God's INBOX is full

My husband is my rock. Not because he's so strong in tough situations. Not because he keeps me levelheaded. Even though most of the time he does, but that's not why. It's because he's like me. I crumble into a thousand little pieces all at once and he crumples. One piece at a time into a neat little pile of introverted mess. And yes.... there is a difference between crumbling & crumpling. He makes it ok for me to be honest and to fall apart. I hope I make it easy for him to be honest and fall apart as well. I sometimes wonder though, if he's holding back because he doesn't want to see me cry. I know how badly he's hurting because I hurt just as bad.

Some of the thoughts swirling around in my head are things I never thought I'd ever have to say. They're things I undoubtedly feel no mother should feel without seeking psychiatric help. They're things I feel should be put out there so they can be sucked into a great big black hole. Even though I know they won't be.

Chief among them is how it would just be easier for us all if Sean didn't make it. No mother should ever feel that way and I would never wish death. But lets face it, death is so much easier to explain and so much easier to grieve. How do you grieve a life you already had planned for a child who isn't even here yet? How you grieve a choice to walk away from your child if you place him for adoption?

I feel like it's taboo for us to be considering putting Sean up for adoption. Like the judging eyes are saying "how could you walk away from your own son because he has challenges?" And they're right. How could a mother just walk away from her own son? How could a mother even think about it? But I have to think about it to ensure that he gets everything he needs.

And everyone has someone they know that has down's. Whether it's they're 4th cousin once removed, their neighbor's granddaughter who's a lovely child. I don't doubt that every child with down's is as nice, happy, loving child as everyone says they are. I don't doubt that all they want is to be included like any other child, but let's face it. They have special needs. Those needs have to met for them to reach their fullest potential.

I truly believe that I am incapable of raising a down's syndrome child & then adult. I don't believe that I can give that child everything he needs to reach his full potential. Can I give him love? ABSOLUTELY! But love is just not enough. I truly believe it's unfair & selfish of me to keep and raise a child knowing full well that he needs & deserves more.

I am vain. I keep thinking..... "what is he gonna look like? Is he gonna be cute? Are people going to look over & say 'nice blanket'?" I know that's not important in the grand scheme of things, but it's been popping into my mind a lot. I keep thinking maybe if he looked normal that it would be easier for me to forget that he is going to have some disabilities. I can happily be in denial when I walk down the street and people want to look at that "cute little baby". I look at Meredith & think about what she'd look like if she had down's. I don't suggest you do this. You will inevitably look at your child in all sorts of distorted positions and your child will look back at you, scream & then come over dying hysterically with laughter because she thinks you're playing a game.

I often find myself wondering about his heart surgery. Would someone even want to adopt my baby knowing he has a heart defect requiring surgery? I mean I would never give a puppy or kitten up for adoption knowing full well it needed surgery. Then I also think how could a mother think about giving her baby up when he has such a huge problem & is going to need nothing, but love & caring? What kind of mother am I?

I have never really connected with this pregnancy. With Meredith I was so scared of having a miscarriage that I fell in love with her backwards. Maybe I always knew something was wrong? Maybe my gut told me? Obviously I'll never know. People would ask me if I was happy about being pregnant and I honestly would have to think about it. People would tell me it was my hormones when I said "not really". I was told I needed counseling. I was told I'll be happy when I'm holding that perfectly healthy little boy in my arms. I don't get to find that out. I'm still being told that I'll be happy & love him when he's in my arms. I already love him. I'm just not happy. When I look down at my belly I don't & can't marvel at the life growing in my very own petri dish. I only miss my feet and being able to take a shower without being a contortionist.

When he kicks, I don't marvel at the alien feeling in my belly. I don't grab Rob's hand for him to feel it. I don't tell anyone that he's moving so they can feel it and marvel. I have a hard time calling him by his name.

I ask God every single day "WHY!?"; "why have you decided this is the path I must take? why us? why now?" I ask whether he hates me. I ask whether he hates Meredith. For some reason I have never asked why he hates Rob. Maybe it's because you can't hate Rob. He's just not a hatable guy. I'm lucky that way.

With all of the questions I have been asking lately, directly & indirectly to God, his INBOX must be full. He must have no more room to get questions from other people.

I feel like I'm being punished. Like I did something cruel & instead of plucking out my toe nails one by one with a plier, God has decided to give me a life of agony & despair. He has decided that I must be punished for all my days to come.

Will we ever have another child if we decide to give Sean to a family better able to care for him? I don't know. How would Meredith feel about that? Would she forever judge us for not keeping Sean and then having another baby? Would Sean forever feel like he wasn't good enough? In the end, if we choose adoption, it is because we love Sean with every fiber of our being and want only the best for him. But I don't think children are able to think that way. My fear is that Meredith will only see that we have given him away because he was different. Which isn't untrue, but it's not the whole story. I don't want Meredith to learn the wrong lessons from whichever decision we make.

In the coming week we'll be talking to the genetic counselor who has been AMAZING. We'll be asking her what challenges we face as Sean gets older. Rob & I have already figured out that we do not want to raise a 40 year old child. We don't want that to fall to Meredith either. Yes.... she will love Sean and she will adapt. Of that I have no doubt. But I have to think of her future as well as his. Rob & I have also realize that if Sean is severely handicapped, we are COMPLETELY incapable of caring for him. But at least we now our limitations.

We're going to be looking into adoption specialists who specialize in down's adoptions. We have been finding that a lot of the specialists are able to counsel us & help us to figure out if adoption is the right choice for us.

We're going to start counseling together to help us get through this no matter which way we choose to go.

So far we have nothing, but support and we hope that continues. I hope the coming weeks bring me closer to sleeping. I need a decision one way or the other so I know how & what to grieve. I need to be able to steel myself for what lay ahead of me. I need to be able to help my child make sense of it all.