As we get closer & closer to delivering Sean, I am constantly reminded of how disappointed I am that Meredith will not be able to come & meet her little brother in the hospital. She won't get to "oooh & aaaaahhhh" over him. We won't be able to get that coveted picture of the four of us sitting in the hospital bed for the first time as a family of four. Hell we may not even get to go home together as a family of four.
I constantly worry about the fact that I won't have the delivery I so desperately want. I actually lose sleep over it. I want a happy delivery without a lot of fanfare. And I don't get to have it. I only get to visit my child in his wing of the hospital and I get to go back to my wing. I get to hope & pray that he comes home with us. I get to hope & pray that he's as healthy as we've been assured he should be. Although I have no delusions at this point that he will be. Especially since the people reassuring me are also the people who reassured me that he didn't have down's. I don't trust the doctors at all.
I don't get to have the comfort in knowing that Meredith will be ok without reassurance of seeing me. I have been debating whether to fight for Meredith to be able to visit me in the hospital. Our hospital has a policy of no visitors under age 13, but can't they make an exception for a mother who doesn't get to have her baby room in with her? Who has to visit her own son? Maybe my ob will help make that happen. But then I worry about how having to leave me will affect Meredith.
I also worry about how leaving Sean in the hospital if he's not ready to go home will affect me. How will mine & Rob's having to go back & forth affect Meredith? At least if I'm home Rob & I can take turns visiting Sean.
Meredith constantly "tells" me how not ready she is for our inevitable separation when my labor comes on full force & I need to goto the hospital. She is super clingy and super attached to me. It doesn't help that every time Meredith branches out to someone, something happens that makes her doubt what she's doing. It seems people only care what they want. They want Meredith to run into their arms as happy as can be & that's just not going to happen. People don't listen to her when she whines or says "no." When people don't listen to her, Meredith jumps right back into her cocoon, scared to try again. It angers me. Not because people love her and want her to show her love for them. I understand the rejection people feel, but it is what it is and she will continue to do be that way the more people try to force the issue. Love also doesn't just happen. Especially if she's anything like me. It's earned like trust. She doesn't love and trust people just because she has to or should. She loves them & trusts them because they respect her space & allow her to get to know them.
I worry about leaving her when I'm in labor because I don't want to traumatize her or me. I'm home base for her. What will she do when her home base isn't there? How will that affect her? And I've heard "that's when she'll have to learn how to cope." "It's good for her." And yes. She'll have to learn how to cope, but what if the way she learns to cope is not healthy? What if the way she learns to cope affects her throughout her life? Maybe you don't believe that what she does now or how she learns things now will affect her later in life, but I do. I believe that the foundations set in place now will help her build in the future. It's one of the reasons I treat her the way I'd want to be or expect to be treated when experiencing things she experiences. It's the reason I help her work through things.
I'm tired of people telling me how to parent. If I say no to something, it's no. It's not up for discussion. It's certainly not up for discussion in front of Meredith. I'm tired of having my parenting criticized. I'm especially tired of the disgusted look someone gives me when I do or say something they don't agree with. Meredith may not understand the words being spoken, but she certainly understands the tone & the look.
I'm tired of having my parenting undermined because everyone apparently knows better. Most of those same people have already raised or are raising their children. Now back up & let us raise ours in the best way we see fit. You don't have to agree with our parenting decisions, but you certainly have to accept them.
I really want a break, but I don't want to deal with the fallout. I'd love to just be able to goto dinner with my husband. I'd love to be able to go out with my girlfriends. It's just not worth it in the end. A couple of hours of away is not worth the weeks of fixing it all back together that I will have to spend.
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