Where have I been?

Lately, it seems I don't have anything nice to say about a lot of things. And part of my reason for staying away is that I don't want to insult anyone by putting what I'm thinking down in print. Not because what I'm feeling is so horrendous or abnormal, but more because it's very specific. There really is no way to generalize what I'm going through. Otherwise it would be right here on this page. Maybe.... by not saying anything, I'm actually saying a lot.

How am I doing otherwise? I think I'm doing ok. I have been walking around lately feeling like a blind man in a room full of furniture when it comes to my kids and my marriage. I love my kids more than anything I could ever imagine. I love my husband just as much. Unfortunately for me, I just don't seem to be making the connections I need to be making. I feel like every time I turn around someone or something else needs my attention RIGHT NOW. I am snapping at everyone, including Meredith. And it's not healthy. It's not good for anyone to be around me right now.

I really feel as though I have screwed my kids up for life. I feel like if I had just gotten M to sleep on her own when she was younger, maybe just maybe she would be a better sleeper. If I had fed her better or better stuff or more variety or whatever when she was younger, maybe just maybe meals wouldn't be such a battle now.

Now with Sean I feel like I don't hold him enough. I feel like I'm not doing anything right for him by nursing & giving a bottle. I feel like all the lessons I've learned when nursing M have gone right out the window.

I feel isolated, alone. There is no one in my inner circle that could ever know what it feels like to have 2 kids, much less 1 with so many needs. Sean has only here 2 weeks and we've been to the dr probably as much as we were when I was still pregnant. Meredith is high maintenance too.It feels like having two high maintenance kids is slowly going to kill me. I'm trying so hard to keep myself active. I try to make sure I get out there, but..... I have no one who gets it. I have no one I can complain to that wants to hear it. I also don't wanna be that woman. That only talks about her kids or her kids' problems. My kids are great for the most part, but it's eating me up that I have to have a constant battle. It's always something. Either I have to battle for one or both to eat properly or at all for that matter. Or I have to battle for sleep or my own bed.

Meredith has gotten to a stage that involves a lot of ignoring me, a lot of "no" and a lot of me yelling.

I can't talk to Rob because he just doesn't wanna hear it. At least that's the way it seems. And even if he says he does, he acts like he doesn't. If I wanted someone to just sit there, I'd talk to a rock. To look at me with contempt about the subject of my gripe, I'll call up the holy roller down the block who scowls at everything. It's not a good place to be. Especially with the uphill battle we face together. Maybe I should start talking to the dog. At least I'll get a sympathetic look and maybe a lick of reassurance.

Yes yes..... I need to go see someone neutral. I'm still working on this one. I really need to figure out a good schedule. Next week is almost booked solid for my kids. I know I need to make time for me & for us, but right now I'm working out the kinks of balancing both activities & appointments for both kids. I am still trying to work out how to include Sean in Meredith's activities without her feeling like he's moving in on her time. I need to figure out how to get both kids to wake up at different times. I need to figure out how to run on less energy than I had before with just one kid. Then I can work on me and my things.

I need to figure out how to make sure Sean is getting the nourishment he needs. Ok I need to make sure they both get the nourishment they need, but I know Meredith won't starve. Unfortunately, Sean might if he doesn't eat.

I need to make the decision to either exclusively pump or to exclusively breastfeed. Unfortunately for me, pumping is easier, but leaves me fraught with guilt. Breastfeeding is better for his muscle tone and mouth coordination for speaking later because it's harder to do. I also feel like because Meredith was exclusively nursed, maybe he should be too. I don't know. Again... it's incredibly isolating. No one in my inner circle has had to make that decision. So they don't understand why the decision is so hard.

I just don't know what to do with myself to come out of the fog. I don't know how to help myself. Ok that's not true. I need to go for a long excruciatingly hot and sweaty run all by myself. I just need to work it off. Be by myself. Escape for just a couple of hours. As a mother that's just not possible. I will always be someone's mother. I will always have them on my mind and wonder if they're ok. I will always have an urge to call. I will always ask if they wanna come with me to "see the fishies".