Jack of all trades

Who am I? To tell you the truth...... I have no idea anymore. I can tell you who I am to other people. I am:

* A wife

* A mother

* A nurse

* A teacher

* A jester

* An advocate

* A receptionist

* Maid

* Butler

* Personal shopper

* Personal assistant

* Banker

All of these things to everyone else and nothing to or for myself. Somewhere between marriage & having children I seem to have checked my identity at the door & someone walked away with it. I don't know who I am because I never get the chance anymore to explore it. I am always doing something for someone else.

I need time and yet "keeper of time" is not on the list of trades is it? Nope. "Keeper of time" is a trade that belongs to someone else and I just don't know who. I don't know who to ask for the time I need to explore who I am. I try & try to find out who it is. I ask around and I'm told the same thing over & over. "I'm sorry. You'll have to continue your search." Quite frankly unless the keeper of time knocks on my door, I may never find out who it is because I just don't have the energy needed to keep searching.

I may just have to give up. I'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that there is time for me. I'm tired of tricking myself into thinking that I'm entitled to have time to explore. I'm tired of wondering who I am. I should just get used to the idea that I apparently don't get to have anyone be anything for me. I don't get a nurse. I don't get a butler or maid. And I certainly don't have the time or energy to be them to myself.

Apparently since I am home, I am not entitled to have an identity. I'm not entitled to time off.

One of the benefits to working outside of the home is that you get some time to yourself. It might not be much, but you're guaranteed at least some time for lunch and commuting. You still work 24/7, but the day is broken up into pieces. You're not in any one place 24 hours a day with the same people.

I used to hate the hour long commute on the train into & from the city every single day. Now I would give my left leg to stand on that train packed to the gills with people just to have some time out of my house and away from my family. When you're working outside the home, you're guaranteed some time for lunch. You can go shopping, sit in the park ALONE and have something to eat that you don't have to share. The life of this stay at home mom is nothing like that. My kids tag team me all day long. Usually when one goes to sleep, the other one wakes up. As soon as I feed & change one, the next one is ready to be fed & changed. In the evenings it's the same thing. Rob tries to help, but it's always me in the end. Even in the middle of the night. I guess after two years I should be used to having to do everything. I should be used to having a cling on.

I talked myself into believing that by now someone else would be able to soothe Meredith. I talked myself into believing that when she got older it would get easier with her. I truly did believe these things and yet here I am.

The events in recent weeks have opened my eyes to countless things. I have been given an all access pass into the minds of others and I am no longer blinded by hope. I'm not hopeless, but I'm no longer blind to the capabilities of others or rather what others want to be capable of. Can others take on some of what my shoulders are bearing? Yes. Should I expect them to? No. Not anymore. And I will stop asking. I will stop asking because being told "yes" and then it not happening is worse than just keeping it all on my shoulders.