Today I'm sad

Today  I'm sad. I'm sad that Sean has down syndrome. I don't know why it has suddenly hit me again. Some days I see nothing in him, but a rambunctious little boy. Other days all I see are other kids running circles around him. Still others all I see is down syndrome and nothing else in his face. Nothing else in his personality.

I watch his hands. His mannerisms. His stubbornness opinionated nature. I watch his smile. I watch him navigate his world. I see how he reacts to his surroundings and relates in a very boyish way.

But there are struggles. And some days I shrug it off and days like today I cry to myself. Not because it's so hard to raise a kid with down syndrome. It's not. I cry because I'm tired of the struggles. I'm tired of knowing that just about everything is at the very least a little bit harder for him.

Today I am angry that my child has down syndrome. I am angry that down syndrome has essentially robbed me of my parental confidence. It has robbed me of my parental innocence to assume Sean understands his world. It has robbed Sean of a care free mom who would have been able to just assume that Sean would be able to do things.

I am angry that down syndrome has frustrated me more than I care to admit. I'm angry that it still makes me angry at times.

I couldn't love Sean more. His eyes couldn't sparkle enough in my eyes. His quirky personality.... Ok he could be a little less silly, but then he wouldn't be as funny. And really everyone loves a funny guy.

And those reasons, along with many more, are the reasons being angry at down syndrome makes me even more angry about it. It's part of who he is. Down syndrome has opened my mind and heart more than anything else in my life. Because of it, I am more acutely aware of the little things that make life worth living. I've been taught to slow down & take it all in.

What's so bad about that? Isn't that what so many people strive for? To slow down? I just wish it wasn't everything. I wish that we could have just a few things that moved a little quicker than snail's pace. A little variety.

Ok vent over. Back to my regularly scheduled broadcasting of life as we know it. :) Complete with skipping steps on the way to perfection.