Foggy thoughts

I have so many thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head lately.

I find myself getting very anxious and upset about Sean's upcoming surgery.  Just at the mere thought that my baby..... my sweet innocent little baby..... is going to be put under anesthesia and have his chest ripped open has me in tears. How terrified is he going to be? How terrified am I going to be? How will I care for him? How will I juggle Meredith's & Sean's needs to have their mommy with them while he is in the hospital? I am paralyzed with fear. I am happy that he's having his surgery relatively soon. It means I can stop questioning everything. Is he to hot? Is he to cold? Is he crying to hard? Is he turning blue? Is he not eating because he has congestive heart failure? Is he sleeping to much because his heart is working to hard? I will hopefully be able to say "he's a baby & babies sleep". Ok a lot of babies sleep. Right? Or "he's sleeping a lot because he's growing." Or something like that. I don't want to always wonder whether it's his heart.

I'm also finding that I have no one to compare Sean to. Yes yes.... I shouldn't compare him anyway, but I have no idea what's normal for him. I don't know where on the spectrum of capability he is. It's making me nuts. I am dying to know how well he's faring in the milestone department. I know we're told he's doing exceptionally well, but I need more. I need my baby to be "normal". I need him to reach his milestones on time. I need to know what he's going to be able to do. I need to see my baby show me that he loves me with a smile. We've gotten a few, but nothing consistent. I need my baby to show me that he's happy & content.

I'm also finding that I'm harboring a lot of resentment toward a lot of things. Not people per se, but situations. Like.... Meredith waking up in the middle of the night. Like Meredith only wanting me. Sean taking a lifetime to nurse. I totally feel like childcare is solely on my shoulders. Not that Rob doesn't help out or doesn't want to help, but in the end it's just me. It's me remembering all the little details that keep the family humming. It's me that remembers to give medicine or remembers who likes what kind of show. It's me who has to sway back & forth, sit in the glider or do a swaddle. Which by the way Hoodini couldn't have gotten out of my uber swaddle & Sean does.

I struggle with surrendering parenting to Rob. Partially because even though he's taking care of the issue at hand, I'm still walking him through a lot it. So if I have to do it anyway, I might as well do it and get it over with. Not that I have to give him step by step instructions, but I do have to remind him of a lot of things. Especially preferences. This is creating a lot of resentment for me.

I'm also getting tired of having to ask. Not that I expect Rob to read my mind, but at this point I would expect some anticipatory actions. I know I do this parenting things everyday ALL DAY LONG, but just once I'd like Rob to anticipate that at 7pm Meredith is going to have to start unwinding. Not to start her up by playing with the dogs.

Stupid things are bothering me. I don't know how to cope with the little things. Big things, yes. But not little things. And the little things add up. It's a diaper here. A swaddle there. A dirty floor here. I wish I could just scream "Holy crap!!!!! If you feel funk under your feet clean the floor!!". But I can't and don't. What would it solve? He already feels like I ask him to do to much. And I don't..... If you're home you have to not only deal with the kids, but everyday chores as well. You don't get to just be the fun guy.

I also feel trapped. I feel like I can't get out of this house to do anything or see anyone. I'm so afraid of Sean getting sick again that I just want to keep him in a bubble until he's home from surgery. I realize there aren't enough indoor activities to keep Meredith & I from going all Redrum for me to just stay home, but I still feel like that's what I want to do. On the other hand, all I want to do is take my babies for a nice long walk so I can work off some calories, they can get air and maybe stop to smell some roses. Unfortunately it's either been sweltering outside so Sean can't be out to long, Sean doesn't like the stroller & can't be in the jogger yet and Meredith's schedule is so ingrained that she's a bear if it gets messed up. So I may very well go all Redrum soon.

I have a TON of mommy guilt. I feel like I don't spend enough quality time with Meredith. I also feel like I spend no quality time with Sean. I'm either nursing, doing exercises or trying to put him to sleep. I spend all of my days juggling their needs and have no time left over for wants. I think the last few days I finally stopped for 5 minutes & just snuggled my little man. I hadn't had a chance to let him sleep on me and really snuggle yet. I made the time to do that. Meredith always snuggled on me when she was that young. I miss that. Now she's just on me. All. The. Time. Not that I want Sean to sleep on me for 2 hours like Meredith used to, but I'd like 10 minutes (maybe) of time for Sean to really settle in & feel that same closeness that Meredith & I got to share without her screaming or throwing blocks, etc. I doubt I'll ever feel like I'm giving them each the amount of time they deserve, but I hope after Sean's surgery meeting needs gets a little more efficient so I have more time for wants.

Oh well..... I hope that my pressure valve is released soon. I hope that things can finally settle into a "normal" routine for us. Only then, unfortunately, will I feel my thoughts can be organized. Hopefully I'll feel less scatter brained and less resentful. I really just need a break from reality for a little while.