He is my son

I think I have come to the decision that life without sean will be worse than life with Sean and his "abilities". He is my son.

I had the best OB appointment ever yesterday. My dr told me that he doesn't know why, but he feels a connection with me. There was a bunch more said, but overall he was very reassuring, caring and lighthearted. He also didn't sugarcoat things for me. I have such admiration & respect for my dr. He has said that he as long as he is in NY, he will be the one to deliver me no matter who is on call for the day. You have no idea how happy that makes me. My dr was instrumental in making sure I did not end up with a c-section with Meredith. He was funny and patient all at the same time. Even though we had some scares with her.

He has reassured me that as long as Sean is breathing & crying, I will be the first person to hold & see him. Then the NICU team will be able to do their evaluations. This was also wearing very heavily on my mind. I didn't want to be the only one who didn't hold him if god forbid something goes wrong. I would be even more devastated than I already am.

I also passed my diabetes test. You know what that means? I can have my cake & eat it too. And if you're not careful, I may eat yours. I don't know what I'd do without the comfort of a good brownie on my dark days.

Last night I had the most terrible dream. I dreamt I had gone into labor & couldn't get to the hospital. For some reason I was also covered in blood. Think prom scene from the movie Carrie. And no one was trying to help me. I woke up with my heart racing and couldn't figure out for the life of me what it means. Even now, hours later, I am still shuddering at the very thought of it.

These days I am finding myself looking at children, mostly toddlers, looking for something. I don't know what it is I'm looking for, but I almost feel like they know. Like they're looking at me longingly. Maybe this is God's way of showing me that all kids, no matter what, just want to be loved & accepted. Like they're asking me why I can't just love my son.

I find myself wondering why I am having such a hard time accepting my son. I have a hard time picturing myself holding him. I have a hard time picturing anything involving him. Is this some sort of defense I have set up for myself? Maybe if I don't get close and he dies, I won't be so heart broken. But that can't be true because at the thought of it, I am instantly in tears. I don't know what it is, but it bothers me. It bothers me that I can't "snuggle" my own baby. I feel like he feels my fears and because I can't get close enough to him, I can't reassure him. I can't reassure him that mommy will make it all better.

Not a day goes by that I don't cry over what is happening to our lives. Not a day goes by that I feel happy and content. I'm open to any & all suggestions for how to feel more connected to Sean. I'm open to any & all suggestions for how to feel happy.

Here's a picture of me at 28 weeks & some change with Sean.