Religious Purgatory

It's not like growing up we were so religious. I was exposed to & taught about religion, but I never had hardcore faith in the divine. As I've gotten older I have felt like there HAS to be something bigger. Something of a puppeteer controlling the strings of life. A God. Someone I turn to and ask to guide me. Someone I pray to for a good outcome. "It" can't just end with us (humans).

Now however, I'm not so sure. I feel like so many things in my life is a constant struggle. A constant struggle. It often feels as though we're trying & trying so hard to swim up river. That the universe or powers that be just refuse to cooperate to allow an easy passage. And I have often heard that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. But does handling things have to come at such a consistently high price? Would a God really want to push a person so far that she gives up faith that there is more?

So I've been feeling like I'm in a kind of purgatory. Feeling like I need to believe that there is more, but also feeling almost like there's really not much to believe in.

Dear Kayla: Guest Blogger Flat Samantha

Dear Kayla,

I hope you're winter is going well & that you're having a lot of fun. I know I am. Jennifer & her family are treating me very well. Even though I'm having so much fun, I miss you very much. Jennifer reminds me that I will see you soon and then we're off on another adventure. 

Sean & I have gotten very close. He makes sure I'm involved in everything. I love it!! 

This passed week we went to Jennifer's grandparent's house for a visit. Sean made sure that I didn't feel strange in someone's house I didn't know. It's always so nice to have a friend in a strange place. We played and danced. 

And then..... Meredith & Sean's great grandma taught Meredith & me how to play the piano. It was so much fun. 

I also met Meredith & Sean's great grandpa, but he was feeling a little camera shy that day. 

And today we played on the beach. I've always wondered what it would be like to build sandcastles. And today I got to find out. 

No trip to the beach is complete without being buried in the sand. Right!?

Jennifer said I could even bring some home. Can you believe it? We collected shells too. I can't wait to show them to you. 

After all that fun, I was so hungry. So we went to Nathan's. They have the best lemonade! 

In a couple of weeks, I'm going on a big plane. It'll be so strange to travel to see friends and not be in an envelope. I can't wait to see what the people part of the plane looks like. And I'm going to see a whole new state. I'm going to see North Carolina. Maybe even South Carolina too. Jennifer said I can even help her pack for her big move when we come back home. 

I hope things are good back home. 

Love,

Flat Samantha

Salty Sea Air

It's no secret that I'm in love with salty sea air. So when the opportunity presented itself to goto the beach today, I was so excited to be able to go. I haven't been feeling so great lately. It was just what I needed. 

Being there today gave me a sense of renewal. A last chance to say goodbye to our current life & a chance to say hello to our new life. 

I breathed in the salty sea air and all was right with the world. It didn't matter that Sean had sand in his runny nose or that he fell face first into the sand. It didn't matter that Meredith was covered from head to toe in sand. It didn't matter that I felt like someone rolled over me with a steam roller because no one has slept well in weeks.

We had fun. We enjoyed ourselves with some sun, some surf, a breeze & some shovels. Once again proving that the best things in life are free.

Today was probably the last time we'll be to the beach before we move in March. That statement makes me sad. I'm really going to miss living so close to the beach. In fact, it's probably the one thing I will miss the most.

So I took it all in & made the most of our time on the beach. We saw kites shaped like jellyfish and explored the beach. Meredith learned about muscles & barnacles. She even saw some snails.

I showed my husband that once it's written in sand.... it's forever.

So by the same token......

I am living up to my hopes. I spent today focusing on my family. Making sure they know they're my biggest priority.

Meredith got to act silly & spread her wings making sand angels. Which as anyone who's anyone knows, that's what you do when instead of snow you're without a jacket in January. She got to run around without a care in the world and we got to watch as she spread her little wings & soared.

Sean lived it up in the sand & soaking up as much sun as he could. There's nothing better than watching him figure out how to do things. To watch him play and get excited...... I could do it all day long. 

I got to watch today as Sean showed us that there are things he understands that no one could've guessed. 

"Seany do you see the parachute jump?" "Why yes Mommy. It's right there."

Seriously, he amazes me every single day. 

And to see a genuine curiosity come out at every turn.... it's nothing short of breathtaking. It helps to keep me grounded and remind me that the kids are only little for a short time. 

Salty sea air is just what the doctor ordered. It helped us all to feel better and gave us all exactly what we needed. Even if everyone needed something different. 

So long old friend. We'll meet again soon. 

Hopes for 2012

I hope for myself for 2012.......

I hope I'm able to continue looking at Sean and seeing Sean. Seeing his amazing personality and quirkiness.

I asked him where mommy was. He got excited & looked around the camera. That's my boy.

"Seany.... cheesy grin!!" Yeah right. He turned around. 

I hope I'm able to help Sean show me his way instead of me trying to help him "reach his full potential." He needs me to feed his imagination & show him he's able to reach the stars if HE wants. 

I hope I'm able to focus more on my family so that we can continue to grow closer & happier.

I hope I'm able to remember that Meredith will only be little for a short while. That she is testing herself while she's testing me & that it's healthy. 

Learning to hop on 1 foot 

I hope that I'm able to show Meredith that she's an amazing young lady & that she will shine in everything she does.

I hope I'm able to remember that it takes 5 minutes to sit & listen to make our kids feel like the center of the universe. Because they are and it doesn't matter if I don't have a clue what they're saying or talking about. 

I hope I'm able to show my husband & kids that they mean the world to me. That I wouldn't trade them for anything. EVER!

I hope that for 2012 I'm able to remember that my life is less about the destination and more about the journey.