Day 2 with Sean

I woke up at about 6ish in the morning. I was hungry, but had no desire to eat anything. The only thing I really wanted was coffee, but I had no energy to look for any on my floor or go downstairs to get some. 

I decided to brush my teeth, wash my face and brush my hair and then head downstairs for Sean’s 7:30am feeding. Just as I was about to leave guess what showed up on my “doorstep”. Breakfast. I’m not the biggest fan of hospital food, but I knew I should probably eat something. There wasn’t much in the way of anything appetizing, but there was corn flakes. And really, how can you screw up corn flakes? And much to my surprise..... there was a hot cup of coffee. Now it wasn’t the best coffee I’ve ever had, but it certainly was far from the worst. Now if there were 2 sugar packets we’d be in business. There were!!! There were 2 sugar packets. Someone was smiling down on me. 

I finished up my coffee & cereal and made it downstairs for his feeding. The daytime nurse as already on shift and checked his sugar levels. They were good. Yippee!! I changed his diaper and he had pooped. Wonderful. As I was changing his diaper, still completely afraid of his scrotum, he indoctrinated me into the wonderful world of motherhood of a boy. He peed on me. I thought I was prepared for it. I thought “eh how much pee could come out of one small body?” A lot. That’s how much. The nurses laughed at me as I dodged the stream of pee that seemed to follow me where ever I went. I did eventually get him & me all cleaned up and fed him. 

He had 1 booby and some formula. I have to admit. Giving him a bottle is way easier than breastfeeding. Of course I knew this before, but.... So I may end up exclusively pumping  and giving him a bottle. We’ll have to see how things go once we’re home. 

Rob came while I was feeding Sean. My love. I don’t think he could’ve looked any better. He was fresh from a shower and shave. He had first hand reports about Meredith. In my eyes he was as good, if not better than a fresh cup of coffee at that point. 

The neonatologist came over, looked at his chart and asked if there was anything else to report beside his issues at 10:30pm last night. Nope. Nothing to report. She said she was going to transfer him up to the regular nursery as long as I wasn’t being disharged today. She asked that we find out what my dr was planning & let her know. Dr. Abe said he wanted me to stay until tomorrow. Dr. Hussainy was going to discharge me today. Hmmmmmmm Well now we had a dilemma. Do I want to go home? Desperately. Do I want to spend one day really trying to bond with my new son without interruption? Desperately. I decided to stay. 

I had no hope that he was actually going to be transferred. I thanked her and we asked about how long it would take to get him up there. She said by about 11am he should be ready to go. Ok. We’ll see. 

We went & got BLTs and I got my good cup of coffee. Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh. We ate and then headed back downstairs. We wanted to feed Sean so that he could maintain his sugar levels and avoid being sent back to the NICU. Especially since the regular nursery nurses had already informed us that they keep him in there until they’re finished with their intake process and that could take an hour. 

The neonatologist agreed that it was a good idea to feed him before he went up. Unfortunately the doctors were making their rounds and he couldn’t be fed right at that moment. So we waited outside by the fish tank saying “fishies” like Meredith does. Rob tried taking pictures of the fishies so that he could how them to Meredith, but those little suckers were to fast for his camera to capture. 

The Rabbi who will be performing Sean’s Bris called me back and wished us Mazel Tov. He really is a wonderfully caring man. As I was on the phone with him Sean’s nurse came out to get us & told us he was being transferred right then & she worked it out that we wold feed him upstairs before his intake process was started. YAY!!!! It was really happening. Now I just had to get off the phone without being rude to the Rabbi. I don’t know how, but I managed to do it. The only thing the Rabbi asked for was for us to get clearance from the hospital pediatrician for Sean to get his Bris. 

We got upstairs, we fed Sean, met his nurse and then mosied on our way back to my room. We let the nurse know we wanted Sean brought to us when they were finished. 

We got back & chatty Cathy was gone. Hallelujah. We were able to open the curtains and keep the door open. This room really needs the air circulation. 

Sean came back to our room and we just loved him. We hugged him, studied him, gave a good once over. All things we hadn’t been able to do while he was connected to the wires in the NICU. 

A nurse came in while we were studying our bundle and told us that Sean needed his hearing test. Sure. We finally get him and he’s taken back. Grrrrrrrr 

While he was getting his hearing test Rob & I went outside for lunch. We had hot dogs & then I had a double chocolate ice cream cone with rainbow sprinkles from the Mr. Softee truck. Or as Meredith calls it “the man” for ice cream man. And hey.... if I’m going, I’m going all the way. I’m getting the double with sprinkles. 

I miss her so much. I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but she really is my whole life. She went to baby be crafty today at the bookstore. I don’t know what happened to the crafty part, but Meredith got her hands painted with face paint and had herself a good time. Good for her. I’m glad she was able to enjoy herself. Rob & I made the decision to not have her visit today. With Sean coming up we just didn’t think it was a good idea because she isn’t allowed up here to visit and I wouldn’t want to be away from Sean to long to stay downstairs from here. Not to mention that I just didn’t think I would be able to handle her leaving again. Every time I think about her. Her smile. Her laugh. Everything about her. Even her pest like ways. I miss her so much and the tears flow. I don’t know how I could ever live without her. 

I even started to wonder today if there was a pinpoint time when she took over my whole heart. It wasn’t an immediate thing. I mean I loved her right away, but there wasn’t that unbreakable attachment. That bond shared only between a mother and her child. I guess there really isn’t one moment where I just fell in love with her. And my guess is that there won’t be just one moment where a lightbulb goes off and I fall in love with Sean either. 

He is starting to grow on me though. I am starting to fall in love with him. I go back & forth on whether he looks like he has down’s or not. He certainly has features of downs, but I can’t tell if he looks stereotypical down’s. I also can’t tell if I see it more because I know and I’m looking for it or what. 

Rob and I went down to the neonatology office to see if we could get copies of Sean’s records. We’re trying to keep all records so that we don’t have to remember everything and keep telling all of his doctors over & over. The doctor was able to give his discharge summary. It was a good thing we got it. There were some things on there we didn’t know. Like that he had a renal sonogram and other lovelies. 

Sean came back from his hearing test and had passed in his right ear, but still had fluid in his left. So he didn’t do so well with that ear. They’re testing him again tomorrow. I hope he passes. I don’t want or need one more thing to worry about with him. 

We asked the nurse to let the pediatrician know we wanted to speak to him/her because we had questions about the discharge summary. She said she’d pass along the information. 

Sean is already quite a strong little guy. He’s picking his head up & flinging it around. He’s very restless. Just like he was in my belly. He doesn’t stop moving. When M was born, she wasn’t restless at all. I don’t remember her moving so much. I guess though, there was a lot going on when M was born. We had a lot of visitors and I never really got the chance to just be with her. So for all I know she was just as restless as she is now. 

Dinner came, but I still wasn’t in the mood to eat. I had a few bites, but more out of necessity. Rob told me I needed to eat. Yes I know I need to, but I’m just not in the mood. I don’t know what it is. I think the whole ordeal of his birth has really caught up with me. I don’t feel depressed, but I do feel disappointed and defeated. I knew his birth was not going to be what I wanted. I knew it was going to be fraught with all sorts of anxiety. What I hadn’t counted on was the seeming incompetence of the staff here at the hospital. I hadn’t counted on so many people walking around with their heads so far up their asses that they couldn’t see that they were making an already difficult situation more difficult. 

Having been here for 24 hours before my doctor finally said “Enough!” really made for a very..... almost catatonic me. At one point I couldn’t have cared less what happened to me. I couldn’t have cared less what happened to Sean. I just knew I didn’t want to be in “that bed” or “this hospital” anymore. 

At one point I remember just staring at the wall. Just staring at it trying to accept that this was where I was going to be until I had my baby. And even then.... who knew where I was going to end up. I felt forgotten. Like the doctors & nurses had all forgotten why they chose this career. 

I know a lot of people sue for stupid reasons. But why fault me for it? Why fault me for having followed all of my doctors’ advice? Why was I continuing to be punished the same way I had been punished for the past 9 months? 

Rob said to me, you ate when you had Meredith because you knew it would help your milk supply. And I did. I did everything I could for Meredith. Is this how the rest of my kids’ lives were going to be? Is Sean going to get the shaft because I just didn’t have the strength in me anymore? I don’t know. I know that I don’t want to have a constant comparison thrown at me though. Things are & will be different with Sean simply because our circumstances are different with Sean. I didn’t have a toddler when Meredith was born. Meredith didn’t have any birth defects or down’s when she was born. 

I will do my best for Sean. That’s all I can promise. 

At about 6pm, Rob left to go get me some munchies. Mmmmmm munchies. There’s something about a good chocolate chip cookies or a good jello that just brings you back to better & happier times. No? 

After that Rob left. We wanted him to go home & give Meredith a bath, put Sean’s car seat in the car, walk the dogs and spend some time with Meredith before she went to bed. 

It was bittersweet. My rock was leaving and I was going to spend all night alone with Sean, but at the same time I was going to get to spend some time with my son. Maybe we’d get to know each other better. 

Rob called me because Meredith asked for me and wanted to talk to me. I have never been more in love with my husband for thinking to call me so she could talk to me. And Meredith started to talk about her puppies and how she walked them. She started to tell me about her hair and her fishies. It made my whole day. I was so proud of her. She really is quite the young lady. 

And then it happened. As I was having the most important conversation of my life with one of the most important people in my life, people got involved. I don’t know why. I don’t know why anyone felt the need to interrupt it or get involved in it, but they did. And it was ruined for me. The most magical feeling I had ever felt in my whole life was gone. It was replaced instead by anger. 

I told Meredith how much I loved her and asked that Rob take me off speaker phone. I had to get off the phone. I couldn’t speak anymore because I was so heartbroken & upset. 

Poor Rob. He texted me afterward and apologized for making me cry. He thought I was upset because I missed Meredith so much. And I did, but that wasn’t why I was upset. I told him why I was upset and I think he understood. I told him I didn’t need a translator to talk to my own kid. I spend every waking moment with her. I know her language. I know how to communicate with her. 

And then I felt worse for him than I did for myself. He did something amazing and he was left feeling badly about it. Have I mentioned how much I love that man? 

The pediatric resident came by at around 9:30pm to discuss the report and answer my questions. I asked him about the renal sonogram and the results were that his kidneys are of normal size and functioning well. We asked whether he would be cleared for his Bris and because he has one testicle that isn’t completely descended, it may be of concern, but the resident didn’t feel it would be an issue. He said he’d have the attending physician look at it in the morning and put on the discharge summary whether or not he was cleared for his Bris. We talked about a bunch of other things and when he left I was no longer completely paranoid that my son was going to stop breathing or that he was choking or anything else of that nature. 

I called Rob to give him the news. Then the little man & I settled in for the night. He ate, we slept some. He ate some more, pooped some more, peed some more. I slept some more. 

All in all I think it was a good night. It was made even better knowing that we were going to go home in the morning. I am already discharged, but my little man has to be discharged. Then we’re off. 

Wish us luck as we start the next leg of our journey.