What can you see?

Some days all I see is that my son has down syndrome. He has the "look". I always wonder if I only see it because I know he has it or not. Then there are some ays when I can't see it at all.

I also wonder if because I'm his mother I'm looking for things that aren't there. Does he really look like me? Does that mean I look like I have down syndrome? And why does that carry a negative connotation? Does he look like Meredith? Does Meredith look like she has something different about her too? Will Meredith wonder if there is something wrong with her if people say Sean looks like her? I realize none of these questions will ever have answers, but it doesn't stop me from wondering them.

I'm also worried that I'm not doing enough for Sean. I feel like I should be doing more to prevent him from falling behind an average child. But in all honesty I don't know what else I can do. Everyone keeps saying to just treat him like any other newborn. And when meredith was a newborn & infant, I wondered what else I could be doing to help prevent her from falling behind too. So I guess I'm right on track with treating him the same as any other infant.

I don't know what kind of toys he likes. I don't know what kind of music he likes. I don't know how to engage him more. I don't know what works. I feel like I spend most of my time with him either feeding him or trying to get him to sleep. Obviously I do other things as well, but most of our time is spent doing those things. Or he's in the lillebaby being worn while I do other things with Meredith. And I know that infants take it all in because everything is new to them, but at what point am I not doing enough?

Sean has started to track objects though. This is one thing I was really worried about. Now we have to work on smiling consistently. I know he does smile sometimes, but I'm really looking to know that he's happy. I'm dying to know that he's engaged by me and likes me. I know he's still very new & he's not like other kids. He's Sean. I'm having a really hard time with that. I don't know what's just normal infant stuff & what's not.

I'm also having a really hard time helping Meredith to do things & activities. She watches entirely to much tv. She doesn't complain, but I can tell she's bored. Granted the last few weeks we haven't been able to do things because one or both of them has been sick, but still. It's also hard to leave Sean at home & take Meredith somewhere. I have such an great amount of mommy guilt. Will Sean see pictures of Meredith doing things & wonder why he wasn't there? Is it good for me to leave Sean when we're still trying to establish a good nursing relationship? I don't want him to take to many bottles during the day unless truly necessary. I want him to nurse seamlessly and I feel like the more bottles he gets, the less seamless nursing is going to be. I feel guilty for leaving Sean with Rob because then Rob can't enjoy things with us. Or if Rob takes Meredith somewhere I feel jealous because I'm not there with them.

I have to find a new balance. I have to get over my tremendous guilt. I will find a way. I will get through this chapter.