So traumatized

The whole experience with living in Rockaway over the woman that lives downstairs has completely and utterly traumatized me. I didn't realize that it was trauma until my stomach started to knot up as we drove here.

We decided to stay here tonight so we wouldn't have to drive so far, so early in the morning tomorrow morning. We ran a few errands in Brooklyn and then headed here. The closer we got, the worse I felt. I have never in my life dreaded being somewhere. No one should ever have to feel that kind of dread. As Meredith started to whine because she didn't want to stop playing, all those feelings of "ssssshhhhhhh we wouldn't want to annoy the troll" came back. No mother or person should ever have to feel that way.

Rob and I were talking about something we "should" do with respect to this apartment. And I couldn't believe the complete 180 degree turn in feeling I had made in such a short time. I looked at rob and said "I'm sorry, but D* didn't care enough to take of the problems that were occurring & therefore I can't care about this apartment." I realize that this makes me as bad as D* & the troll. But I honestly don't care. I truly truly truly feel in my heart that things could've been handled so much more appropriately by our landlord. And because they weren't, he doesn't deserve for us to make this apartment better. Not that we trashed the place. I mean I couldn't care less about tightening the shower head or spackling the holes from nails. Honestly.....

We got here and I immediately noticed that the troll not only still had her air conditioner in the hallway. Only instead of being in front of her door like it was a week ago, it was where I normally park my stroller. Now this should not have annoyed me so much, but it did. Want to know why? Because it just proved what a puss D* is. Instead of saying to her that we're "still tenants until June 1st and that's where I told her she could put her stroller there so you'll have to move your things" he allowed it. As he has done since we moved in here in February. It's truly a shame.

Like I have said in the past, I can move on. I am, can be & will be happier when we're finally out of here for good.

What are the positives of us having moved here? Well...... I was able to come back to NYC and go back to my OB. Who I adore. If I hadn't gone back to him, we may not have gotten our diagnosis for Sean. We may not have the team lined up to care for Sean that we have. We may not have been forced to move and therefore may not have decided to go back to Brooklyn to be closer to family, friends & the drs we will be using. We may not have been able to grow as a family, as a couple, as parents, as people. We may not have learned some very valuable lessons about ourselves, about moving, about homes & apartments, about what are negotiable for us and what is not. We may not have learned what was truly important to us.

We may not have learned how to love ourselves and our faults. We may not have learned what it means to open your eyes & take it all in and breathe.