Rob & I had some time on our hands with sleeping children so we went through our boxes of preserved memories. Just things of no real importance, but things that we wanted to keep. Every few years it's good to relive those memories, make sure the things we keep still retain their relevance in our lives and just give ourselves a good cleansing.
One of the things we came across was some paperwork about my mother's adoption. Years back I requested some non-identfying information from the agency so that I could have some family history as well as any medical history there was. I've read it all before. Gma was short. Gpa was tall. Both were young and not ready for children. Blah blah blah. Rob & I talked about it and joked that I had this whole other family out there.
But as I read my mother's stats (7lbs 2oz, etc) at birth, I started to cry. I couldn't control it. I was completely overtaken by the rush of emotion. I read that her mother & the woman from the adoption agency had gotten my mother dressed as my mother & her birth mother were discharged from the hospital. And that was pretty much it for me. I couldn't get through the first page without thinking about Sean. I couldn't help, but imagine the days immediately following his birth if we had decided to allow someone else to raise him as their own. I thought about Meredith when she was born and how the only thing I wanted to do was hold her. I wanted both of them to know & feel how much I loved them in an instant.
I can't imagine my life without them. I couldn't imagine being in a hospital, as hormonal as I was after delivery, dressing either of them to go live with someone else. I can't imagine my babies growing up not feeling the love & warmth of my arms around them. The feeling of immense trust & love when they each fell asleep on on my chest, ear to my heart is what made me their mommy and I can't imagine having that & giving it up.
In the moments of reading that information, I also realized that aside from my g-parents (my mother's parents)..... I have no family. I have family that I am related to. Geez.... I have plenty of that, but I don't have "family". No family to have big Sunday dinners with. No family to show up at my door or us at theirs just to have coffee. No one I have a special closeness with that has only grown as I've gotten older. Only folks that have time & time again proven that they are not worth my energy.
I thought I had made my peace with it a long time ago. I thought it didn't bother me anymore. I guess.... I still have my moments when I realize.... it's just me and it makes me sad. Or at least it did that night.
Oh well..... my pity party is over for now. I hugged my babies a little tighter and made sure to let them know that I "wuv" them so much.
This post hits close to home for me as well. My family is large in so many ways, but the family that inhabits my heart is a small amount of people. During this time in my life I'm trying to make my family from the people I choose, Drew, Seth, you guys, other friends who have become close, they are my made family. All of that though, it never helps you feeling that loss, the loss of those who are supposed to be in your life or care. Hugs. Big ones from me because I totally understand.
ReplyDeleteThanks. We are a small, but growing family. You guys are definitely part of that growing family and we're happy you guys are here :)
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