Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I made a conscious decision to love Sean no matter what. He's my son and he deserves at least that much. But now that I am completely emotionally invested in him, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. My defenses are down.

After spending the day at doctors appointments, I am even more convinced that there is yet another shoe to drop. I feel it in my heart of hearts that there is more wrong with Sean. I have the same sinking feeling today that I had when I received my blood work results that indicated I was a higher risk for having a baby with down's.

Every time I think about what his heart sounded like today, I'm reminded that Sean may not in fact live. Is it likely he will? Yes. But I'm reminded that he has a serious heart defect. And quite frankly, I'm starting to lose any trust I have in the doctors. They're all very reassuring, but I feel like I'm being treated like an idiot.

I can see. I can hear. I have been listening to my son's heart for 32 weeks. I'm pretty sure I know when something sounds off. I have been looking & studying my son's anatomy at each & every ultrasound. I'm pretty sure I can spot something that doesn't look like it should. I'm tired of fighting for information. I'm tired of people trying to reassure me that "all looks good" when I know it doesn't.

Just once, I'd like something to celebrate with this pregnancy instead of feeling dread every time a technician spends more time than necessary looking at something. This is not the first time I have had to do this. I know what happened when I had Meredith. She was & is perfect in every way. I have someone to compare it to.

I know the "look" on a technician's face when they see something they shouldn't. I saw it when the technician didn't see any growth and I went on to miscarry. I have seen it many times with Sean. I never saw the "look" with Meredith.

I'm so not in a good place right now. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that things are not going to turn out "well" for us. "Well" really is a relative word. I'm really talking about "well" for a baby born with Sean's known issues.

I am tired of waiting. I am tied of being pregnant with Sean. I'm not tired of being pregnant. Just tired of being pregnant with him. I can't take it anymore. I am tired of waiting to see what else can possibly go wrong.