A month left to go

Today we went to my OB appointment. All went well. I'm not going to deliver any minute. Today Sean was high, but you never know with him. Some days he's high up. Some days way down low.

I have only gained a pound in two weeks. The stairs to the new place are paying off because lord knows I eat everything in sight.

Everything else looked good. Sean's heartbeat was normal. He's in the right position. I go back to see the OB in 2 weeks. Next week I have to go for another fetal echo, growth ultrasound, non-stress test and we're taking a tour of the nicu.

I can't believe I only have another month until my due date. That is just insane to me. Today I have been thinking about how I spent most of this pregnancy ambivalent & apprehensive about having another baby. Then I thought about the days immediately following us receiving the diagnoses. I can't believe how far I have come in accepting what Sean has and falling mostly in love with Sean.

Yes I have accepted what Sean has, but I have nowhere near accepted the daunting tasks that lay ahead of us. I haven't been able to fully grasp all of the things that will be involved in raising Sean. And while I have fully invested my emotions with Sean, I mostly love him. There is still a piece of me that is holding back and I couldn't tell you why. I'm excited to have a newborn around again. I'm excited to figure out the placement of his furniture. I'm excited to watch Meredith play with him & nurture him. There is just something that I can't place my finger on that is holding me back.

It's actually quite annoying that I'm unable to place what it is that's holding me back. For the most part we have received nothing, but support from our nearest & dearest. I have come to terms that my life will never be the same. Not that it would've been had Sean been a typical baby. I have come to terms that Meredith will probably resent having to share her mommy & daddy. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to handle that, but that's a different story.

And while I love the idea of this little tiny baby, I guess I don't love all that's going to be involved. I'm not at all prepared, nor do I know how to prepare, for all of the therapies, doctors' appointments, etc. that we face. I haven't figured out how to prepare for a life of unknowns. That means that I also don't know how to help Rob prepare or how to prepare Meredith. As the chief of my indians, doesn't it fall on me to be able to help them? I should be able to help them navigate through the rough waters ahead, but I can't.

Sometimes that makes me feel quite inadequate. Other times I wonder how I can expect to be able to help them. It's not like this is anything I have ever faced before.

I fully believe that this, like anything else, is going to be one day at a time, but I can't help and think about the future. I can't help, but wonder how I'm going to be able to help them cope. How I'm going to help myself cope.