Loneliness

Lately I have been feeling very lonely. Not lonely in the sense that I have no one to talk to or no one around. Lonely because we're different. Well..... I'm different. I'm the only person in my group of friends that has child with special needs. I didn't notice it much when Sean was a few days old or a couple of weeks old, but now that he's getting older (yeah 4 months is older), it's really starting to show.

I get weepy when I see pictures of my friends' kids doing things Sean should be doing. I get teary when I hear evaluators say that my son is behind with his motor skills. I make myself depressed when I think back to when Meredith was 4 months old and I was holding her up to standing.

Yes Sean will do all of the things Sean is supposed to do in his own time. Just like any other kid. That fact is just not making me feel any better lately. I don't know why I'm so discouraged. I can't help it either.

I decided today that I had to be ready to get out there and meet other parents like me. Parents of kids with down syndrome. I need to feel like I'm not alone. I crave it. I need to know I'm not the only parent who feels this way. I need to know that I'm not the only person who feels like my kid is getting left behind. I need to know I'm not the only mom who feels she can't looks at friend's pictures of their kids.

I'm a part of a message board online for moms of children with down syndrome, but it hasn't helped me much. I can bounce ideas off of these women, but I crave physical eye to eye contact. I need to see with my own eyes that I'm not alone.

So I went to the website ndss.org and there was a phone number to a group in my area. When I called, that group was no longer together. I was crushed. The next closest group was in Manhattan. I sat at my kitchen table with my head in my hands and cried. I just cried. I was finally ready finally made myself call and it wasn't around. I don't know if I ever felt more alone. I truly felt & feel like I'm the only one around here with a child with down syndrome. I know in my head that I'm not, but I hardly ever see anyone around here with down syndrome.

What I did do was to email the woman from the Manhattan group. I didn't know what to say, but I needed to reach out. And I did. She forwarded my email to the group and there are people from Brooklyn. Right now it's very abstract. I feel like the new kid in the class.

I want to scream "I'm just like you. Please play with me", but then again I don't. I don't want to be just like them. I don't want it to be painfully apparent that my child..... My perfect child; maybe isn't so "perfect". I hope this awkward period ends soon. It's pretty painful. I don't remember ever feeling this way before. I just want to get passed the "getting to know you" phase. Not that I want instant bff standing, but a good solid connection would be good.

Wish me luck.