Making Peace with My Parenting

I am in no way, shape or form the kind of mother I thought I was going to be. My children are in no way, shape or form the children I thought I was destined to have.

I am impatient. I have deep seeded resentments toward my children for not sleeping as well as the children I thought I was destined to have would have slept. I curse in front of my children (not to be confused with cursing at them. I'd never do that.) because quite frankly, it's the only way they stay alive. I speak in annoyingly accusatory tones to my husband in front of them because sometimes just letting it out regardless of what little ears hear is the only way he stays alive. I even allow my kids to have ice cream for lunch. And sometimes.... I even allow it for dinner on the same day. Ya know why? Sometimes having something I know they're guaranteed to eat that I didn't have to prepare.... is the only way they stay alive.

I hate that my 4 year old feels the need to always have her feet touching me and that she hogs my entire bed when she's lucky enough to sleep in it. I cannot stand that my son thinks it's hysterical to be under my feet every single time I turn around and that he puts himself right in the line of fire for Dutchess (our dog) to run right into him and knock him over. Or that the one thing that might send me over the edge is the one thing they do over & over & over & over.

It drives me positively batty that when I need them to, neither of my children can just suck "it" up for 5 minutes so I can pee, buy a new shirt, etc.

Judge away. I'm ok with it. I've made my peace with the fact that I will never be a perfect parent. Hell.... I've made my peace with not even being on the same spectrum of perfection. The only thing I do perfectly is love them.

I have decided to give up on the guilt I used to feel. Maybe my kids watch to much tv, but my children also live full & active lives. That mommy guilt is a horrible thing. Websites like pinterest and Facebook, where parents/caregivers can show off what they've done or want to do with their kids doesn't help either.

I need a tshirt that screams, in florescent green, "I'M NOT PERFECT."

Not even in the eyes of my 4 year old. Except maybe when I'm allowing her to eat some of the chocolate bar I've been hiding. At which point she'll exclaim "You're the best mommy ever!"

As a mom, wife, woman.... I need to know that I'm not alone in my imperfection. That's why I'm putting this out there.

In order to shed my guilt I needed to let go of the idea that I'm not supposed to be annoyed by my kids. Ever. I needed to let go of the idea that they were always supposed to the light of my every single moment of the day.

I needed to re-embrace the notion that I am ENTITLED to have an identity outside of Meredith & Sean's mommy. Now that's not to say that going out for late evening trysts with friends or on the late night date with Rob is worth the exhaustion the next day, but lunch, brunch & dinner are welcomed distractions from mommy burn out.

Sending my kids to school is a welcomed distraction and allows me time to get back to me. It allows me some flexibility and allows me time to process.

I am free from the guilt I used to feel. I am free to breathe easier. My kids still smile, laugh & play. They still have active imaginations and they'll grow up to be model citizens even though I'm not perfect.

Tomorrow.... a wrap up of the kids' first week of school and Meredith's start to gymnastics. :)