I am not ready for this baby

I am totally ready to not be pregnant anymore. I'm just not ready to have this baby. I'm not ready give up my special time with Meredith. I'm not ready to insane amount of doctors and therapist appointments we're going to have. I'm not ready to embark on the newborn phase again.

I have been having contractions for the last few days. They come & go, but they constantly change. They get more & more intense. Which I know is progress. He's going to be here soon. He is so far down that I can see my feet again without bending over. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of people that have commented that I don't look like I'm due any second with this baby. WHen I bend to pick something up I'm always afraid I'm going to snap his neck.

I have begged him, pleaded with him. Promised him ponies and candy. I have offered him everything I can think of that he'd want and he still mocks me. He teases me with these contractions.

My next scheduled non-stress test, biophysical profile (ultrasound) and ob appointments are on Wednesday. My personal gut feeling is that I'm not going to make it to Wednesday, but who knows? The thought of having this baby here is scaring the bejesus out of me.

And I have given the term "clean like your mother in law is coming" a whole new meaning. If I could, I'd rip up every plank of wood from my floor & scrub it individually. My house can't be clean enough lately. And I know I have some sever OCD, but this is a whole new level. I don't think I ever felt it like this with Meredith. I know it's a combination of nesting & my severe anxiety over what lays ahead of us. Well... maybe not so much nesting. I'm not getting things ready for him. I actually haven't given his room much thought beyond his furniture placement. I have some ideas; just no motivation to put them together.

I don't know what else I can possibly do in order to feel more at ease with Sean's arrival, but I'm hoping once he's here & we're immersed I Won't have time to worry about it.