I allowed myself to go there. To that dark place of normalcy. You know the one. The one where you look at your son and wonder "is that normal? Do all almost 3 year old boys do that?"
I don't know why. I can guess why. Lately I've been feeling a tad inadequate. Meredith was far beyond the typical understanding & comprehension of the world at this age and I guess I took it for granted. With Sean it's not quite that easy.
Meredith wasn't "busy" or always on the move looking for trouble. But is he looking for trouble because I'm not doing enough or teaching enough. Is his brain bored? Are his hands restless? Is that why he's "doing that"?
I don't know. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm feeling without feeling frustrated. It's a very vicious cycle I've set myself up with. Meredith always expects to be doing something. And it's my fault because up until recently we always were doing something. But doing something usually involves a lot of jumping up & down in an attempt to stem the tides of crisis when it comes to Sean. "Sean don't color on the wall. Only on the paper." "Sean don't tip the juice over and play in it please." Sean stop poking your sister with the marker?" "Dear god Sean, did you really just color on the rug with marker?" "Sean get off the skateboard."
For the record.... yes he really did. And they were red, pink & black markers on cream colored carpeting.
Some days it's just exhausting; the constant. The constant moving, getting up & down, constant saying "Sean leave the water bowl alone". Actually most days it's exhausting. I'd like to just one day tell Sean "hey lets sit & eat." And him sit and eat. Or at the very least be able to sit while I ate. Instead of me taking a bite & then chasing behind him while he picks up ants to watch their legs squirm.
So today I found myself saddened that I've allowed myself to be worried about "normal." Worried about being inadequate without a way to feel adequate. Worried that the constant isn't going to get easier. Worried that it is "normal" and I'll never find a way to be adequate or able to keep up. Worried that Meredith will get lost in the shuffle.
I might be wrong but what you're detailing is how many people have described to me the typical boy vs girl differences. Everyone I know who had a girl first remarks on how insanely rambunctious their boys are in comparison. It might be as simple an explanation as that.
ReplyDeleteSo many of my friends have said the same thing. Some days are just harder than others to not wonder what's normal vs. Down syndrome and whether or not I'm really cut out for this. :)
DeleteI'm sorry you're going through this. While I was reading I wished I could just give you a hug, then watch your kids while you go take a bath or sleep for a few hours.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. He's only this age for a while. Things will change. I can't say if they'll get better or worse, but they will change! :)
Thanks. Hopefully He'll sit for a little while one of these days ;)
DeleteHugs. You have just described life with my typical 3 year old boy. It's har not to be jealous of parents I see out in public with their boys sitting down and actually eating! It's hard not to wonder if I'm doing something wrong sometimes. But then I try to remember that there are people who would love nothing more to have a crazy rambunctious little boy to call their own. Hugs again!
ReplyDeleteGood grief I can totally relate to this post! While I have experienced first hand the difference in raising rambunctious little boys compared to girls and I know some of this is "normal" behavior...
ReplyDeleteThere are days where Russell and the constant redirecting and scolding absolutely exhaust me. And then there is a brief moment of fear wondering if because he has Ds will things always be this way. As he gets older and bigger am I still going to be battling the same things with him and his behavior. And it scares me. And I have cried wondering if I will have the strength and energy to do this years from now.
But I have to believe these things are because he is a little boy. I have to believe they will get easier and he will mature. But right now, ya, I have some pretty tough days. So I hear ya my friend!
Happy Mothers day to you!!
Thank you. I hope your mother's day was amazing!!
DeleteI don't want to diminish what you are saying at all, so don't take it that way. I completely u der stand what you're saying. But I will say that there is a huge difference between my daughter who is now 7 and my son who is 5 1/2. They have always been night and day. My daughter could sit and color, do crafts or activities, and my son has always just been a ball of constant energy. He wanders when we go places, he jumps off of things, he was going down the slide on a snow board the other day. My son also has a tic disorder, like Tourette syndrome, and we have talked to a neurologist and the pediatrician about the possibility if him having ADHD. I'm not in any push to diagnose, since I would try everything else before meds. Sometimes it does annoy me when people chalk everything up to "just being a boy", because I think it can be more than that sometimes. But I do know that, in general, boys can be more busy and thrill seeking. Either way, its nothing you are or not doing. For a long time, I didn't let my son do things that my daughter did, like color with markers, because he couldn't handle it. He can now. I still use a cup with a lid m
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hope it gets easier soon. I'm tired. LOL
DeleteMost of the time, because he won't sit still and spills it a lot. There are still things that I can trust my daughter to do that I would never let him do right how, like anything involving paint lol. Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself.
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