Aged beyond my years

Very few things in life will age you more & faster than learning to accept; then prepare for the arrival of a child who has special needs. And the more confidence you gain in your abilities to care for that child, the faster & harder you crumble when doubt creeps in.

In fact that same thing holds true for just about everything in my life. It seems the closer I feel to my husband, the easier it is to put a huge wedge in that closeness. The more I try to shield Meredith from negativity, the easier it is for it to come into her life.

Tonight I feel as alone as ever have. In the beginning of our latest journey as a couple, I felt like it was "us" taking all of this on. Lately though, I feel like it's "me" taking it on. Yes Rob comes to appointments & helps to make important decisions, but when it comes to dealing with the anything else, it seems to be only me.

I try to shield myself & my family from negativity about Sean's conditions. I try to make sure that people are understanding of the fact that we are accepting the hand we've been dealt. I was told tonight that "maybe not everyone has accepted Sean having down's syndrome the way we have". Guess what. I haven't accepted it. I am still learning to accept it. I have just learned to convey that I am learning & navigating a whole new world with open eyes and open arms because I have to. I have to show the positives to my child.

What I have also learned is to make sure that Meredith sees & feels love when it comes to Sean. I have made sure that no matter what I am feeling, I show Meredith it's ok. I show her that it's ok to feel. To acknowledge her feelings, but it is never ok to be intolerant. It's ok to question, but it is never ok to remain ignorant after those questions have been answered. It's ok to not understand what is going on.

I have an uncanny ability to pick up small subtleties in a conversation. I have an uncanny ability to truly feel what other people are feeling. I pick up on cues. A lot of people may also not realize that what they say and do..... or not do for that matter....... causes great pain in me.

I hate that people feel as though they have to hide their true feelings from me about Sean. I wish people would know that their true feelings come out anyway. It's just worse when it creeps out in small doses. I say just let it out. It's ok to not feel 100% about him, about his care, about our abilities, about their abilities, etc. No one expects anyone to be STRONG in a situation like this. Why can't people understand that the more people admit their true feelings, the closer we will feel. It will allow the rest of our circle of support to come into place. I don't lean on people because they're strong. I lean on people because they're feeling & going through similar things as I am. I lean on them because their perspective may be different than mine and may open my eyes.