Worry & Doubt

That's what my days have been filled with the last few days. And I worry about the silliest things. I am so worried that he's not up to par with other 3 month olds. I know that I shouldn't compare him to anyone else because he's Sean, but it's so hard not to wonder.... "should he be doing this yet? Was Meredith doing this or that by now?" I often find myself daydreaming about how much easier my life might be if I didn't know Sean had down syndrome. I worried about a lot of the same things with Meredith as I am now worrying about with Sean. Am I doing enough to make sure he doesn't fall behind on milestones? Am I keeping him occupied enough to not be bored? In fact I still worry about those things with Meredith. Somehow though it's different with Sean. It feels different.

I am painfully aware of the differences between Sean and other kids. I am acutely aware that Sean WILL have delays in some areas. The problem is the unknown. I don't know what I should be worrying about. Should I worry that it seems like Sean's head & neck control aren't where I think they should be? Should I worry that in many ways he acts very much like a newborn? Is it a good indication that there are many things that he is doing that even older children aren't doing yet? I wish there was some standard for how Sean's chromosomes will affect his development. With his heart condition, there was a definitive flow. The disease had a track it would follow. We knew what to expect and really just about when. We knew what was "normal" for that condition. With down syndrome there is a spectrum. A range. How am I suppose to work with a range?

I am finding it increasingly difficult to feel like I'm doing a good job raising my kids. Meredith spends a lot of her time whining & yelling at me for what seems like no good reason. I'm sure she thinks she has a good reason, but I don't. I feel like I'm failing her. Am I doing everything I can to ensure she's well rounded? Am I teaching her enough things often enough? Am I broadening her mind with enough experiences? What can I do to keep her active? Does she watch to much tv? Am I giving her enough attention? Am I putting her off to much to tend to Sean?

I often find myself wondering why Meredith isn't like other kids as well. I know a lot of parents exaggerate their kids' achievements, but I can't help, but wonder why my kid seems to want to throw a tantrum at the drop of a dime. Why my kid seems to be the only one that refuses to eat. She's not a picky eater, she's just not an eater. Why does my kid seem to have such a hard time falling asleep on her own? Why does my kid seem to have such a hard time separating from me for any length of time? What I wouldn't give to not have a major fit outside the bathroom door. How come my kid doesn't seem as adventurous or seem to be as big a risk taker as other kids?

I have also been spending the last few days feeling sorry for myself. The "why mes" have set in. I have challenged myself to think of ways to think positively about what I perceive to be challenges.

When Meredith refuses to eat and I have emptied my fridge of food to put in front of her, at least my fridge is now empty enough to be cleaned.

When Meredith decides to throw her yogurt on the floor, at least the dogs will lick it up and get the natural cultures everyone's system needs. And hey.... didn't my floor NEED to be washed anyway? Now I have an excuse.

When Meredith decides to throw the holy moses of fits in the middle of the store, it's a chance to practice my meditative skills and block the world out.

When Sean is screaming so hard I have to take him outside for a walk, at least I'm getting some exercise.

When Sean poops so much he needs to be changed 3 times in one minute, at least he's getting to wear all the outfits that are just sitting in his drawers waiting to be worn at least once.

When Dutchess & Brewster decide to pee on the floor, again an opportunity to clean the floors that so desperately needed to be cleaned anyway.

The list goes on & on. I try to make sure I see the silver lining, but......

I am so filled with worry & doubt though that I'm having trouble sleeping. Especially tonight. I have spent the last hour laying in my bed wondering what I will do about what I perceive to be Sean's lack of head control. I worry about bills. I worry about my marriage. I worry about time and scheduling. I worry about drs appointments and therapy appointments.

I have been daydreaming while I'm stuck in traffic or at a red light about spending summers with Rob & the kids on a beach somewhere. And then just like that I'm instantly filled with thoughts of Sean's therapies and drs appointments. How would we make it to all of those things if we weren't here and then he'd fall behind? I'm instantly filled with thoughts of Meredith's activities and how she'd miss out. I have forgotten what it feels like to be free from doubt. I have forgotten what it feels like to be free from worry.

I have been MIA from my blog for the last week or so simply because I am in a really dark place because of all this worry & doubt. I'm feeling removed. Withdrawn. I thought that by now I'd be in a better place. I haven't been able to express what I have been feeling because I never felt it before. I am at a loss for what to do next. This loss has carried over into everything. Everyday lately I feel like I'm fighting a constant losing battle and I'm having a really hard time digging out from the funk.