I allowed it to happen.

I allowed myself to go there. To that dark place of normalcy. You know the one. The one where you look at your son and wonder "is that normal? Do all almost 3 year old boys do that?"

I don't know why. I can guess why. Lately I've been feeling a tad inadequate. Meredith was far beyond the typical understanding & comprehension of the world at this age and I guess I took it for granted. With Sean it's not quite that easy.

Meredith wasn't "busy" or always on the move looking for trouble. But is he looking for trouble because I'm not doing enough or teaching enough. Is his brain bored? Are his hands restless? Is that why he's "doing that"?

I don't know. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm feeling without feeling frustrated. It's a very vicious cycle I've set myself up with. Meredith always expects to be doing something. And it's my fault because up until recently we always were doing something. But doing something usually involves a lot of jumping up & down in an attempt to stem the tides of crisis when it comes to Sean. "Sean don't color on the wall. Only on the paper." "Sean don't tip the juice over and play in it please." Sean stop poking your sister with the marker?" "Dear god Sean, did you really just color on the rug with marker?" "Sean get off the skateboard."

For the record.... yes he really did. And they were red, pink & black markers on cream colored carpeting.

Some days it's just exhausting; the constant. The constant moving, getting up & down, constant saying "Sean leave the water bowl alone". Actually most days it's exhausting. I'd like to just one day tell Sean "hey lets sit & eat." And him sit and eat. Or at the very least be able to sit while I ate. Instead of me taking a bite & then chasing behind him while he picks up ants to watch their legs squirm.

So today I found myself saddened that I've allowed myself to be worried about "normal." Worried about being inadequate without a way to feel adequate. Worried that the constant isn't going to get easier. Worried that it is "normal" and I'll never find a way to be adequate or able to keep up. Worried that Meredith will get lost in the shuffle.

Well how about that?

So.... in an attempt to be thorough I scheduled myself to show up for a fetal echocardiogram. Ya know..... just to give myself something to obsess about. I knew I'd be doing it, but I wasn't prepared to feel as hormotional as I am feeling.

I called Sean's cardiologist and very matter of factly explained who I was, why I was calling and asked for an appointment. Very stoic like. The receptionist was lovely and said she'd speak with Dr. Greene, the tech and call me back to schedule the appointment. No problem and I went about my business.

And then.... my phone rang. "Mrs. Scott? It's (insert receptionists name). I'm calling to schedule the fetal echo for you......... "

And with that my heart sank. We scheduled it for May 17 and when I hung up the phone my eyes started to well up. I immediately felt the same way I felt 3.5 years ago when we learned about Sean's heart defect. I was terrified. I'm feeling that way again today. I truly wasn't expecting to feel so anxious and I was totally caught off guard. Especially since I haven't felt anxious thus far.

Right now, at 19 weeks and some change, baby # 3 is healthy. Things are measuring the way they're supposed to be measuring. I have to remember that.

Sean's Riding His Scooter

Look at him go!

Either I have to lay off the ice cream or....

I'm having a baby. I'm 18 weeks pregnant now. I feel like I'm huge even though I've barely gained any weight. All told I've probably gained about 5lbs total since December. I have an appointment this week to see if that number is accurate. 4 weeks ago my dr went on & on about how I'd only gained 3lbs and how I needed to gain more.

So.. about that testing. Did I have any done? I had an NT scan done, but that was only for a sneak peek. I don't feel the same way I did when I was pregnant with Sean. And because I'm not really scared of having a miscarriage like I was with Meredith, I just don't feel the same urgency I did when I was pregnant with each of them.

With Meredith I always needed reassurance that she was still in there and doing well. With Sean I always had a sense that something was amiss and with every appointment I waited for the next shoe to drop.

This time around I don't feel any of that. I'm trying just to enjoy being pregnant. It is the last time for me.

We were given a gender guess at the NT scan, but I'm not telling what it is.

I am supposed to have an anatomy scan done soon, but I've even been questioning whether I wanna do that. LOL I know that's silly. I really only want this baby's heart checked. Because tetralogy of fallot is generally not being associated with Down syndrome, we have no 100% way of knowing whether or not they are related in Sean or just luck of the genetic draw. So we will be looking into that & at 24 weeks I will be having a fetal echo done.

I will not be having an amnio and while I was offered to have the Harmony blood test done, I declined it. Like I said... I just don't feel that worried. And it's not like it would change anything.

I will be scheduling a 3d elective ultrasound in a couple of months because I thought it was so cool to see my babies faces and personalities showing through even in the belly. I can't wait to see what this baby looks like.

My belly seems so much bigger this time around. Probably because the muscles that used to hold everything is are stretched from 3 babies in 5 year's time. I'll have a lot of work to do to strengthen everything up or need a buttload of cash to have it tightened up surgically when this is all over.

So here's what I look like at 18 weeks. I have needed to get some longer shirts and opted to buy some maternity shirts. All of my pants & shorts still fit. Jeans are snug in the waist, but I'm doing pretty well.

 

 

 

I feel pretty good. A little more tired than I remember being with the other 2, but I wasn't chasing Sean the last 2 times.

 

Meredith is positively thrilled about having another baby on the way. She keeps telling all about the things she wants to teach the baby and all the ways she's going to help. Sean could care less. he's busy.

 

That's it for now. I'll update about the kids soon.

It's the big announcement!!!

Did you read the signs? Did you?! Huh?!


 I'll come back after you've had time to digest it and we can talk about testing and some other things that I've been asked about.  

World Down Syndrome Day

Tomorrow is World Down Syndrome Day. It's a day to bring awareness to the world about Down syndrome, but most people are aware of it. At least all of the people we have the pleasure of coming into contact with. Sean brings Down syndrome right to the forefront anytime he meets someone. Not because we wear it like the scarlet letter, but because he is soooooo typical. People are genuinely surprised to see their ideas of Down syndrome crumble right before their eyes.

So tomorrow and all the days after, we'd like for all of our friends and family to do a couple of things for us.

We want you to teach your kids that not everyone speaks as well as others.

Teach your students that not everyone reads as quickly or does math problems as easily.

Teach your parents and grandparents that the things they thought about people/children with Down syndrome just isn't true anymore. That as times have changed in everything else, so has the understanding of what Down syndrome actually is, what can be affected and what people with Down syndrome are able to actually accomplish when they're believed in and given the tools to succeed

Teach your friends that if they have nothing constructive to ask (we welcome questions) or say, then please shove your wine glass to your lips for fear of alienating your friends.

Teach the world that EVERYONE has something to offer and everyone is a contributing member of society.

Teach your pediatricians, ob/gyn's, dentists, and any medical professional you meet that there is no text book Down syndrome. There is no such thing as a little bit Downs. It is not acceptable to not treat a person with Down syndrome for something you'd treat a typical person for.

Please reassure your sister, best friend, neighbor that if they get an iffy test result when they're pregnant, that Down syndrome is not a death sentence. Please help them reach out to "us" to see that our kids are just that. Kids. They are full of life and vibrancy and they bring that into everything they touch. Just like all kids.

And last, but certainly not least.... give yourself a hug. We have all been there. We've all said that. Know that as moms of children/adults with Down syndrome we do not feel like we're above using the word retarded. We have. We remember. We are not above or deny that we've had our own notions of what people with Down syndrome are like. We remember the fear. We remember the concern.

We have had to learn. Our eyes were forced open to many nuances that make people with Down syndrome unique just like the many nuances make EVERYONE unique. We have had to learn how to fight and speak up in areas we thought people were just being to sensitive about. Sorry Jenn Jenn.

We hope that as people get to know us and our children/friends/family members, etc that they see that Down syndrome is simply.... extra genetics. It means nothing more than a person may or may not have brown hair, blue eyes, one leg longer than the other, may read faster than his peers and may stink at math (like so many others).

Neglect!

This blog has been severely neglected. We are still here, but things are quite busy. We'll be back soon. :)