Smell the roses in the rain

There is nothing quite like the smell of a rose. It doesn't matter what color it is. It doesn't matter what variety it is. A rose smells like a rose. It's a sweet smell that isn't to overwhelming and always makes you smile when you happen to smell it.

Now the smell of a rose in the rain is something quite different. It's unexpected and it stands out. It makes you stop & wonder...... "where did that smell come from?" And you stop. You put your umbrella down, look for the rose bush & you wait for the smell to come your way again.

Yesterday as Meredith & I walked Dutchess and Brewster in the rain, I happened upon that smell. That unexpected sweet smell of the rose in the rain and I had to stop & think. Maybe this is what my life has become. Maybe my life has become the sweet unexpected smell of the rose in the rain. I put my umbrella down so I could enjoy that smell just a little bit longer. Much to the delight of one special little girl who was just aching to get out of her covered stroller & enjoy the rain. Also much to the dismay of two very wet dogs who wanted nothing more than to go home.

But we didn't go home. Meredith enjoyed the rain and I enjoyed that smell.







Maybe. Just maybe this is how my life was supposed to be. I doubt it, but it could be. I know that having a child with down's syndrome is not a death sentence. I know having an infant with down's syndrome is not a death sentence. But having an infant & child with down's is the easy part. We're still pretty young. We can still care for him just as we would any other baby. We can also make it our business to make sure all therapies are covered. But when we're 70 years old and he's just nearing 40, how will it be? Will Meredith forever resent that when we die it will be up to her to make sure he's taken care of? 

I posed some questions to Rob last night, "what would we have done if Meredith had come out with down's? Would we have simply given her up for adoption? What happens is god forbid she develops autism?" Rob's answer was that he didn't know what he would've wanted to do, but we probably wouldn't have had anymore children if we had kept her. And he's probably right. That saddens me. I need to believe that something good can come of this no matter what we ultimately decide.

Yes I know...... children with down's often make a family closer. They often make marriages stronger. They bring a certain loving, trusting, caring way about them. In essence they bring the smell of the rose in the rain. Through the pain & despair hopefully what comes is laughter & loving hearts. Hopefully what comes is a new understanding of life & it's many nuances.

I know what the right decision is for us to make. But I don't always make the right decisions. As is glaringly evident everyday of my life. We're still going back & forth and probably will for many many years to come. Yes I know.... After July going back & forth is really not an option, but I know I will always wonder whether what I did, no matter which way we decide, was the right thing to do.