for mine. I do not believe in letting my poor kid cry in the middle of the night in the dark when all she wants is one of her parents to reassure her that all is ok. I would hate to be upset for whatever reason at night and have no one come hug me. Especially if I knew that someone was there. Meredith would never do that to me. Wy would I do it to her?

Plus.... because she can't really express all that well if something is bothering her, I wouldn't want my poor baby to be crying because she's in pain & I'm there just ignoring her. Again... I don't judge any family that does let their children cry it out. It just doesn't work for us. 

I have also read some studies that show allowing your child to consistently cry it out for long periods of time contributes to certain mental health issues later in life, like depression and a whole host of other lovelies.

I do need some sleep though. I need to recuperate. I need to be away from this kid for a little bit after being with her all day. Because of all of this, I'm afraid to go to the hospital to deliver Sean. What will that do to Meredith? She is going to be devastated. Will she bounce back quickly? Will she be even worse with the separation anxiety? How will she be when I return? Will I have 2 kids in my room at night? Will I ever sleep? 

So now onto my hip. Let's just put it out there. I'm an idiot. In May when we were in PA, I felt like I needed to crack my back. So in all my pregnant glory I twisted with great force while standing up and as soon as I did, I knew that I was in trouble. I immediately felt pain in my left hip. I hoped it would go away with some sleep & some rest, but..... that's when Meredith's tummy troubles started and her sleep stopped. Guess what that meant & means. So it has only gotten worse over the last 5 weeks. Between moving, my continued idiocy (moving furniture, lifting, etc), lack of sleep, and the stairs. It hasn't been pretty. Rob has been around to help, but you know..... things never get done quick enough for me. I'm inpatient. I need things to have a home. 

Anyway, I finally did goto an orthopedist and he won't treat me until I have this baby. So I have to suffer until Sean comes. Not to mention that he seems to feel that I'm in pain because I'm pregnant. I know this not to be true, but what am I going to do? I learned with the cardiologist not to question doctors who seem so confident in their diagnoses. Instead of hearing their patients they only hear their patients questioning their perfection.

I am afraid to question them because I don't need an ego pissing match with someone I'm hoping to trust to treat me. So when Sean is here I will find a different orthopedist who will hopefully listen to my concerns. I'm just not in the mood to listen to someone tell me that my hip hurts because I'm pregnant and there is nothing I can do. I'd rather deal with the pain. 

Now when it comes to my kids I don't have that problem. I don't care what the doctors feel like when it comes to making sure I understand the treatment of my kids and finding people we trust to treat them. 

We're off to Staten Island in a little while for our appointment with the GI specialist. I figure since we'll be there I might as well take Meredith to the carousel and goto Once Upon a Child. I love that store.