Reconciliation

When I lay in bed at the end of the day I often reconcile the events that have taken place. I wrestle with my thoughts and I work through a lot of my problems. I also think about love and happiness. When I reconcile these things I often work through how all of my emotions & actions played together to create a wonderful scene.

For instance after having a rough day and just needing to get out of the house, Rob & I decided to take the kids to the aquarium. It was chilly and windy. Or as Meredith likes to call it "winding". "Mommy, it's winding out", she'll often say. Meredith hadn't napped. Sean was having a hard time staying asleep. Rob & I were at each other for no good reason except that we were to close in proximity to each other. We needed to focus on nothing. We just needed to get out of the house.

And so we went. We were surprised to find that the main tank had been emptied to be cleaned & that new exhibits were being added. Rob & I commented about how we remembered there being more space & exhibits when we were kids going t this aquarium. It was a little surreal though looking at a huge empty tank. I immediately wondered where all the fish were. It's not like the NY Aquarium is known for it's sprawling acreage.

The aquarium was empty. It was so nice not to have to battle crowds of people to look at the fish. Meredith was able to linger for as long as she wanted and just watch. And that meant that I was allowed to linger & let my mind wander. I was able to stop & really smell the fresh salty sea air. I was able to pity the poor animals in the small enclosures. I was able to wrestle with my own impatience and telepathically apologize to my kids for not being as patient as they deserve for me to be.

And then I realized I had not been having any fun with my kids. I haven't really laughed with them in quite some time. I have watched them and I have enjoyed moments with them, but I haven't really had much fun with them. And I made it my business to do so that day. Sean woke up and was just as cute as he could be in his little bear suit. Rob & Meredith watched the walrus swim back & forth. We saw penguins swimming and an otter just relaxing. We saw sharks & tortoises. We saw jellyfish & watched a as a wave crashed down over us.











































I had fun with my family. And that night I thought about that day's events. I thought about why I hadn't been having fun with my family. I thought about the fear I have of becoming one of those parents who never stops to think about why she had kids. I reconciled all of the angst & loneliness I had been feeling. I filed it away while we were at the aquarium and pulled out a new file. That night I re-prioritized my life and my thoughts.

Yesterday we went to the pedi for Sean's 3 month well visit. We discussed our concerns about Sean not lifting his head anymore while on his belly. The dr didn't seem to concerned, but agreed that Sean should be getting physical therapy, if for no other reason other than it will help him not fall behind. Sean is weighing in at 9lbs 12oz and 23.5 inches long. We discussed a lot of things and after all was said & done I walked out feeling much of the same worry I felt going in. Sean is not gaining weight as well as I think he should be. He hasn't grown in length in just about a month and he's still not motivated to lift his head while he's on his belly. He used to. I have pictures of it to prove it. But about a month ago, he just stopped. He decided he didn't need to do it anymore. It's very frustrating. The one positive is that the pedi showed us that his muscle tone was ok and that it wasn't a functional issue. Just a motivational issue.

Last night I worked through it & figured out a plan. I set in motion all of the things I needed to get done in order for Sean to get evaluations for physical therapy & occupational therapy. I worked through all of my feelings of needing my head examined that I was going to add more obligations to my already stretched schedule.

Today was another one of those rough days. Meredith didn't nap (again), Sean was having a rough day with his belly, Rob had/has been working from home for entirely to long.... It seemed as though my whole day was going to come crashing to a halt. I really felt like if my children didn't start cooperating, they were going to go right out the window. And because my husband was in the house, damn it it was his job to help. To do something. I didn't care what, but something. I realized today that by Rob being home, I truly expected that he should be able to be like me. We should be interchangeable. I realize rationally that we're not. The kids just prefer us for different tasks. It sucks, but it is what it is. Just because I realize that we're not interchangeable does not mean that it doesn't bother me that we're not. I told Rob I'd prefer if he didn't work from home anymore. Not because I don't love him or enjoy his company. I do. I find it difficult to not feel frustrated by Rob's inability to help out even though he's here in the house. Yes I know he's working. Yes that's how we pay our bills, but if you're here in the house you should be helping. If you can't help, you shouldn't be here. Now of course I'm a pain in the ass because if he actually did decide not to work from home, I'd be equally annoyed & upset. This will be something that I work through tonight. I will somehow reconcile my feelings & thoughts about this one. I will somehow figure out how to balance this as well.

Well.... again I just needed to get out of the house. And so we did. We went to the playground. We walked there, made new friends and then walked home.

Tonight I will reconcile how it is I am so easily frustrated by my kids' lack of naps and the endless meltdowns that come with that. Why it is I feel such an overwhelming need to have a break from them & things that have to be done for them. I will try to reconcile the seeming volcano I have turned into.

I will remember how much my kids love each other. I will think about how curious the dogs were with Meredith when she was a baby and how until tonight Dutchess really paid Sean no mind. I will think about how happy my kids really are and how it's because of Rob & I that Meredith is well rounded. And it's because of the 3 of us that Sean will be well rounded.