I haven't cried because I have accepted that my son is not what I thought he would be. I have learned that I can love him & do love him. I have accepted that like any other child I have or may have I will only want to ensure the best for them. So I haven't cried over him not being "normal"
That is until the mounting frustrations of the cardiologists got to me this morning. Of course I'm here all alone. Well.... with the exception of Meredith. I'm waiting for the cable guy to come & install our cable.
I received a phone call from the cardiac surgeon's (Dr. B) office saying that they hadn't received any of the reports they were expecting from the pediatric cardiologist (Dr. R) at Maimonides and if they didn't get them by today our appointment for tomorrow would have to be cancelled. Dr. R had assured us that since this wasn't a second opinion appointment with Dr. B he did not need the reports. We trusted that.
I have been on the fence about Dr. R for a little while. I guess since she acted so defensive & insulted that I had called Dr. B on my own to set up a consultation. I just couldn't understand what the big deal was. It's not like I set up a lemonade stand right next to hers and undercut her prices. I am trying to ensure the best possible medical care for my child.
Meredith's pediatrician recommended a pediatric cardiologist that he works with. I wanted to meet with them before Sean was born so that it would be seamless once Sean was born. I'm pretty sure I do not want to stay with Dr. R after Sean's birth and for the aftercare of his surgery. I'm just not sure I trust her enough to allow her to care for him once he's here.
This morning I chose to call Dr. P's office to schedule a consultation. This particular doctor does not do consultations. I am beyond frustrated about that. I don't like the idea of trusting a doctor I haven't met or spoken with to care for my children. I'd like to know that I like their way of practicing. I'd like to know that they're not patronizing, that they don't have a god complex.
After all of the hoops I feel like I've had to jump through to ensure my baby has the best care, I'm done. I have had enough of the poking & prodding. I'm tired of having to take so much time out of our lives to sit around & wait for doctors. I'm tired of watching the money go flying out the window to try to pay for all of our co-pays. I'm just tired.
So today I'm sad. Why can't my baby just be normal? I guess today is one of those days that some friends going through similar things warned me about. I jut wanna get back into bed & pull the covers over my head.
((hugs))
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