Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day. Meredith gave her daddy the card she had made for him and then we picked up the bagels. I can't even begin to describe the smell of freshly baked & still warm bagels. It is a truly heavenly smell.



We invited Rob's family over for brunch. We decided cooking really wasn't an option for me so we asked everyone to bring something. We supplied the bagels and spreads. Renee brought more spreads, lox & whitefish. Freddy & Kelley brought coffee. No morning is complete without coffee. I have to say that this is the way to host. Minimal clean up, very relaxed and I didn't break my ass making sure things were cooked in time.

Meredith was thrilled to see her cousins, Hailey & Hannah. Meredith adores them. We sat, ate, chatted and the kids nibbled. Meredith was more interested in playing with the girls & the girls were more interested in playing with their very own living doll. Oh and the doggies. Because really.... who doesn't like a cute doggy?










After everyone left, Meredith took her nap and we got our cable box fixed. After Meredith woke up we decided to head down to the bay and had ice cream. Even though it was hot as Hades outside, we still enjoyed a nice ice cream cone. It doesn't hurt that I got some cute pictures of Meredith & her daddy. She even managed not to get any ice cream on her pretty dress. That made mommy even happier.
























We met a little boy, Tommy, who was 23 months old. It was very clear to me that Meredith spoke so many more words than he did. Obviously I would never point something like that out, but it was very obvious to me. I started to wonder how I would feel when Sean came into contact with children his own age to play. Would it be glaringly evident that he was slower? Obviously it didn't matter whether Tommy was slower, more advanced or what. Meredith played with him and he played with her. Then he got to close to her puppies & she screamed at him. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all be that way? Just not care whether someone has more, does more, is purple, green or yellow. Not give a damn whether they were a boy or girl, just as long as they didn't move in on your puppies.

Then we made a pit stop & came home for dinner. All in all I'd say it was a good Father's Day.

Father's Day Fun Today

It was all about daddy day at story time this morning. It was nice that Rob got to join us. I'm sure he enjoyed it to.






After story time we headed home for a nap, but Meredith wasn't interested in napping. We tried to goto Coney Island, but it was madness there. Someone in the planning office wasn't thinking when he approved the Mermaid Parade, a marathon and opening day to the Cyclones. We made a u-turn and headed to L&B for pizza & italian ices. A couple of friends met us there with their kids & Meredith enjoyed playing with them.



We came home, Rob's cousin Eddie came to visit us and that's when the fun began. My plan was to make father's day cards today. I opened one of the boxes we used for moving so Meredith could finger paint and we didn't have to worry about it getting all over the floors. Meredith so loves finger..... body..... painting. Isn't that the ultimate artistic expression? To just get naked & roll around in some paint.





















After we were done, she got in the shower to wash off the paints. Thank goodness the paints are washable. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't.

Tomorrow we're having some family over for brunch. There is nothing like having people over to force you to clean up & find homes for everything that has been out.

New things & new thoughts

Most of Meredith's new furniture came. The crib & dresser came & rob was able to put it together. She's been sleeping in it for a couple of nights. We're just waiting for the armoire. Unfortunately for us, she hasn't been staying in her own bed at night. She usually ends up in our bed. Which is going to have to end. I like having my room in bed. I hate having someone touch me all night long. Rob hates that I like to sleep that way, but what are ya going to do? 

Since her new furniture came, we were able to move the cherry furniture into Sean's room. I even put his bedding into the crib. Ya know what that means? He has a bed he won't sleep in until I evict him from my room a few months after he is born. I can't wait to decorate it. I'm cutting out the animals from the wall border we ordered to match his bedding. It looked a little.... well... flat before. Everyone expects the border. I think I'll have some of the animals pop out of various places in his room.  

Sean is almost here!! Can you believe it? 

I have been forced to face some of my own prejudices. I have been forced to face some things that have always evoked intense emotions for me. For instance, there is a man who stands on 67th Street & 7th Avenue. I believe he has cerebal palsy. He is amazingly sweet and amazingly bright. He is out on that corner day in & day out selling candy by the side of the road. And every time we pass him, we buy $5 worth of candy (because hey.... candy is candy) and we give him whatever we have & tell him to keep the change. I cry hysterically just thinking about him. He doesn't use his physical limitations as crutch that prevents him from working. He doesn't let his perceived limitations stop him from getting out there. It doesn't matter if it's raining, sunny, hot or cold. He gets out there. He pushes through. I can only hope and pray that Sean has that much pride, dedication & determination. Quite frankly I can only hope & pray that either of my children have that much pride, dedication & determination to be productive citizens. 

I had never been forced to face my emotions about this man before. I was always able to drive away knowing that I had helped him earn a day's living. I can't drive away anymore. I am forced to look at, learn about and love a person that has special needs and physical limitations. I am forced to hope & pray that my son takes pride in everything he does & pushes on. I am forced to make sure that happens. 

I also think about friends of ours that work with many special needs children and adults. Until recently I wondered how they were able to do it. I cry just at the thought of it. Not because I feel there is something wrong with it, but just the sheer wanting  for them to be "normal". My non-comprehension and ignorance as to how these people felt, thought, etc. left me & continues to leave me with intense emotions that I can't name. Will Sean be able to tell me how he thinks? Will he be able to tell me how he operates? Will he be able to recognize these things to be able to tell me? How can he compare? To him, how he lives & thinks will be the norm. He won't really know there's a difference will he? 

I know that I'm happy these children & adults are well taken care of (at least the people my friends help) and being productive. They are doing what they're able to and they don't seem to question why they can't do something. They try. They always try to do whatever it is they want to do. 

I've also started to think about the fact that most children with special needs don't try to be something they're not. I felt such relief the other day when watching some teenage boys walking down the block, when I thought about how Sean will more than likely never feel the need to fit in by wearing his shorts/pants below his tushy. Can someone seriously explain this trend to me? 

Then a woman (?) walked by wearing something a) i wish I had the body to wear and b) if I wore it I wouldn't have been insulted if someone mistook me for a street walker. And I thought "Oh my goodness. My little girl may one day find that appealing or cool in some sort of way & try to go out looking like that." I started to feel really badly about the fact that I had that kind of prejudice, but then I got over it. 

Raising a little girl is the easy part. Raising a teenage girl is going to be hard. Does anyone know how long I can keep my baby a little girl? Anyone have any secrets to making sure she actually hears the words I speak to her about treating herself well and making sure everyone else does as well? 

I guess I will just have to hope that my influence over her is greater than that of everyone else. I'm also going to have to hope that when she's old enough to reason through her decisions, she makes the right choices. 

I will have to hope the same for Sean. Although I worry less about him in that regard. 

Helping, Spare Ribs & Brownies

That's what Meredith did with her afternoon & evening. First Meredith helped her daddy move the pieces to her new crib. I can't wait to see it all together and have the other crib in Sean's room.






We had chinese for dinner tonight. I wasn't in the mood to cook anything and pizza was out. So chinese it was. Meredith had herself a spare rib. It started with me cutting it into pieces for her, but she wanted to be like mommy & daddy. She wanted to eat it off the bone & hold it. How could I say no to that? She had a couple of bites off the bone and went back to the pieces.



Then it was brownie time. Brownies always put a smile on my face. And miraculously enough, Rob didn't eat more peanut butter fudge than was needed for the brownies. I put Meredith's apron on and off we went.







Meredith and I poured the dry mix into the bowl & then she helped me add the rest of the ingredients. She helped me stir the ingredients together. She really is the best assistant ever.















Of course when it came time to cut up the fudge, Meredith had to try a piece. She had to make sure it wasn't poison right? When we looked at her, she looked like the cat who ate the canary.









That really is the best fudge ever. It's the fudge I froze from Bushkill Falls, PA.






After we poured the batter into the pan, it was time for the best part. Licking the spoon of course. This is something I have had to let M do without snickering that I have to share my goodies. Humpf. Kids...... They act like they're the only ones who enjoy licking the bowl.









It's now out of the oven & I'm waiting for Meredith to goto bed before I indulge in some of the brownies.  Anyone know how to tire a toddler out quickly that doesn't involve also tiring me out?

A month left to go

Today we went to my OB appointment. All went well. I'm not going to deliver any minute. Today Sean was high, but you never know with him. Some days he's high up. Some days way down low.

I have only gained a pound in two weeks. The stairs to the new place are paying off because lord knows I eat everything in sight.

Everything else looked good. Sean's heartbeat was normal. He's in the right position. I go back to see the OB in 2 weeks. Next week I have to go for another fetal echo, growth ultrasound, non-stress test and we're taking a tour of the nicu.

I can't believe I only have another month until my due date. That is just insane to me. Today I have been thinking about how I spent most of this pregnancy ambivalent & apprehensive about having another baby. Then I thought about the days immediately following us receiving the diagnoses. I can't believe how far I have come in accepting what Sean has and falling mostly in love with Sean.

Yes I have accepted what Sean has, but I have nowhere near accepted the daunting tasks that lay ahead of us. I haven't been able to fully grasp all of the things that will be involved in raising Sean. And while I have fully invested my emotions with Sean, I mostly love him. There is still a piece of me that is holding back and I couldn't tell you why. I'm excited to have a newborn around again. I'm excited to figure out the placement of his furniture. I'm excited to watch Meredith play with him & nurture him. There is just something that I can't place my finger on that is holding me back.

It's actually quite annoying that I'm unable to place what it is that's holding me back. For the most part we have received nothing, but support from our nearest & dearest. I have come to terms that my life will never be the same. Not that it would've been had Sean been a typical baby. I have come to terms that Meredith will probably resent having to share her mommy & daddy. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to handle that, but that's a different story.

And while I love the idea of this little tiny baby, I guess I don't love all that's going to be involved. I'm not at all prepared, nor do I know how to prepare, for all of the therapies, doctors' appointments, etc. that we face. I haven't figured out how to prepare for a life of unknowns. That means that I also don't know how to help Rob prepare or how to prepare Meredith. As the chief of my indians, doesn't it fall on me to be able to help them? I should be able to help them navigate through the rough waters ahead, but I can't.

Sometimes that makes me feel quite inadequate. Other times I wonder how I can expect to be able to help them. It's not like this is anything I have ever faced before.

I fully believe that this, like anything else, is going to be one day at a time, but I can't help and think about the future. I can't help, but wonder how I'm going to be able to help them cope. How I'm going to help myself cope.

Common themes

This morning Meredith & I headed in Manhattan to have lunch with my grandma and then to see Rob at work. We took the train into the city. Meredith LOOOOOOOVVVVEEEESSS trains. We waited on the platform & watched as the train pulled into our station. And then we sat. I don't think Meredith knew what to make of the train. She has been on the train before, but now that she's more aware of things and can vocalize what she's thinking, it's a whole new ballgame. It was also the first time we had taken the train without a stroller. This is a big milestone for both of us.









She sat in her own seat like such a big girl She watched the people on the train & copied what they did. Like grabbing the pole. She watched me to see whether it's ok to say "hi" to the strangers. I had her harness/leash on her so she couldn't wander to far, but she didn't wander anyway.






We got to my grandparents' house and Meredith was very shy. It's amazing to see two very different people try to interact with the same little girl. It's also amazing to me to see one little girl react so differently to two different people. My grandparents both had their ways of greeting Meredith and Meredith had her ways of communicating with both of them. She studied both of them very hard. She read them. It's intriguing to me to watch her study people. She feels them out first to see how to make her connection to them. She doesn't make the same connection with everyone. Some children are just outgoing and will talk, laugh & smile at anyone and everyone. Not my child. She looks for the one or two things you have in common & she builds off of that.

Great-grandma showed her the piano. Meredith loved that she could make noise.....er...... music... with her fingers. She has such a gentle touch. I showed her the different pitches each side of the keys made. I remember sitting at the very piano when I was a kid making "music". I had no idea what I was doing, but it didn't matter. I was doing it. Meredith must've felt the same way. Everyone has always said what long fingers she has. That she would be a pianist. Maybe that's true. Maybe she'll learn how to express herself through music. Wouldn't that be wonderful?



We went to lunch with my grandma. Grandpa was staying home to make appointments. He was missed, but we understand. As we walked, we met a friend of my grandmother's. She was very nice and told me that she reads my blog and that sometimes it's very engrossing. I didn't know how to react.

It's not that I didn't think people would read it. It was just that I had, for the first time, been confronted with the fact that a lot of people know way more about me than I know about them. I guess I had never given much thought to the fact that the internet is not private. Not because I thought it was. I didn't. I just never gave it much thought. I'm glad though. I'm glad people know about me and us. I'm glad people know about our journey. Our struggles. Our joys.

As we walked the streets of Manhattan to our destination, my grandmother bent over & picked a flower for Meredith. Meredith was thrilled. As we all know, she loves flowers. She studied it. She walked with her great grandma to our lunch spot and great grandma picked her another flower.









As we waited for our food to be ready, Meredith & great grandma played "football" with the flowers. Meredith laughed with such delight. It was very nice.



As my grandmother & I talked, one common theme kept coming up. It was that Sean will only teach those around him new things if they want to learn them. And that's true of anything. Sean is a gift regardless of his challenges and we'll all be surprised by the joy he brings to our lives. He'll be an amazing person in his own right.

As he grows up and I live my life through their eyes together, I'll see a whole new world than the one I see now. It will be a strange world. It will be unlike anything I have ever seen before.

Another common theme I hear from parents of special needs children is that this is the worst thing to have happened to them. Not because their kids' conditions are so horrendous, but because it's so time consuming. Until recently I hadn't realized what a constant uphill battle we'd be fighting for Sean. I didn't think that someday the battle would just magically disappear. I guess I just thought that at some point we'd get a break.

As my grandma & I talked some more, my grandmother mentioned publishing my story. I told her that I wasn't ready to be that advocate. But I guess I already am. I am Sean's advocate. I made the decision to be his advocate the very same moment I decided that placing Sean for adoption wasn't the right choice for me. I became that advocate when I made the choice to shield my children from the negativity & ignorance that they will face for as long as possible. Well..... just long enough for them to build their own feelings & thoughts about Down's Syndrome. After that I will hopefully be able to teach them that they have the ability to roll their eyes & walk away.

I am an advocate. But I'm not ready to be such a public advocate. I do welcome any and all thoughts & comments about our journey. I am glad to know that our story has touched so many different people in so many different ways.

I'm always happy to hear that as we have opened our hearts & minds, it has allowed others to open theirs.

We ended our day with a trip to Rob's office. Meredith had been waiting very patiently to see her daddy at work. We said hello to some people & then it was time to get back on the train to come home. So we watched the trains come & go as we waited for ours. Meredith stuck her nose out into the wind as the trains came into the tunnel & watched as the trains pulled out of the station. Then she ended her day in a most NYC fashion. She fell asleep on someone else on the subway for her commute home. At least she was asleep on people she knew & who love her very much.