As I rocked my angel to sleep, I was reminded that lately I have been wondering if we shouldn't change Sean's name again. He started out "life" as an it. He went through a series of names, but nothing felt right. We settled on Aidan James. But..... we never used it. I just couldn't get used to using it.
After we received the diagnosis, he really needed a name. I needed to call him something. Only at that point would it be real to me that there was someone in there. Not a something. So we decided on Sean Matthew. There quite a few names that were thrown into the hat, but this was the name neither one of us had to wait to see if it grew on us.
Sean means God Is Gracious. Matthew means God's Gift. Quite frankly.... I'm not feeling like God is so gracious. However I do feel like my children are gifts. Matthew seems to fit better the more I think about it. The more we rocked, the more I stared at my perfect angel and I started to think about the meaning of her name. Meredith means Consecrated to God. And Elizabeth, as the Rabbi pointed out, is a form of Elijah, the heroic prophet. I didn't mean to pick names that had such profound meanings associated with God. Meredith has so far lived up to the meanings of her names. She is heroic and she is connected to God.
In recent months, I have seriously questioned my faith in God. I have searched high & low for some meaning behind the hardships our family has faced. I haven't been able to find any meaning. Until recently. When Rob & I discuss how we will introduce religion to our children, we feel it's important for us to be a part of the religious community as well. And I guess that in itself is a meaning. For us to find that there is always faith for us to go back to. There is always something there for us to lean on. And isn't that the very definition of faith? To realize that no matter what happens, God & the temple are always there. God & his teachings are always there without judgment? I wish my Rabbi had thought to tell me that when I spoke to him about losing my faith. It would've made my journey to rediscover it a lot easier.
I don't know what we'll end up naming our son, but he is definitely a gift. Even if I can't see it everyday. And for now he'll stay Sean Matthew.
I'm so glad you found your faith again. I'm sure there will be moments that you feel it fleeting again, but it will return. My favorite quote is from the Footprints poem:
ReplyDelete“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you".
I often remind myself that God is carrying me through my darkest times. May he always carry you as well.
he is a gift and God gave him to you b/c you and Rob are the perfect parents and M is the perfect big sister. I love his name and the meaning of it.
ReplyDelete