Playing favorites

I often wonder if I'm playing favorites with my kids. I wonder if I favor Meredith over Sean. I always wonder if it stems from my mother seemingly playing favorites with my sister. Like now I'm over compensating and trying to make sure that Meredith never feels like her little brother gets away with everything or gets everything. It could all very well be in my head too.

Maybe I'm over compensating because Sean has so many things that revolve around him. He gets at least 3 therapists a week to visit him & play with him. He has to goto specialist after specialist (well had to really) and Meredith usually has to tag along.

I'm often left feeling so badly that Meredith's life has to revolve around so many aspects of Sean's life, but Sean's life doesn't usually have to revolve around hers. I have also been trying to simplify our lives.

What does it mean to simplify? Well.... in plain english I have been letting people know that whatever they have going on.... it just simply is not my problem. You're late for our meeting because your dog got sick....? Not my problem. Sitter canceled? Not my issue. Can't find parking? Don't really care. Next time leave enough time to find parking and you won't have that issue.

And I have to tell you.... it may seem pretty cold hearted, but it is making my life simpler because I no longer have to take on the burden of other people's problems. I have enough of my own & I still manage to be places on time and give people concrete dates for meetings, etc. I still manage to be able to call people back.

I have also been attempting to consolidate some of Sean's therapy sessions. I have been met with some opposition. I have heard everything from "Early Intervention won't approve it" to "Well my agency said I shouldn't write the justification". So in no particular fashion very clear terms, I informed everyone involved that if my family's needs, as well as the needs to ensure my sanity, couldn't be met, I would pull him from "that" portion of early intervention & do it privately. I do want Sean to get whatever help he needs, but I also have to ensure that everyone's, including my own, needs are being met.

My feeling is that "you" signed up for the job knowing full well what was involved. Now do your job and quit bellyaching. I also feel as though therapists, coordinators, EIOD's, etc don't value the family's time. I get the feeling that the therapist's feel as though because I stay at home with my children, that  have all the time in the world to be at their beck and call. I don't operate that way. I have a life. Especially since I have more than one kid.

Until now, I have tried to be understanding. I have tried to accommodate schedules because I know how hard it is to achieve a balance that works for everyone. But..... that came at the price of my sanity and Meredith's trust that her needs would be met.

I'm sure for a 2.5 year old, it gets pretty upsetting to constantly hear "We have to leave baby & head home so Seany can have his therapy with (insert therapist's name here)" I'm sure it leaves Meredith with feelings of jealousy & anger that she has to leave so Sean can go home to play. And I'm sure those feelings conflict with her undying love for him.

I know it leaves me with feelings of anger for Meredith and for myself. It leaves me wondering if ti's really all worth it. Is it really worth the constant burden I feel on my shoulders to make sure Sean gets his therapies? Is it worth the constant pressure I feel to keep doing for him? Is it worth the anger & hurt I feel because Meredith seems to be getting short changed in all of this? Is it worth the constant worry that I'm not doing enough follow through of the techniques? Is it really worth the anger I feel when I have to worry about make up sessions and therapists being paid, etc? Is it worth the anger I feel that Rob is hardly a part of this early intervention process? Is it worth the resentment I feel that there is no one that can take Meredith for special trips (lunch, tea, dessert, etc) while Sean has his therapy?

Most days, it's really not worth all that. It's not worth losing the enjoyment I used to have with my kids. Meredith especially. It's simply not worth the look of hurt on a 2 year old's face when she asks to sit on her mommy' lap and her mommy has to say, "no" because she's working with a therapist.

I know it's affecting her immensely because she's started to have some serious separation issues from me. Even worse than she did when she was an infant. And anyone who knows us from then, knows how bad she was. If people even so much as looked at her, she'd scream. Now if I even mention that I'm going somewhere without her, she immediately screams, sobs and nearly makes herself sick. It's really very heartbreaking.

So in the end... am I playing favorites? Probably. Sean needs me just as much as Meredith does, but in a different way. He assumes (rightfully so) I'm always going to be there when he needs me. Meredith needs a lot more reassurance that her mommy will always be there. Meredith relies on that input from me to be there for her. I don't know if it's a true insecurity, but she needs the security of my touch being right there.

I don't know what set this off. I don't know what else I can possibly do to reassure her that I'm always going to be here, but hopefully we can figure it out soon. Hopefully a little R&R will do us all some good.

We're taking a little vacation in the woods. We're going to PA for 2 weeks. We're leaving the guard dogs at home and our wonderful neighbor is taking care of them. I think..... I hope it will allow us to unwind and really get back to ourselves. Really figure out how to be a family of 4 without anyone else's input. Right now we're a disjointed family and it feels off. It feels like there's a kink in the hose. Hopefully with  little fun and a little relaxation under the stars without having to worry about who's going where, who's walking the dogs, etc....., we can find a new us.

When we get back, we'll be looking into therapy centers and trying to figure out if a center is a better fit for us than in home therapies. We'll be looking at more ways to simplify our lives and more ways to stay connected as a family. Maybe we'll start family game night with Candyland and Memory.

Any & all suggestions for fun family activities are welcomed. Activities that will really involve us all.