Lately I have been digging myself deeper & deeper into a hole. I have been looking at pictures & watching videos of Meredith from her 1st year. I love looking back at her, but I'm not watching them simply to enjoy them. I'm looking through them to see if my memory is correct about her development. I'm watching the movie to see a glimmer of hope that Sean on track.
Yes. Yes. I know. All kids will develop at their own pace regardless of the number of chromosomes they have. But I am having such a hard time accepting Sean's pace. I was doing alright and I know that pedi says he's doing well. I just can't get a handle on what is Sean's natural personality & what is the down syndrome. I feel a sense of urgent need to know what is Sean and what is the down syndrome. I know that it is all him. Yeah yeah. That's who he is because he has 3 of the 21st chromosome. Whatever. I feel this overwhelming desire to know what he'd be like if he didn't have down syndrome.
I can't seem to make it passed "if he didn't have ds, would he develop more like Meredith did?" I know I shouldn't compare them. I don't know why I can't make it passed that. I feel terribly guilty about it too. But then again.... most of the time I feel guilty for eating iced cream, but I still do that.
I'm tired of therapies. I think the therapies are great for the kids, but only serve as roadblocks to parents' happiness. The therapies only seem to be feeding my doubts about Sean's development. The therapists only see Sean for a very short time every week. And if he doesn't pt on his full showing, they dismiss it. I hate feeling like I need to defend what I know to be true in his development. I hate having to feel like one of those moms that is lying about their kids' development & what they're doing. But that's exactly what I feel like every week when a therapists asks "is he doing this? because I'm not seeing it" And I say, "He is doing that." I mean come on...... they're only here for an hour tops. Maybe in that hour he couldn't care less about showing off.
I'm also having a very hard time understanding why some of the things the therapists feel are "bad", are "bad". It's one more reason I have been watching videos of Meredith. I'm trying to get a sense of whether Meredith did these "bad" things. If she did.... then I can only assume that a lot of folks do. So why is it bad? Did that make sense? I hope so.
I now understand why so many parents don't do the exercises/activities. I now understand why a lot of kids only get the therapy when the therapists come. I do try to incorporate everything we learn into our weekly life. There is no way I can cram it all into a day. So I am for the week.
So as part of where I want to be in the future from my last post, I just want to be more relaxed. I want to be more relaxed about Sean. I want to be more relaxed about therapy. I just need to be able to enjoy Sean for who he is. I don't know how to get there or if I even can get there yet. I need to be able to shrug it off.
For now, I will continue to wallow and continue to torture myself with Meredith's videos. I will look for some glimmer of understanding of who Sean. I will continue to work on ways in which to get out of my development funk. Hopefully one of them will work soon.
You didn't say exactly what the "bad" things are that they are watching for. It's possible that they are also looking for signs that any regression might occur, like if he also had autism. Or they might feel they're bad for other reasons, go ahead and ask them!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad about how much therapy is actually done with him. Giving him a loving environment is the best, and anything beyond is just icing on the cake. Sometimes you feel that you "ought" and "should" do more because you are working with a child that will be working harder than average, and the guilt is shouldn't you? No, you're a good mom. I know because you're worried and concerned. Bad moms wouldn't give a toot. I don't know any parent that has ever done 100% of any special therapies. But we do what we can and try not to beat ourselves up for what we didn't do. Perspective it as being greatful that we have the option of special therapies, but also don't want our child's live to revolve around said therapies and not enjoying the live they have.
Now be careful when comparing the kiddos though. I say this knowing that I constantly compare mine so I'm a hypocrite here. But each child will be special in their own way. You will not love your children equally in every way. And you will always have the curiosity of the what-ifs, but just keep them in check and don't let them control your views of what is.
By the way, if the picture above is of your kids - they're cute! Be proud!
This too shall pass...
ReplyDeleteRemember my worrying a couple of weeks ago? Well, I decided to take a break as well. I come and check out a few blogs but am careful not to compare to others. It is really okay; life I mean. Our boys will be running fools someday! And, Sean seems to be doing awesome from what you show here. You have a lot to be proud of.