I have learned.........

I learned the true meaning of unconditional love. I have always loved Meredith unconditionally, but she wasn't "flawed". She was easy to love. I had no idea whether or not I could love Sean. I didn't know whether or not I'd be able to look at him & just see Sean. I didn't know whether or not I would only see down syndrome. When he arrived, none of it mattered. His arrival showed me the true meaning of unconditional love. Not only did I love him, it was easy. And I did it in spite of his "flaws" because they  make it easy.

I learned the true meaning of fear. When Sean went into surgery I was afraid for his life. I was fearful that he would never come home to me. I was afraid that Meredith would be completely traumatized by not having Rob & I home. I feared Meredith would resent us and more importantly, resent Sean forever. I feared that I wouldn't be able to handle the stress that comes with raising two kids under 2 years old. I feared I wouldn't be able to cope with raising a child with special needs. Even though his needs aren't so special yet, outside of the heart surgery.

I learned just how strong our marriage is. I feared that my marriage wouldn't be strong enough to handle all of the stress of 2 kids, a surgery, 2 dogs, therapies, moving and all of the things that go along with life. Not only did we survive, but we have grown stronger together.

I have learned that I don't possess strength. Strength possesses me. Like a little pump, it knows just how much I need for any given task that way I don't walk around looking like Rosie the Riveter all the time. 

I have also learned that it takes just as much strength to raise a child with Down syndrome and make it through open heart surgery with no major breakdowns as it does to kiss a 2 year old's scraped knee and promise her it will be ok. 

I learned what it means to be busy. Truly, truly busy. Some days my calendar reads like an NFL play book.

I learned more about Down Syndrome than I ever thought I'd need to. Obviously for a good reason. I now know more than any person should and can probably host seminars to educate others.

I relearned how to lean on my husband. He's my rock. Thank you my love!

I learned how to live. I recognized that I was spending to much time being a mother/teacher that I wasn't spending enough time living the moments with Meredith and now Sean. I learned how to breathe in the freshness of my kids and see the world for the 1st time all over again through them.

I learned how to just walk away and not feel guilty about it. I recognized that I couldn't make anyone else's problems my own or else their problems would consume me. I also learned not to feel guilty for my feelings.

I learned that with each new experience I am the same, but I am different.

I have learned how to be accepting of just about anything. My life has been put into perspective that a lot of things don't matter at all or as much as they once did.

I have learned how to be an assertive fighter. I have learned how to fight for my children in a way that helps instead of makes me look crazy. Although... I do have psycho mom waiting in the wings just in case. My kids will get what they need!

I have learned just how vain I really was and still am. I was scared of what Sean would look like when he was born because of my preconceived notion of what Down Syndrome looked like. I'm still pretty nervous..... no that's not the right word.... curious (yep that's it) about what he'll look like when he's older. I'm concerned about how Meredith will see her brother as they grow up.

I learned to be open. In starting & continuing with this blog I have learned to be open with people. I have learned that it clears the soul and I'm able to let things go because I have somewhere to work them out. I have also learned that by being open, I allow others to be open. I give others someone & something to relate to.

I have learned how to teach my kids in a way they will gain the most from and those ways are very different for each of them.

I have learned that my true friends don't have to live nearby to be close friends. Love you guys!

I have learned that patience is a virtue that I just don't possess and have had to learn how to work around it.

I have learned that my life will forever be constantly evolving and that I can't control everything. I can only control how I react.

Here's to you 2010. Thank you for opening my eyes to wonders I never imagined possible. And welcome to 2011. I am hopeful that this year will be just as exciting as the last and that I will continue to learn & evolve into a better person, wife and mother.