Here I sit at my dining room table. I'm wondering whether it's "you" I need to be writing this letter. Maybe it should be God. Maybe it should just be addressed to myself. No. No. That can't be right.
I am sitting here feeling like the powers that be are not on my side. There is one thing on this earth I keep asking for. One thing that I work hard to help Sean achieve. It's for my son to WANT to stand on his own. I want him to WANT to walk.
I know he can. I know he knows what to do. Why oh why can't it click for him? Why is he so content to hop on his butt? And for the love of all that is holy..... why must everything, this skill included, be his idea?
I know. I know. He's gonna do it when he's ready to. Just like everything else. I am trying to let go. I'm trying to accept that this is where he's at, but it's so hard to know he CAN and just WON'T. It's beyond frustrating. It's hard to be on the verge of 2 years old and have this be where we're at. It weighs on my mind and it hurts. It's hard to hear Meredith ask why her little brother isn't walking like her friends little brothers & sisters. It hurts to have to tell her that he will and not have an answer when she asks when.
I have tried everything our various therapists and friends have told us to try. I have tried to break it down into ever smaller steps.
But.... unless it's his idea... it's all for nought. I'm about ready to throw my hands in the air & give up.
Anyway.... here I am universe. Begging. Pleading. Asking for my son to do it. To just stand up and/or walk. Give me something. Something to hang onto to make my efforts feel like they're worth it. To help me feel like I should keep working. To help me feel like it's not for nothing.
Yours truly,
One very discouraged mommy
Awww I hear you sister!!! It's my daily prayer!!
ReplyDeleteI have been there, too. And it seems that just when I do finally decide to give up, Levi will do something I've been waiting for him to do. I am going to tell you what I always needed someone to tell me when I had those days...IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Hang in there and remember, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
ReplyDeleteWe're in the same place. Up until about 2 weeks ago, Kamdyn would fight us to stand and wasn't even taking steps while assisted. One morning, she woke up and let us hold her hands while she takes steps. Hooray! Now, for PT, we go outside and take a walk down the sidewalk, and she loves it. Go figure after all of the fighting tooth and nail she did. I have no idea what clicked, but it definitely had to be HER idea.
ReplyDeleteI have sat in your shoes when waiting for Kristen to do certain skills. Just when I am ready to throw in the towel, she decides she will do it. Yes, their own terms, but I think you are closer than you think. :)
ReplyDeleteI remember this feeling well...And all the "He will do it when he is ready" comments were not very comforting and never took the ache I felt in my heart away.
ReplyDeleteRussell was pretty stubborn when it came to all things physical...He could do them, but wouldn't...And all the Therapy in the world wasn't going to make it happen any sooner...He had to decide he wanted to.
So hang in there friend, it's coming. And I agree with Becky, I think it's closer than you think.
Addison refused to take off until we got her orthotics. Now she runs everywhere! Turns out her ankles were too weak to do the walking thing. The orthotics make all the difference in the world. And patience. (-: But I wish someone would have told me about the orthotics 9 months before they did.
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