Where were you.......

Where were you during the blizzards of 2010? There were 2 blizzards this year. One in February & then the one on 12/26. I was in two very different places physically, spiritually and mentally.

In February we had just moved into what we thought was a great apartment in Rockaway. We were a block from the beach (my fave place), I was pregnant with Sean and was blissfully unaware of any issues Sean may have. Meredith was really developing into quite the little girl. She was settling into her new space with the ease of a toddler. She showed us just how resilient she was and showed me that all I worried about with moving her yet again was for naught.

I was also very resentful. I was angry that I was moving us into the apartment alone, moving things around, unpacking, etc. Rob was working non-stop and we hardly saw him. I was angry that it seemed like I was a single mom even though we were happily married.

Right after the "snurricane", I started to find out just what kind of mess we had moved into. I was starting to find out that the troll that lived in the apartment under us was just that. A troll. A miserable troll. I was starting to learn just how trusting my husband was and how much he would be hurt when he realized that people weren't all they were cracked up to be.

I started to realize all of that on the beach while we let Meredith and our dogs run on the beach with our then landlord & Rob's childhood friend, "D".



While D spoke to us & told us what the troll was saying to him I started to realize that he was quite the gossip queen. I knew right then & there that it was either the troll or us. There would be no way we'd all be able to live happily ever after. I realized just how miserable she was & how jealous she was. And I started to realize that we'd always be playing defense in this situation.

We tried & tried as hard as we could to keep the landlord/tenant relationship separate from Rob's friendship with "D", but it wasn't possible. Unfortunately for Rob, "D" was just not the right type of guy for that.

During this blizzard, I'm reminded that all that we have been through has led us to this place. It's no longer a place of limbo. It's no longer a place of fear. We're not in a place of constant tension. While we were snowed in I was reminded that by leaving Rockaway & leaving the troll & the gossip queen behind we were freed. This year we weren't trying to sneak out of the building for fear of whether the troll would complain about the dogs or Meredith playing or crying. Rob happily dug a path from the front door to the street. Ya know why? Because our neighbors/landlord are great people. They love us, the kids & love the dogs. As we were snowed in and Meredith got stir crazy. She started to run around like a caged tiger. And ya know what I did? I enjoyed it and we played. Ya know why? Because our neighbors love her and don't care that she's running around. They don't complain that our kids cry or scream. They don't worry about the dogs running back & forth during the day. This blizzard was an eye opener. We really are free. It doesn't matter that it took a lot of heart ache and money to get here. We got here. Our landlord's actually care who lives in their house.

I realized that it wasn't us. It wasn't us that set that crazy bitch off. We were not the problem. I realized that a few weeks ago when my landlord rang my bell to remind me that I hadn't moved my car for alternate side parking. I grabbed my keys, ready to move my car when he offered to move it for me. Well... huh. Then he said he didn't know if he'd be back in time to move it back. Well... there ya go. We're not doing anything differently than we did in Rockaway. It must not have been us.

Yesterday as our neighbor shoveled & snowblew the snow, I stuck my head out the window & joked with him. It was nice to be neighborly. It's nice to know there is a place to knock on the door to ask for a cup of sugar.

It was nice to know it wasn't us. It was even more freeing to know it wasn't us. It helped me to shed the last little bit of anger, resentment and fear I felt from the experience of Rockaway. Until these two incidences, I feared that our neighbors & landlord felt about us the same way the gossip queen & the troll did. I feared it really was us. I no longer feel that way. I feel like the last bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

As we approach the new year I'm hopeful that things will only get better for us.