Our first day with Sean

After Sean was whisked away to the NICU, I stayed behind in order to finish up the business of delivery. Dr. Hussainy did what she had to do and the nurse did what she had to do. My right was still as swollen as it could be. I was unable to lift it still and it was still numb. Anesthesiology couldn’t come fast enough to get that damn catheter out of my back. After they came and took the catheter out, I was informed it would be at least another hour before the feeling returned to my right leg. Turns out it would be much much longer than that. 

As I waited for my leg to regain its feeling, someone came to visit Rob & me. It was the nurse who had delivered Meredith. We are still amazed at how many people remember us from Meredith’s delivery. We’re always told that the nurses remember the ones who made them laugh or who made their shift go by faster. “J” was amazing to us throughout Meredith’s labor & delivery. She actually heard us when we said we didn’t want certain things performed on me, acted as my advocate and even stayed 2 hours passed her shift ending to cheer us on while Meredith was born. In fact a lot of the nurses from that shift stayed 2 hours passed the shift ending to cheer us on. But it was “J” who really made our experience with Meredith better. 

Anyway, she said she saw my name on the board of patients and had to come by & say hello. She ended up staying in my delivery room for quite some time catching up with us. It was so nice. At 11am, a resident came into the room and started asking about my pain level. He then started asking questions pre-birth kind of questions while the three of us just kind of looked at him. When we informed him that I had already delivered, he just kind of left. Poor guy. 

At 1:30ish, it was time for me to go and give Sean his first meal. He was hungry & his blood sugar level was low at 47. The nurse had to help me into the wheelchair because I still couldn’t feel my right leg. 

We went to the NICU so that I could feed Sean and it was very surreal for me to be visiting my own child. Why oh why did I have to visit my own child in the NICU?

I nursed him and he nursed like a champ. Or so I thought. He took both breasts and went into what I call a milk coma. When the baby has finished nursing and just kind of falls over asleep like a drug induced haze. 

We put him back on his warmer & went upstairs to get settled. The nurse who transported me upstairs had to throw me into the bed. The room was really cramped and there was already an occupant. The nurse was only able to use one arm to help me & my unusable leg into the bed. 

She and another nurse got me settled and wished me luck & congratulations. Rob stayed with me the whole time even though he was exhausted. He went out to get us some lunch so that we could finally eat something substantial for the first time in almost 36 hours. We got BLTs. And we sat together & ate. 

By then of course it was time to nurse Sean again and we went downstairs to see him. We changed his diaper and much to our surprise he had pooped. And I’d like to thank all the mommies of little boys out there for warning me that poop sticks to balls. In case you couldn’t tell the hint of sarcasm....... I was afraid to hurt him. My whole life I was told scrotums are very sensitive. One wrong move and that’s it for the champ. Ya know? So I was afraid of my little man’s scrotum. I looked to Rob for guidance here. After all this is his territory no? He’s got the same plumbing. Rob kindly informed me that he doesn’t get poop on his so he has no ideas. Thanks babe. 

I thought he nursed like a champ. We held him, took some more pictures & then came back upstairs. 

We were told that Sean might be able to be switched to the regular nursery later on that night as long as the cardiologist approved it. He was doing so well. We were proud parents. 

We asked my in laws to bring Meredith by for a visit since we missed her so very much. Every time I think about her, I just want to grab her up & squeeze the stuffing out of her. When I think about how she tells a whole story with 3 words or how she will just look at you and you just know..... you just know that she understands what you’re feeling and will rush to hug you. 

When she saw me, she immediately said “mommy!” She only wanted me to pick her up & hug her. Unfortunately I couldn’t lift her up yet. We were told we needed to go downstairs because a nurse here decided to make it her business to get Meredith kicked out. So we hung out downstairs in one of the waiting areas and chatted, hugged, kissed and everything else. 

Rob & I set up with the NICU a video conference thing they have for families of NICU patients. They will set up a camera so that family other than the parents can see the baby. Meredith kept saying “baby brother” and “Sean” when Sean came up on the screen. I don’t know if she quite understands that the baby that was in mommy’s belly was now on that screen. But it was really cute. 

Meredith went with her grandma & bought Sean a stuffed rhino. Which I hear she’s not giving up. But that’s another story. 

When it was time for them to go home, I couldn’t stand the thought of her leaving. My mother in law had to push the issue and they left. We went our separate ways and Meredith screamed “mommy!” until I could no longer hear her. It broke my heart. 

It kind of reminded me of one of those Lifetime movies where child services is ripping a child out of the mother’s arm and everyone is hysterical crying. I know that there is nothing I could have done differently except not have her visit me, but Rob & I both decided that not having her come was just as bad. Especially for me. I absolutely needed to see my little monkey. Even if it was for only a little while. 

Rob & I were left here parted by bureaucracy from our little monkey. The reason Meredith isn’t supposed to visit is because of the H1N1 epidemic that never was. I think it’s a little silly, but whatever. There’s really nothing I can do about it right? Maybe I should print out the article I was reading one Livescience.com titled “The Epidemic That Never Was” and send it to the Health & Hospitals Corporation. Maybe I should explain to them how silly I think the whole thing is. 

At 6:30pm, Rob & I went to speak to the cardiologist who, by the way, was very nice. And like everyone else was very very surprised I was up and walking around after having had a baby that morning. He let us know that Sean had been cleared by him to be transferred to the regular nursery. YAY!!! Something to celebrate. 

Rob went home last night to be with Meredith for a little while, get some sleep & bring me some things in the morning. Beside he would’ve been kicked out when visiting hours were over anyway. I spent my time wandering around in my own head, thinking about things. Nothing in particular, just things. In fact I can’t even remember what the heck I thought about. 

We thought things were going so well with Sean. We thought breastfeeding alone was keeping Sean’s sugars at decent levels. We were all so impressed with his latch and his facial muscle tone. We were excited that by about 10pm, he should be in the regular nursery & able to stay in my room with me. 

Unfortunately at about 10:30pm, Sean’s sugars dipped to 30. Which in the world of newborns is dangerously low. They like to see it above 45. I had already discussed with one of the neonatal pediatricians that above all else, if he needed supplementation, I wanted it to be in bottle form. Whether it was formula or breast milk. Not by IV fluids or by tubing. They made the decision to give him formula because breast milk wasn’t an option as I hadn’t pumped any. 

No one called me to inform me of this until 10:45 and I was pissed. Well they called to tell me he had gotten a bottle of formula. Not that his sugars were dangerously low. The nurse also told me that because of it, Sean would not be transferring up to the regular nursery as the nicu doctors now wanted to monitor him more closely. I was torn between anger, disappointment & fear. I was so angry that no one consulted me beforehand. My control as his parent was taken away from me. Yes he was in the nicu. Yes they make decisions on his care. Yes I had him here because I trust them. Blah Blah Blah! I am his mother damn it! I should have been called before or during. Not after. 

I marched my tired behind down there to speak to the neonatologist. I don’t know what I was hoping to accomplish. I knew there was nothing I would’ve done if he truly needed to be monitored. I think I was just tired of the BS. 

The doctor said that his sugar was dangerously low and he was dehydrated. So all this time we thought that Sean was nursing so well.... he wasn’t. Now I was just upset. I felt so defeated. The decision was made that I would nurse Sean and then give him formula to supplement. At least that way we knew he was getting something substantial and he’d still be getting my colostrum. I do want to breast feed, but I also want him to be healthy. I won’t sacrifice his health just because someone says “breast is best”. 

As I was standing there talking to the doctor, Sean’s heart rate went down. He had a bradycardia. I was so scared. All of my fears were coming true! I have invested so much  of my heart & soul into this little boy and he was leaving me. Thankfully enough he recovered quickly with some stimulation. I still haven’t though. I am now completely paranoid that my little man is choking, unable to breathe and I am powerless to help him. 

I will be more than thrilled when he has his surgery, comes home & the surgeon and cardiologist say “He’s fine. You don’t have to worry anymore.” 

I called Rob in hysterics. I just didn’t know what to feel first. He said he was coming back to the hospital, but I didn’t think he should. What was it going to accomplish? I just needed to get it out. I needed to get out my frustrations. I needed to get out my hurt and anguish. I don’t know that he was even able to understand what I was saying at that point, but it didn’t matter. 

I was completely & utterly defeated. I have almost never felt as badly as I did last night. When I got back upstairs, I was again left with my own thoughts. They weren’t pretty thoughts. But they were mine. 

I made it back downstairs for Sean’s 1:30am feeding. His sugars were decent. I changed his diaper & he had a nice little package waiting for me. This time though I was prepared. Ok not so much. I was dog tired and really not in the mood to be elbow deep in poop, but a mom has to do what a mom has to do. I got the cloths to wipe him down & the poop came off easily. Hmmmmmm what is this trickery? One of the night nurses told me the secret. Lube him up with a&d ointment. Another “AHA!!” moment followed by 

an “I’m an ass. Why didn’t I think of that?” moment. 

I decided it was best for me to sleep the rest of the night so I handed over the 4:30am feeding to them. I told them I needed the sleep more than Sean needed me down there. It worked out better that way. I was able to get a few hours of sleep and he still maintained good sugar levels. 

All in all..... it was a very trying day. Another day filled with what ifs, doubts about life, doubts about doctors, insane amounts of jealousy toward women getting to room in with their healthy newborns and a whole host of other things. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.