Patience......

... is a virtue I have never had. I always wanted to be a patient parent, but life is proving to be just the thing that puts me over the edge. I enjoy my children. I love just about everything about them. I could live without the poopy diapers and toddler tude, but..... it comes with the package.

Today I had a not so pretty mommy moment. There is no excuse for it, but it happened. Meredith was being delirious from having not napped and swung her head back. She hit me in the cheek bone so hard I saw stars. My reflexes took over & I smacked her in the back of the head. I immediately felt badly for what had happened, but I couldn't take it back. No one said anything about it and thank goodness. At that moment..... lord only knows......

Anywho, it has given me a great perspective on where I am at this moment in my life. I am emotionally exhausted. I am wound up so tight that my own daughter should fear me. That should never be. Thankfully she doesn't fear me and I would never...... hmmmmmmmm.... I want to say intentionally hurt her, but given today's action....... I would never want to do anything to break our bond. I pray I haven't done that.

Today's action reaction has shown me that I really need to walk away for a little while. I need to not be so involved in so much. I need to disconnect from my phone, my laptop, my kids, my husband, etc and just go for a walk. Unfortunately for me that never gets to happen, but......  I need space to breathe. I need time to sort it all out. I have been running on empty for so long that my reflexes and not my reasoning have taken over.

What stinks is that every time I try to disconnect, someone tells me why I NEED to be connected. "You need a cell phone just in case something happens." "You shouldn't totally disconnect because that's not healthy either." And quite frankly, I just have no patience to argue.

What did people do before cell phones, laptops, etc? What did people do when they needed to escape for a little while? I mean really...... Calgon can only take you so far.

It was my own fault too. She was tired and needed a nap. I shouldn't have taken Rob's aunt on the offer to buy some things for Sean. I should have just returned what I needed to return, gotten the diapers & left. I shouldn't have gone out to lunch. I should've just gone straight home and had hot dogs for lunch. I knew better. But I wanted to allow Rob's aunt to get some things for Sean. She wanted to get them & we are grateful for them. We wanted to eat at the diner and spend some time with Rob's mom & aunt. But it was definitely against my better judgment and knowledge of my own daughter.

I pray that tonight sleep offers me some solace. Lately it hasn't. I wake up multiple times per night to make sure Sean is breathing or to make sure the monitor for Meredith's room is on & I haven't missed her screaming for me. My dreams are haunted by images of the "what if's". My dreams & thoughts are invaded by unimaginable things. I wonder what would happen to my kids if something ever happened to me. I wonder what I'd do if something ever happened to Rob. I wonder how I'd be if something ever happened to my kids. I plan our escape in different situations. Like.... if my car ever goes into the water & I'm in there with both kids, how would I get them out? Who would I cut out of the seat first? Where should I keep the scissor so that it's easily accessible, but doesn't fly around the car in a accident? I often wonder how anyone would find out that something had happened to us if we were in a car accident. I think about how my kids would feel if they were left without a mother because of a drunk driver. I wonder who would take/get custody of them since we haven't made a final decision since Sean was born.

I have found myself sitting & wondering what the nurses would think of me if I'm not at the hospital every second of the day after Sean's surgery. How will Meredith feel when I'm not with her? How will Rob & I split our time between our kids? I worry about what I should pack and how hard will it be on us if we realize we want something we don't have with us. I think about whether Meredith should visit Sean in the hospital. I think about whether she'll be traumatized if she sees him with his boo boo in the hospital. I wonder if she'll need to know he's ok after his surgery.

I am trying to let go & let God, but it's not working. So far I've only gotten so far as to decide not to decide. I just hope that when I do make a decision, no one has the nerve to speak up against my decision.  If & when I decide to let Meredith visit, no one had better say one word about whether they think she should be there. No one had better say anything to make me feel worse than I already feel about this situation.

While Sean is in the PICU, after his surgery, he will have one on one nurse care. He really doesn't "need" me to be there, but how could I not be? How could I not be there to ensure that he feels me there & knows I love him? But won't Meredith need me too? Won't she need to know that everything will be ok? Won't my presence help to prove that? Doesn't she need to know that things are as normal as they can be? Will I be able to put on a brave face for her? Probably not since lately I can't keep it together in front of her & then I'm powerless to stop the flow of tears.

I need for people to stop crying in front of me. I need someone to be strong for me since I'm very obviously crumbling. I absolutely need to someone to take my weight on their shoulders and not the other way around.