A delicate house of cards

I am ready to feel something other than disappointment, anger & mistrust toward people. The events of today & the last few months have really reawakened those feelings in me. I am tired of feeling like every & any time I find a sliver of happiness, I get sucked back into a black hole. I'm tired of feeling like a house of cards.

I work very hard not to pass those feelings onto Meredith, but I'm sure she can sense my discontent. I once read that people who feel anxiety while pregnant run the risk of passing on all sorts of lovely things onto their children. I hope that Sean isn't aversely affected by my high level of misery. Doesn't he already have enough issues?

I am trying to be hopeful that us moving to somewhere that we can escape at the end of the day, will help us in moving forward. I'm trying to be hopeful that I will be able to give Meredith more fun filled days. I'm trying to be hopeful that when I'm able to relax, I will actually want to get out of bed in the morning. Not just get out of bed for Meredith's sake.

I am running out of adrenaline. I can't keep fighting an uphill battle that never seems to end. Nor do I feel like I should have to.

I have always tried to take a step back from a situation and analyze it. I have always tried to find a silver lining. I am having a very hard time doing that right now. I just cannot see passed the anger I am feeling.

I was just telling a friend that I have bee thrust into a world that I had no intention of becoming a part of. That holds true for both our situation with Sean and my discontent with life & humanity. I'm ready to leave this world and find greener pastures.

Only 2.5 more weeks in this apartment. I hope I'm able to make it. I hope that we're just able to muddle through without major incident. I don't think I can handle anymore.