My thoughts & feelings are what they are

And they are part of what make me who I am. I feel that as long as I can acknowledge my feelings and thoughts, good or bad, I can control them. Unfortunately that did not hold true for me in the passed few days.

Every now & again I am faced with a level of negativity that surpasses anything I have ever encountered before in my life. That is especially true of the woman that currently lives below us. I have officially diagnosed her as psychotic. The level of negativity that spews from her fills every inch of air space within a 10 block radius. I can tell you this because as soon as I get within 10 blocks of this house, I am filled with instant anger & rage.

I have thought long & hard about why what she did (see my post from a couple of days ago) & does fills me with such anger. She raises in me disbelief that any adult could behave in such a manner and expect to be taken seriously. She raises in me astonishment that she has raised her child to be exactly like her. She is a very unhappy person and for that I pity her. I pity anyone that has the unfortunate pleasure of meeting her. It's like the smell of death. It permeates everything it encounters & doesn't leave. You can't get rid of it.

Here's why I allowed what she said to fill me with such rage. It's not what she said. What she said wasn't any different than anything I had already said to myself. What she said caused me to doubt myself and what I knew to be true. She caused me to doubt mankind. She caused me to question the things I held dear. I also wasn't filled with rage only toward her. My rage & anger extended to Rob's supposed friend who felt it his business to tell her what was going on knowing there were issues. And in doing so made our already difficult situation here worse. It also proved to us that for the last 3 months or so we had been lied to.

I fear what I would do if I saw her. I fear that Meredith would see a side of me that I have worked very hard to control & hide. I fear that Meredith would be taken away from me for actions that I should be able to control. I fear that I would lose everything I hold dear in this life because someone else made a poor decision. I allowed them to get to me. I allowed them more control than such negative people should have. I finished the job for her. Only I learned from it. They did not. I found out that I am vulnerable.

I cannot control her or Rob's friend. I cannot control how they conduct themselves in life. I can only control how I react to their conduct. I have chosen to take the high road. That doesn't mean I am not still angry. It means that I can acknowledge my demons and my faults & move on to better things.

I am stronger because I know that I will be happy again. I can be happy again. There isn't one thing or one person that will make me happy. I will make me happy. She will never be happy. She will always live within her own misery. I saw a movie once...... ok more than once that really stuck with me. The name of that movie is "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams. In that movie his whole family dies and he much search for them. As he is learning more about himself and his love for his family, he finds that he can only see what he wants to see. Not what is truly there. I have chosen to see what is truly there.

I see that I can move. I am not paralyzed by negativity. I am not paralyzed with fear of the unknown. I am not paralyzed by what ifs.

I will most certainly have paralyzing days. I will most certainly have paralyzing thoughts & feelings, but I will learn from them & I will move on. I will grow.

As as I grow, I will be teaching my children & those around me valuable lessons. Hopefully they will learn that they too can continue to grow. Maybe they will be reminded that they can grow. Maybe they will be filled with a new hope for mankind and for our children. Hopefully they will learn that negativity is as much a part of life a positivity, but you don't have to hold onto it.

We are once again blessed by the amount of support we have received in response to her comment. We are ever so grateful to our families for making it possible for us to escape for a little while, while we await our move date of June 1. Without our family & friends helping to keep us up, we certainly would've collapsed by now.