Religious Purgatory

It's not like growing up we were so religious. I was exposed to & taught about religion, but I never had hardcore faith in the divine. As I've gotten older I have felt like there HAS to be something bigger. Something of a puppeteer controlling the strings of life. A God. Someone I turn to and ask to guide me. Someone I pray to for a good outcome. "It" can't just end with us (humans).

Now however, I'm not so sure. I feel like so many things in my life is a constant struggle. A constant struggle. It often feels as though we're trying & trying so hard to swim up river. That the universe or powers that be just refuse to cooperate to allow an easy passage. And I have often heard that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. But does handling things have to come at such a consistently high price? Would a God really want to push a person so far that she gives up faith that there is more?

So I've been feeling like I'm in a kind of purgatory. Feeling like I need to believe that there is more, but also feeling almost like there's really not much to believe in.