Some of my hopes when we moved down were that there would be families with children the same ages as Meredith & Sean. I hoped we'd like them and that my kids would have more friends than just each other and us. In NY I found that everyone already had their clique or just didn't have time to get together.
I got my wish. We found families with kids Meredith & Sean's ages and Meredith & Sean like the kids. Rob & I like the parents. Win win right?
Wrong. I mean yes it is win win, but it's also win lose. Seeing & being around all the kids around Sean's age had made me painfully aware of just how immature he really is. By all specialized testing, Sean is right where he "should" be in all areas except gross motor skills (standing, walking). Yay! Let's celebrate!!
Yes he's in the dog crate
Only all I wanna do is take him home, lock the doors and wait for him to get "there". I hate watching other kids his age running, sitting at picnic tables, understanding, climbing, etc while he sits in the stroller during an activity like dying easter eggs at the picnic table. It hurts me for him.
In September he starts school with these same age peers and I constantly wonder whether he'll mature a lot between now & then. Will he be able to walk by then? How about run? Will he be able to sit in a chair & understand that he cannot kamikaze out of it head first? I'm sure that the teachers will not appreciate that much. Will he be able to understand "come to circle time"?
How much less mature (in general) will he be in September? Is there any chance that he'll even remotely catch up? Yes. I know that being around his same age typical peers will be good for him. He'll be motivated to achieve more because of them and they'll grow up only knowing Sean. Not "ew who's the special kid?" I'm so happy for Sean to have friends, but I wish he was able to interact with them more on their level.
I've learned how to put my big girl panties on & suck it up, but on days like today I just have to walk away before it all gets to be to much for me. I don't like to talk about it much because who wants to bring the party down? And really.... I don't want mine or my family's life to be about down syndrome. I want it to be about life. I love my son more than life itself, but some days it's harder to face that we are in fact different. That we have a different un-hideable (yes that's a word) dynamic.
Sean is doing well and for that I'm grateful. It's just much easier to live in denial when he's the only little one around. It would probably be easier if I wasn't the only one in this group in my situation, I haven't found anyone willing to bridge the gap with me yet. Maybe one day soon that will change.
Until then.... get over it and move on. Right? Right!?
I would say no, not right. You can't get over it because it's going to happen again tomorrow. And the next day.
ReplyDeleteI remember that knot in my stomach. That desire to run and hide. I expect we all, all of us who have children with special needs, feel this same way.
You're handling it in such a healthy way. Writing, expressing the hurt, the pain, the confusion about it all. I can tell you it does get better. I think you'll always look out at all the kids and 'wish' but the pain, the desire to run and hide will go away.
It does get better.
I don't know when any of my closest friends started walking or talking. And I've never seen kids choose their playmates on a playground based on who scored what on the last spelling test. Moms are the only ones taking notes and making comparisons right now. Sean's got enough confidence and charisma to surround himself with loads of happy...as he defines it. It's only natural to wish he was keeping up on the mom end of things, but Sean and the littles around him aren't scorekeepers. It's nothing to "get over"...just something to realize you hold yourself above. You're doing great...and so is Sean. You're all stars in our book.
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