Surgical date is set

And all of sudden all of the emotions I felt when we first met with the surgeon are back. I suddenly realized that in less than 2 months my little man will be having open heart surgery. It seems like so far and so close at the same time. I remember walking down the hallway to the surgeon's office and seeing all the plaques on the wall. Cardiac transplant team, heart failure, etc. We have grown so attached to this little guy. I can't imagine how my heart would just break if something were to happen to him. I wouldn't forgive myself for pushing to have his surgery done sooner rather than later.

I was suddenly paralyzed with fear. Fear of the surgery. Fear of the preparation. Fear of having to not feed him the night before the surgery. I can't even begin to fathom how hard it's going to be to listen to my little man cry from hunger knowing his boobies are right there & not helping him out.

I can't help, but feel like this is going to set him up for some major anxiety after this is all said & done. I can't even begin to fathom the amount of pain he's going to be in. How scared he's going to feel. I can't imagine how Meredith is going to be when not only is mommy not home, but daddy & Sean aren't either. How will I explain it to her? My heart aches just thinking about all of this. My head hurts trying to wrap my mind around all that is about to happen. I just can't make sense of all that I am feeling. I wish there was a way I could make it all easier for us.

At the same time I'm so excited that it's getting done early. He'll hopefully be strong enough for cold & flu season to fight of the nasty germs. Hopefully when he gets sick or has something going on, I won't have to worry whether it's his heart causing a problem or a problem that will cause a problem with his heart. After the surgery he'll be like any other 3 month old with down's syndrome. He won't be a 3 month old with down's & a heart defect.

I just can't get passed the fact that really there is always a chance that he won't make it or will have a really hard time with the surgery, anesthesia or recovery. And quite frankly, I just don't know how I will be able to handle that. I just don't think I could handle it. That would almost certainly put me right over the edge I have been teetering on for so long.

The surgical date is October 4, 2010.