Longing

That's what I'm feeling. I'm longing for a sense of normalcy. I'm longing for a sense of belonging. I'm longing for friends who understand. I'm longing for friends with kids that I have things in common with. I'm longing for friends with kids going through what mine are going through. I'm longing for connections with people.

I'm not depressed. I don't feel helpless or hopeless. I don't feel like I'm losing interest in the things I love and love to do. In fact it's quite the opposite. I just feel trapped. I feel trapped by doctors' appointments. I feel trapped by my kids' schedules. I feel trapped in a life I had no intention of living. I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. I don't know how to make things better or easier. I find myself frustrated all the time.

I feel like I'm doing a million things at once and nothing at all at the same time. I feel stagnant. Yet I'm always going and have a hard time finding time to eat. I'm like a walking contradiction.

Meredith wants her mommy to sit & play with her. Sean needs his mommy to feed & play with him. Everyone needs an appointment scheduled. Everyone needs an emergency appointment made. Everyone has something that they need from me. I just don't know how much longer I can keep up the pace I've been keeping.

I just don't know how to get myself organized. I don't know how to pull myself out of the rut I feel like I'm in. I don't know how to coordinate all the things in my life that have to be coordinated.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get more than 10 minutes of quiet and I can sit down & figure it all out.