When I drive in my car alone I expect to be able to do certain things. It doesn't matter that I'm in the car on my way to run an errand. It doesn't matter whether I'm on my way to do something for our family. Whatever my obligation or my destination, when I'm in my car ALONE I expect to be able to turn the music up loud, sing at the top of my lungs with the windows down. I fully expect to cruise down the highway at speeds only meant for sports cars (even though I'm driving a Blazer) and I fully expect that if anyone ever said anything about it, they'd fully expect to get slapped. I don't get to be in the car alone with the freedom of the open road ahead of me that often.
What I don't expect is to be overcome with guilt & fear. I don't expect to be driving down Stillwell Avenue listening to "Clocks" by Coldplay........ Which by the way might very well be the best song to drive to. Anyway I don't expect to be driving along listening to "Clocks" and start to cry. I certainly don't expect to be suddenly unable to control those tears. My guilt & fear run deep. I feel so much guilt because I wasn't able to build Sean's heart correctly. My very own petri dish failed not only me, but also him. I'm having a very hard time forgiving my body.
My fear runs deeper. I am so scared that my baby will not survive the surgery that has a 98% survival rate. I'm scared to death that instead of celebrating his coming home, I'll be planning a funeral. How would I go on if something happens to my sweet angel? How would I ever forgive myself or my body for failing him in the first place? How could Rob ever look me in the eye again knowing it was me that failed him? How could I explain to Meredith that her baby brother, who she loves with every ounce of her being, is gone?
I am so unable to keep it together lately that I find myself sobbing at the drop of a dime. I can't even adequately express the amount of pure intense emotion I feel every second of every single day lately.
Tomorrow is Sean's pre-op testing. I'm so afraid of the pure terror my son is going to feel tomorrow. He is going to through things he's never been through. He's going to be poked at and turned over & around and everything else and have no idea why his mommy isn't helping him or protecting him. How do I explain to a 2 month old that it's for his own good? I can't. And I have no faith that he's ever going to trust me again after tomorrow.
I will update tomorrow night or Friday with the results of tomorrows testing and the test of my faith and Sean's trust.
*warning: this may have spelling errors, I'm typing through tears and can't really see.
ReplyDeleteyou did NOT fail Sean, not even a tiny bit. You are an amazing mom and you are doing EVERYthing you can to hlep him. by you allowing the surgery, you are ensuring that you will not fail him and that you are there for him every single step of the way. He will come out of this surgery and he will always trust you. You are his mommy, his wonderful, caring, amazing mommy. YOU are not the one poking him, you will be the one soothing him. lots of love your way, dear friend. xoxox
hang in there momma, you are doing an amazing job. You have not failed Sean at all. lots of love and prayers heading your way.
ReplyDeleteI really want to give you a big, huge hug. You are not failing him. You are his AMAZING mother who is doing everything you need to FOR him. Do not ever doubt yourself. He will trust you forever, you are doing what you need to do. Big hugs. And I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, tears are streaming down my cheeks as I read your post tonight. You are an absolutely amazing mommy to both Sean and Meredith and I hope you never doubt that. You did not fail Sean, you're helping him get better. He knows how much you love him and will always trust you. Hang in there, you're incredibly strong, and you will come out of this even stronger.
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